Heartbroken2015

My WS and I have different visions of what we think our new marriage will look like:

*I believe it will be a marriage with distrust, resentment, anger and jealousy.  I think there will always be triggers and that the memories of the affair will never go away.

*He believes that I will eventually forget all about the affair, that we will be happier and closer then ever.

Our story: We were together 14yrs (married 6 of those).  We have a 5yr old son.  He asked for a separation in Apr 2015, I left end of June as he was becoming colder and more disconnected.   We went to MC over the next few months.  He said he asked for a separation as he felt I did not love him anymore.  Our son is very high energy, sleeps 6hrs max, I maintained ALL household and childcare responsibilities, I work full time and go to Univ part time.  He worked 10hr days and rest of time was in his garage or on his ATV.  I told him I was just tired, had always asked for his help and for him to spend time with us.   So during MC he said it was my job and to suck it up.  I was willing to save our marriage and returned home the weekends to do so.  We had great weekends and he said how happy he was and how much he loved me.  I was ready to move home on Oct 1st, however, I found out Sept 27th he had been seeing someone the whole time.  She was the reason he asked for the separation as she showed him attention I wasn't giving him.  He said he broke it off and wanted to work it out with me.

I found his Facebook messages to her, he basically made me out to being a cold hearted b** that only cared about our son, that I never gave him attention, how we didn't communicate and that maybe he should stay with me for our son and that maybe I was the only one who could live with his imperfections.  

He says these are all lies and since the separation having our son 50/50 he has realized how much I did for him and how much work it was to raise him on my own.  They still work together but he says he doesn't talk to her other then work related issues.  It was an emotional & physical affair so I don't believe it's over in her mind or if he can look at her as only a co-worker?

Can this work?  Will I become jealous and bitter?  I just can't get over the way he talked about me and the things he said to her.   He helps now with our son and has had to do his own housework so he says he's a changed man? I said doing Laundry doesn't reassure me that he won't cheat again?  As he continues to use the "excuse" if you call it that, that he didn't feel my love.  I fear he never will without constant reassurance etc.  

He asks me what can he do to help me heal?  I don't know?  what can he do to make me feel secure and the only one he wants?  What did your WS do to reassure you?  

 

 

Quote 0 0
surviving
Heartbroken2015 - I laughed and got angry reading your post.  If your son and the housework is your job, then you shouldn't have to work outside of the home.  If you are working outside of the home, then hubby needs to do part of the housework and part of the care of your son.  End of rant.  I see that hubby has taken on some of the responsibilities - and that is a good sign.  However, you will NEVER forget the affair.  The pain will lessen, but forgetting it isn't possible.  Dwelling on it wouldn't be a good idea after you reconcile though.  But forgetting isn't possible.  If there are huge changes in his attitude towards you, that is also a good sign.  After my WS confessed, there were some changes.  The anger is mostly gone.  The demeaning tone, treating me like a slave, answering me like I am stupid, all that has gone away most of the time.  I know where he is at all times (that has eased some of my worries).  He isn't working with his AP anymore - that has also helped.  We are living in a new state, with a new job, and are making new friends.  He has strict boundaries that we both set up and he is willing to keep them.  I have full access to his emails, texts, and phone.  I have always kept the budget and paid the bills, so I would know if there was a charge card used for something amiss.  He has said that he doesn't know if I will ever trust him fully and that he doesn't deserve to be trusted.  He would love for me to trust him, but he doesn't expect it.  When an affair is discovered, there has to be no contact (no emails, phone calls, coffee, working together, etc.).  I am so glad that we moved to another state, there is absolutely no contact with my WS AP.  That has to be a guarantee.
Quote 1 0
Lostmyspark
For me the first non-negotiable step was absolutely no contact with the person he cheated with. I didn't force him to do that. It had to be his choice. I just stated plainly that if he was serious about building a new marriage then it starts with no contact of any kind. That included some big sacrifices, such as a job change. At the point of DDAY I was more than done and it was going to take moving mountains to change my mind. We are about a year and half into building this new relationship. I can tell you it won't be all hearts and roses if that is what you choose. It's going to be extremely difficult. For us it's been one step forward, two steps back when it comes to changing years of patterns in our marriage. The important thing is that we are both still working at it. I can completely relate to the pain that comes from the things he said to her. Speaking from my own experience, I have had to work hard to try to control my thoughts about that sort of thing and focus on what my husband is showing me now. What kind of person he is now. How he treats me now. Don't get me wrong, it still is excruciating pain in my heart to know the things he said and did with her. Sometimes I can't control those thoughts and I must talk about them with my husband. Sometimes it's overwhelming and I just need a good cry and reassurance. If my husband, at this point, couldn't handle being there for me in those moments then I couldn't continue the work of rebuilding.
Quote 1 0
Heartbroken2015

He's willing to give me whatever ever I need to feel secure and to ease my worries, I just don't know what those are.  what boundaries did you set?  He had secret emails set up and a Facebook account so I know what he is capable of I tell him.  He said he's willing to give me his phone or any passwords.  He said he's willing to participate in our family and be an equal partner.  He said he sees that his way of thinking before was selfish and didn't include his family.  I can see he is trying.  I just don't want an "angry marriage" where I am always checking his phone or asking where he is or doubting his honesty.   I feel it will change me.  I am usually a very trusting person...maybe this is something I do need to change.  He feels I'll trust him again but I don't think I will ever fully trust him again.

What steps did he take to help you heal?  Did he give you his passwords, always call when leaving work etc? What do you find helps you the most?

Quote 0 0
Dirazz
It sounds like those are all the right steps. The biggest one for me was TIME. Was he serious enough to put the work in how ever long it takes to help me heal to help our marriage heal and grow? It's been 7 months and he hasn't wavered one bit.
Quote 0 0
Lostmyspark
Heartbroken2015 wrote:

He's willing to give me whatever ever I need to feel secure and to ease my worries, I just don't know what those are.  what boundaries did you set?  He had secret emails set up and a Facebook account so I know what he is capable of I tell him.  He said he's willing to give me his phone or any passwords.  He said he's willing to participate in our family and be an equal partner.  He said he sees that his way of thinking before was selfish and didn't include his family.  I can see he is trying.  I just don't want an "angry marriage" where I am always checking his phone or asking where he is or doubting his honesty.   I feel it will change me.  I am usually a very trusting person...maybe this is something I do need to change.  He feels I'll trust him again but I don't think I will ever fully trust him again.

What steps did he take to help you heal?  Did he give you his passwords, always call when leaving work etc? What do you find helps you the most?



I have always been a very trusting person too. I never wanted to be the kind of wife that checks up all the time or doesn't let him go out with the guys or whatever. I still don't regret being that kind of wife. You should be able to trust your husband. I still don't want to be that wife. It isn't me. A close friend of mine that has been through infidelity and has a great marriage now, gave me great advice. She told me not to waste my emotional energy on the constant checking up...cell phone, email etc. She said I will be able to tell if he goes back to his old ways because I know how he acts when he's up to no good . I Do check up to a certain extent still. My husband welcomes it. BUT, I also know that no matter how much checking up goes on a person who wants to hide things absolutely can. There is always a way around it.

Before I found out about the betrayal everything was personal to my husband. His passwords, wallet, vehicle...everything. Now none of it is personal. He's an open book. We spend a lot of time together, whereas before he was like a big teenager just trying to always be out of the house, mean and nasty comments, horrible attitude toward me and not wanting to be a part of our family. I basically raised our child alone. I did all of the housework, yard work, washing cars..you name it. The change now is that he is actually here and wanting to be here and regretting that he was such an ass and missed out on so much with our child..

So, I guess for me, the bottom line is:

No contact
He's an open book about his whereabouts and online activity
His attitude is dramatically different and has been consistent
He is able to comfort me and accept that my heart is still shattered...and it's going to be a long road
I don't think I can ever forget the things he said to her but we are consciously working to heal and change

A word of caution....don't feel bad about not trusting. It probably feels uncomfortable because it's not your normal. In this situation it is completely normal to feel that way. Make sure he understands this is going to be a long process for you both
Quote 0 0
Heartbroken2015
I can see him trying but I'm wondering if it is fake or real...I feel it's fake sometimes.   We will be talking and one minute he says he now understands what I did for him and our family.  That he wants to contribute more and be more involved with his family.   The next minute he says why don't you trust me?  Ahhhh duh!  You lied for 5months to my face?  I feel it is the TIME...he thinks I should have all the questions answered by now, that I should start trusting him again and that I should start forgetting about the affair soon.   I don't feel he truly understands the pain he put me through even though he says he knows he caused me pain.  This is why I'm hesitant...I feel 6months down the road he is tired of faking and turn to his old ways.
Quote 0 0
Lostmyspark
Heartbroken2015 wrote:
I can see him trying but I'm wondering if it is fake or real...I feel it's fake sometimes.   We will be talking and one minute he says he now understands what I did for him and our family.  That he wants to contribute more and be more involved with his family.   The next minute he says why don't you trust me?  Ahhhh duh!  You lied for 5months to my face?  I feel it is the TIME...he thinks I should have all the questions answered by now, that I should start trusting him again and that I should start forgetting about the affair soon.   I don't feel he truly understands the pain he put me through even though he says he knows he caused me pain.  This is why I'm hesitant...I feel 6months down the road he is tired of faking and turn to his old ways.


I only know what my reaction would be if my husband had that attitude about the situation. I'm absolutely not saying this is how you should feel because we are all different. I couldn't handle not having the emotional support to heal for as long as that may take me. I still have questions from time to time...actually a lot of the time....I write them down and mull over whether it's anything that I really want to know and will it move us forward and closer or backward. Sometimes I need to talk about it. It's not my husband's favorite thing, and I don't attack him in any way, but he is patient. If I didn't feel that he on some level "gets" what he has done to me and how it has affected me to my core, I couldn't trust him with my heart again.
Quote 0 0
TimT
Heartbroken2015 wrote:
My WS and I have different visions of what we think our new marriage will look like:
*I believe it will be a marriage with distrust, resentment, anger and jealousy.  I think there will always be triggers and that the memories of the affair will never go away.
*He believes that I will eventually forget all about the affair, that we will be happier and closer then ever...

I don't think either opinion is one that I would hold up as the reasonable expectation for a couple when both partners are committed to healing and change. When true remorse and forgiveness have done their work, resentment and anger will dissipate. Yes, there will always be memories and triggers, but they won't bind you to distrust and jealousy. You will never forget about the affair; it's part of your story now. What matters now is what you allow your story to become. The "better and closer" ending is not a fairy tale. I was with a couple last night who, 18 months after the discovery of a second affair, told their story to others and shared joyfully about how these past 6 months brought the deepest connection they have ever had. 

Nobody can get there alone, but each person has to be willing to focus on their part of the healing process.
Quote 0 0
woundedsoul
I'm a BS. A book that was recommended to my husband to read was "How to help your spouse heal from your affair." I have recently read it myself and it is excellent and to the point. Now I pray my WS will take some initiative to read it.
Quote 1 0
Heartbroken2015
woundedsoul wrote:
"How to help your spouse heal from your affair." .



Do you know the author?  I doubt he will even read it.  We got books from our EAP program back in July and he said he looked at one of them the other day after I said I didn't feel he was doing anything to help me heal.   Looking at it vs reading it & taking it in...not the same [frown]  But maybe this one will be more real to him??
Quote 0 0
UrbanExplorer
I felt that After the Affair (Janis Abrahms Spring) was a worthwhile read. It deals with WS and BS.
Quote 1 0
Anna26
Heartbroken2015 wrote:



Do you know the author?  I doubt he will even read it.  We got books from our EAP program back in July and he said he looked at one of them the other day after I said I didn't feel he was doing anything to help me heal.   Looking at it vs reading it & taking it in...not the same [frown]  But maybe this one will be more real to him??



I think the author may be Linda McDonald...[smile]
Quote 1 0