My story is very complicated to say the least. You see, I was the OW 14 years ago and now I am the BS. Living with the stigma of an AP for all those years, I was never truly happy in my marriage even though he chose me. I was insecure and had trust issues despite the two beautiful children we made and all the good times we had. My insecurities turned me into a violent and disrespectful wife. Along with his life stresses (failed business, losing a relationship with a daughter from previous marriage, & work issues), my demeaning words emasculated him. According to him, this was the reason he could not love me anymore. While we promised each other that the cheating cycle would end with us, he became a “WS” again and we have come full circle. It has been 2.5 months since DDay and the OW was a co-worker.
What makes my story complicated is that he does not believe it was an “affair,” even though we are still married. His reason being that I had already kicked him out. To him, he saw it that I was done with the marriage and so was he. In my defense, I thought that by making him leave, he would take it as a mental break to deal with his own issues, not a green light. To me, it was definitely an affair and flirtation most likely occurred while he was still living with me. What does everyone think? Is it an affair if you have already checked out of the marriage?
At this point, I do not know any details about his personal life. I do not know if he is still with the OW or not. He has no desire to talk to me about anything except if it’s regarding our kids. When I confront him with questions, he has no answers. In fact, he is not remorseful and only magnifies my wrongdoings. He is a completely different person and I finally understand what it means to have a broken heart.
I truly believe it is karma and have accepted it. However, I am having a hard time trying to forgive myself about the past and now... healing from the current situation. All the signs point to my marriage being truly over, but I still cannot let go and don’t have the courage to file divorce papers. I love this guy and not just because he is the father of my kids. I know that most will say, “what goes around comes around” and I get it. So can I really blame him and the OW? They can simply repeat my thoughts 14 years from now.
I am currently in therapy and trying to take it day by day. I have good days but many bad days. The good days consist of owning my independence and mostly focusing on my kids. The bad days are composed of bad thoughts of him and the OW. I guess my whole point in joining this forum is for support. I played all roles and can see different points of views. I would appreciate all feedback.