ssix6pack

Hello. I post here with a bit of hesitation, I've been seeking some level of understanding, but every forum I've looked at (or posted on), didn't seem to be the right fit. Perhaps this one will be different?

Our story: Married 12 years, 4 children. D-day was Feb 11th. On Feb 9th, after going out to have a few drinks with an old friend while out of town for work, my DH had a one night stand with his waitress who he had just met. His friend had "surprised" him by taking him to a scantily clad restaurant, and lust ruled him. Like many betrayed, I saw a strange message cross his phone. We were at church that Sunday (so, went out on the 9th, slept with her early AM of the 10th, came home after the work event on the 10th, and at church on the 11th.) He had asked me to hold his phone as he was doing some things for the church service, and it went off. An odd (not revealing, thank goodness) photo, and an "off" remark about her hair being tangle free...

I asked him about the message after church. He crumbled. He sobbed. He immediately called our Pastor, and confessed. We sat there, on opposite couches, crying and trying to begin to discuss. What a mess. As the weeks progressed, he continued to take full responsibility. He hasn't blame-shifted or refused to talk. He's cried more times these past few months than I've ever seen him -- so have I. I'm devastated, heartbroken, and disgusted.

He's confessed his deep struggles with lust - more hidden than he ever let on. Seeking women out with his eyes to lust after, mind-fantasy, his twisted "rules" about his lust -- thinking he'd never go too far. 

But, here we are. We've worked hard to establish boundaries, have open communication, seek counseling, read books together, so on. Anything I've requested has been implemented - most things he's implemented without being asked (such as, installing friend finder on phones, canceling some work meetings that were out of town, etc.) 

Most days, I feel we're doing well. He has listened to me, made noticeable changes, is an open book, and more. He's cut out relationships that led him into further temptation (such as friends who encouraged lustful behavior)

Yet, Im heartbroken. I have waves of sadness and anxiousness that creep up on me each day. I'm generally able to tell him, or my support system (a wonderful group of people, but none of which have gone through this)...and it eases. But, this reality is sad. Unexpected. And threatens to derail me each day if I'm not on top of it. I've grieved deeply, cried freely, and expressed myself openly. 

I struggle with comparison. She was 9 years younger than me, and kid-free. Just crushing to my self esteem. I've never "let myself go", but how can I compete with that image? I've begged God to make the details of his ONS fuzzy. I've always felt incredibly beautiful to my DH, but in many ways I feel used, disgusting, and worthless now. I fear him noticing my small stretch marks on my hips, the wrinkles beginning to appear around my eyes, or whatever imperfection I now see. 

Anyway. Thats my story. I'm working hard, he's working hard, but it's hard. We tend to say we've had "good-hard" and "hard-hard" days in recovery - none of them have been bad (no yelling, exploding, etc.) I'm just hoping we can heal. Be stronger. Be thankful for one another. Be committed and healed. 

 

Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Keepabuzz
I hope this forum is a good fit for you. It certainly has been for me. Your length of marriage and number of kids mirrors my story.  

I know exactly the depth of the sadness you describe. I know it seems like you have already lived with this for an eternity, but in reality, you are still pretty early in the process. From everything I’ve read the average time to heal is somewhere in the 2-5 years range. I’m coming up on 3 years soon, and I wouldn’t say I’m healed. I would say that I have done a ton of healing though. 

Much like how you describe your husband, my has done just about everything right after d-day. I think that is crucial to shortening the healing process. I honestly did start to feel any better until after the one year mark. Looking back now, that year is just a blur of depression, rage, sadness, anger, anxiety, etc. Then I very slowly, painfully slowly started to feel better. It a long painful path, but it is doable. 

My wife and I had plenty of bad days. I did lots and lots of yelling, screaming, etc. As bad as I know you feel, it sounds to me like your ahead of the curve so far. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ssix6pack
Keepabuzz wrote:
I hope this forum is a good fit for you. It certainly has been for me. Your length of marriage and number of kids mirrors my story.  

I know exactly the depth of the sadness you describe. I know it seems like you have already lived with this for an eternity, but in reality, you are still pretty early in the process. From everything I’ve read the average time to heal is somewhere in the 2-5 years range. I’m coming up on 3 years soon, and I wouldn’t say I’m healed. I would say that I have done a ton of healing though. 

Much like how you describe your husband, my has done just about everything right after d-day. I think that is crucial to shortening the healing process. I honestly did start to feel any better until after the one year mark. Looking back now, that year is just a blur of depression, rage, sadness, anger, anxiety, etc. Then I very slowly, painfully slowly started to feel better. It a long painful path, but it is doable. 

My wife and I had plenty of bad days. I did lots and lots of yelling, screaming, etc. As bad as I know you feel, it sounds to me like your ahead of the curve so far. 


Thank you. I expect a long road. It does feel like we’ve been here forever, and then sometimes like just yesterday. I frequently have to remind myself that this is real. It actually happened. I get that pit in the stomache feeling for a while, and then it slowly fades a bit again. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Keepabuzz
I went from months on end of nothing but misery, to slowly little blips of laughing at funny things again sometimes. Slowly those times got more and more often. My deep sadness ever so slowly became less and less. It was helpful for me to look back, for weeks or months to compare how I was feeling. Because Day to Day I could see no difference. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ssix6pack
I’m so sorry. Do you feel you and your spouse are in a good place now? 

I do feel like my husband and I are doing “better” than it seems we should be. I’m not sure what to give credit to for that. The first full month after D day a small group from my church rallied around me and brought meals every single day. It gave me time to just grieve and cry and pray. Perhaps that helped...and my husband’s immediate confession. I’ve read many stories to know that we have it so much “better” than some others. 😔
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Keepabuzz
ssix6pack wrote:
I’m so sorry. Do you feel you and your spouse are in a good place now? 

I do feel like my husband and I are doing “better” than it seems we should be. I’m not sure what to give credit to for that. The first full month after D day a small group from my church rallied around me and brought meals every single day. It gave me time to just grieve and cry and pray. Perhaps that helped...and my husband’s immediate confession. I’ve read many stories to know that we have it so much “better” than some others. 😔


We are doing well. I wouldn’t say I’m completely healed, I don’t think I will ever be able to say that. We haven’t talked about her affair for a long time, not because I can’t or she won’t let me, etc. Its just that I have gleaned all I can from discussing it. She knows it still bothers me. She knows I still have bad times, thankfully very few bad “days” anymore. She knows I still get triggered, still get down, still don’t trust her, still grieve at times. But I would say we are in a pretty good place. 

I think it is extremely difficult to compare your progress to others. There are so many factors that can make huge changes in progress. Many of them depend on you, many depend on your husband.

For example, like you husband, my wife confessed. My wife’s affair was 6 months, she ended it, and confessed to me a month later.  Like your husband, my wife was certain that she wanted to do all she could to save our marriage before she ever confessed. I did not feel the same. I think it can definitely shorten healing if the WS acts as your husband, and my wife acted after discovery. I also think confession, is easier than finding out on your own. 

You may be a very forgiving person in general, I am not.  I’m not an a$$hole, but if someone does me wrong, I just remove them from my life. So even the thought of forgiving my wife, seemed nothing short of impossible.  I wanted nothing more than to leave, I felt trapped. I knew the best thing I could do for my kids was stay. That also seemed impossible, but more possible than forgiving her. So I decided to give it 6 months, for my kids. Once that day came, I decided to give it another 6 months, for my kids. At the one year mark, I started to see a very, very small light at the end of the tunnel.  So I gave it another 6 months.  Me staying for my kids, was giving her the chance (she didn’t deserve) to prove to me that she was fixing herself, and that she was safe for me.  

I have felt for the last year that I have healed as much as I can, but when looking back, I’m much better than I was a year ago.  Although many things will never be the same. I will never trust anyone fully again, most of all her. Just one of the many scars I live with.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ssix6pack
Keepabuzz wrote:


We are doing well. I wouldn’t say I’m completely healed, I don’t think I will ever be able to say that. We haven’t talked about her affair for a long time, not because I can’t or she won’t let me, etc. Its just that I have gleaned all I can from discussing it. She knows it still bothers me. She knows I still have bad times, thankfully very few bad “days” anymore. She knows I still get triggered, still get down, still don’t trust her, still grieve at times. But I would say we are in a pretty good place. 

I think it is extremely difficult to compare your progress to others. There are so many factors that can make huge changes in progress. Many of them depend on you, many depend on your husband.

For example, like you husband, my wife confessed. My wife’s affair was 6 months, she ended it, and confessed to me a month later.  Like your husband, my wife was certain that she wanted to do all she could to save our marriage before she ever confessed. I did not feel the same. I think it can definitely shorten healing if the WS acts as your husband, and my wife acted after discovery. I also think confession, is easier than finding out on your own. 

You may be a very forgiving person in general, I am not.  I’m not an a$$hole, but if someone does me wrong, I just remove them from my life. So even the thought of forgiving my wife, seemed nothing short of impossible.  I wanted nothing more than to leave, I felt trapped. I knew the best thing I could do for my kids was stay. That also seemed impossible, but more possible than forgiving her. So I decided to give it 6 months, for my kids. Once that day came, I decided to give it another 6 months, for my kids. At the one year mark, I started to see a very, very small light at the end of the tunnel.  So I gave it another 6 months.  Me staying for my kids, was giving her the chance (she didn’t deserve) to prove to me that she was fixing herself, and that she was safe for me.  

I have felt for the last year that I have healed as much as I can, but when looking back, I’m much better than I was a year ago.  Although many things will never be the same. I will never trust anyone fully again, most of all her. Just one of the many scars I live with.  


thank you for sharing your story with me. It is good to feel normal in my thoughts and emotions. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Trinity
Being REAL emotionally.... here is a ponderance. 
I used to really care about what my husband thought.  I asked his opinions and honestly took value in his answers.  I wanted to make him his favorite dinner, or go to places and do things that I knew he would appreciate.  I was available for him sexually.  NOW.... since his infidelity..  I have resolved that I can not make that same effort or be concerned.  
The VALUE has been sucked out of our relationship and I REALLY think that it is because there is NO WAY that I can allow him to hurt and devastate me like that ever again.
I still LOVE him but he will NEVER EVER have that same unconditional LOVE that I had for him previous to him deciding to stick himself into another woman. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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anthropoidape
Keepabuzz wrote:
We are doing well. I wouldn’t say I’m completely healed, I don’t think I will ever be able to say that. We haven’t talked about her affair for a long time, not because I can’t or she won’t let me, etc. Its just that I have gleaned all I can from discussing it. She knows it still bothers me. She knows I still have bad times, thankfully very few bad “days” anymore. She knows I still get triggered, still get down, still don’t trust her, still grieve at times. But I would say we are in a pretty good place.


I am starting to think that the whole trajectory of recovery is a bit different to what I'd have imagined.

For some time I was trying to reach a point where I could say, "Okay, these issues are resolved, I can recommit to this relationship without reservations again." But of course it isn't really anything like that. Like you I stayed in the immediate post d-day period because of the children. It was that simple. Otherwise I'd have left in a heartbeat. In fact, I think I still probably would. 

However, that's not quite the same as "we are only together for the kids." In fact, our children's needs have made me decide that I will stay. Aside from a fresh betrayal, I think I'd stay even if things were pretty lacking in our present life together. I think our children need us to stay together. 

So once that decision is more or less locked in, it becomes a case of building with the tools and materials you happen to have. Perfect? No. What you'd have chosen? No. But also, potentially worthwhile.

Like a lot of things in life, I guess. If I owned a plot of land that wasn't optimal for gardening, I would still plant a garden and improve it all I could. I wouldn't just wait for it to magically become a better plot of land, or just sit their wishing I owned a different plot of land. I would just get to work, and I'd have a better garden in a few years than the guy who just sat there wishing he had the perfect plot.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Keepabuzz


I am starting to think that the whole trajectory of recovery is a bit different to what I'd have imagined.

For some time I was trying to reach a point where I could say, "Okay, these issues are resolved, I can recommit to this relationship without reservations again." But of course it isn't really anything like that. Like you I stayed in the immediate post d-day period because of the children. It was that simple. Otherwise I'd have left in a heartbeat. In fact, I think I still probably would. 

However, that's not quite the same as "we are only together for the kids." In fact, our children's needs have made me decide that I will stay. Aside from a fresh betrayal, I think I'd stay even if things were pretty lacking in our present life together. I think our children need us to stay together. 

So once that decision is more or less locked in, it becomes a case of building with the tools and materials you happen to have. Perfect? No. What you'd have chosen? No. But also, potentially worthwhile.

Like a lot of things in life, I guess. If I owned a plot of land that wasn't optimal for gardening, I would still plant a garden and improve it all I could. I wouldn't just wait for it to magically become a better plot of land, or just sit their wishing I owned a different plot of land. I would just get to work, and I'd have a better garden in a few years than the guy who just sat there wishing he had the perfect plot.


As usual, very well put. I feel the same. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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