New job / old job Confused About What To Do Next
Beginning Member 3 posts Feelinghopefulsometimes Beginning Member 3 posts
Feelinghopefulsometimes
I was hoping to get some advice from this of you who’s WS worked with the AP. My WS is still at the job currently, they are able to work somewhat separately. He’s been offered a new job but it comes with less money and we are already tight. For those of you who have been in this does them leaving the job help? Please advise! 
Thank you. 
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Keepabuzz GUIDE 2,601 posts
Keepabuzz
Feelinghopefulsometimes wrote:
I was hoping to get some advice from this of you who’s WS worked with the AP. My WS is still at the job currently, they are able to work somewhat separately. He’s been offered a new job but it comes with less money and we are already tight. For those of you who have been in this does them leaving the job help? Please advise! 
Thank you. 


My wife had her affair with a coworker. He quitting her job was non-negotiable. She called and quit the day after d-day. For me it was part of no contact. She had a choice, quit the job and I was very likely to divorce her, or keep the job and guarantee it.  My situation was about different than yours though. I’m the breadwinner. Her job was just something for her to do. 

In my opinion, if there is anyway for him to leave that job where she is, it will be much, much easier on you.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthro HOST 201 posts
anthro
I think it's basically essential for him to quit. Of course if it's truly financially impossible, then it's impossible. But if it just means tighter belts then it's a lot cheaper to change jobs than to divorce. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Fionarob HOST 526 posts
Fionarob
Definitely leave the job, especially if there is another job waiting.  I think this is a no-brainer personally.
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surviving First Member 513 posts
surviving
My WH left his job before the discovery of his many affairs.  His OW was his secretary.  If I had known at the time, I would have insisted that he leave his job.  As it turned out, he quit his job on his own and we moved to another state.  If it were me, I would insist on your WS taking another job - it would be me or the present job - no doubt about it.
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hurting Silver Member 459 posts
hurting
The AP had nothing to do with my WS’s work, but YES it would’ve been non negotiable for me that he quit if there was to be even the slightest glimmer of a chance that we could try to work things out if she had been from work. Continuing to work together would be a huge trigger and source of uncertainty, further mistrust and angst. There is NO WAY I would’ve put up with it. It would’ve been quit immediately or I QUIT this marriage immediately.
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Keepabuzz GUIDE 2,601 posts
Keepabuzz
When I told my wife to quit her job on d-day, she pushed back by saying “if you leave me, I need to have a job. How am I gonna live?” I said “well that’s a risk you are going to have to take or not take. You know the outcome for certain if you don’t take it!”  Like I would have actually thrown her out on the street and let her starve...🙄. I would have certainly thrown her out, but I would not have let her starve. That would have hurt me in court, and I wasn’t about to ruin my standing!  Lol
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Skelling Bronze Member 93 posts
Skelling
My husband left his job on dday one. After dday 2, anything related to that old job or anyone was an instant trigger. I asked him to delete any connection linkedin, contact whatever it had to go. Especially to one person who was aware but was more concerend that my husband should become vegitarian because all the poor animals....never mind how he treated his wife...
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Keepabuzz GUIDE 2,601 posts
Keepabuzz
That reminds me, I also had my wife sever all relationships from that job. She a few close girlfriends there as well, they were also much younger, same age as her AP (23), she was 37 at the time.  They were a bunch a kids right out of college. She didn’t want to cut off her friends. I didn’t care. She brought it up in our second session of MC.  The therapist looked at me and said, “you can’t really be picking her friends.”  I said “first off, I can do what ever I want. Secondly, I’m not picking her friends.  I am choosing who will and won’t be in MY life. She can keep her friends, but she won’t have me!  You should also know that she had that job for a total of 7 months. She was banging this piece of $hit within a month. So she has known all of them for a total of 7 months and all from that place. The friends she is referring to are also fresh out of college, have no kids, etc. My so called wife is 37 with 4 kids. She wants to live the young a free life she never had, and she has now fully at my expense, and now that I am fully aware, I’m not having any of it.  So it’s not like I’m telling her to cut off lifeline friendships here.”  The therapist, just went “oh, (uncomfortable pause) you should get some new friends”. 😂😂😂😂. It was not funny at all at the time, but it is funny now. 

Full disclosure. The reason she didn’t get the young and free years is that she married right out of high school to her first husband. I did get those young and free years. None of that was my decision, or my fault, but guess who pays the price?  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive GUIDE 405 posts
ThrivenotSurvive
My husband had been on a long term contract with one of his top clients.  The AP had been at the company for about a year and they'd worked together on and off but she hardly registered.  it wasn't until he ended up on the longest running contract of his life (almost two years straight) and them working side by side while I was several states away that things changed.

Anyhoo - he did have to interact with her for about 4 months after DD to put finishing touches on the project they'd been working on (remotely - via phone/text) .  In order to make that easier, he saved and showed me all text communications and I was able to listen to all phone calls.  She struggled every time they had to have contact and would try to talk to him about them being "friends".

I really liked and respected the people who ran the company (who were CLUELESS about what had happened) and didn't particularity want them to suffer for his crappy mistake or know about it since it would have radically change how he was perceived (it's a very Catholic company)... so both he and I were struggling with how to tell them that he wouldn't be accepting any more contracts. 

Luckily, she was brokenhearted that he wasn't interested in being "friends" and found working with him too hard - so she left and moved across the country.  Now he still works with them and we don't have to think about her at all. 

Interestingly, about a year ago (two years post DD) we were at dinner with another manager at the company and his wife.  While talking about a job coming up and the temporary contract staff that would need to be hired, the manager mentioned in passing that she had reached out to him and asked if they would be interested in having her come back to work on the job.  Given that she KNOWS that my husband is their go-to person for all of these types of jobs and would have been the first person on the team - it was clear she was trying to see him.  (She was also stalking my Instagram at the time so that was another clue.)  Fortunately, without missing a beat, my husband said he didn't really think they'd need her and the other manager agreed and we haven't dealt with that issue again.  But I mention it to show that if the AP doesn't find someone else - or has lingering hope - they MAY use any opportunity to try and find an in. 

While it is 100% on our WS's to resist - I wouldn't want to work with an ex who was still harboring feelings... so why should they?

During the time they did work together it was a constant source of friction/ a constant reminder.  And she was so clearly willing to use every opportunity where he HAD to interact with her to try and keep any connection going, it kept me pissed off. 

I would take ANY opportunity I had that didn't cause me to starve to reduce my anxiety - and give reconciliation the least amount of hurdles to overcome.  It's already hard as hell.  Don't set you or him up for failure when you are fragile and healing.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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mermaid Member 21 posts
mermaid
Right after Dday, my WS immediately tried to get out of his job. His affair was with the ONLY coworker that he was friends with... she provided a LOT of support at work and outside of work. Unfortunately, he had already signed a contract for the year. It was unbelievably painful for him to work through the layers of admin and HR only to be told that there was no way out. If I remember right, they threatened legal action if he voluntarily left and broke his contract. 

It was even harder for me because I felt like he hadn’t exhausted all options. I wanted to lawyer up and get him the hell out of there. But we didn’t. I settled. And suffered another long year of them working together. Then she got promoted and we uprooted our lives and moved hundreds of miles away. 

Writing this also reminds me that during that last year, we told friends and family that it was his last year in the profession. (He’d gone to school for many years for it, loved it, spent several years in it...) And so, at the end of that year, we hosted a f-ing CELEBRATION for him. “Congrats on a successful career! You did great! Best wishes on your next career!” No one REALLY knew the truth of why he quit.

And at the time, I was so angry that we were celebrating HIS accomplishment. Where was my party for making it through such an emotionally draining, stressful, deeply painful year? I didn’t get a party. And honestly, I’m still bitter about it today.

And I will say that after he quit, and after we moved and got new jobs—THAT is finally when our real healing process started. So, sometimes it is actually impossible for the WS to quit their job. Or maybe losing the job would just make very basic things become extremely difficult. It’s a decision you two need to make together. But I do think it is one of the most helpful things you can do for your healing, if you are looking to at least give your relationship a chance. 
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Keepabuzz GUIDE 2,601 posts
Keepabuzz
mermaid wrote:
Right after Dday, my WS immediately tried to get out of his job. His affair was with the ONLY coworker that he was friends with... she provided a LOT of support at work and outside of work. Unfortunately, he had already signed a contract for the year. It was unbelievably painful for him to work through the layers of admin and HR only to be told that there was no way out. If I remember right, they threatened legal action if he voluntarily left and broke his contract. 

It was even harder for me because I felt like he hadn’t exhausted all options. I wanted to lawyer up and get him the hell out of there. But we didn’t. I settled. And suffered another long year of them working together. Then she got promoted and we uprooted our lives and moved hundreds of miles away. 

Writing this also reminds me that during that last year, we told friends and family that it was his last year in the profession. (He’d gone to school for many years for it, loved it, spent several years in it...) And so, at the end of that year, we hosted a f-ing CELEBRATION for him. “Congrats on a successful career! You did great! Best wishes on your next career!” No one REALLY knew the truth of why he quit.

And at the time, I was so angry that we were celebrating HIS accomplishment. Where was my party for making it through such an emotionally draining, stressful, deeply painful year? I didn’t get a party. And honestly, I’m still bitter about it today.

And I will say that after he quit, and after we moved and got new jobs—THAT is finally when our real healing process started. So, sometimes it is actually impossible for the WS to quit their job. Or maybe losing the job would just make very basic things become extremely difficult. It’s a decision you two need to make together. But I do think it is one of the most helpful things you can do for your healing, if you are looking to at least give your relationship a chance. 


In my opinion the WS doesn’t get a say in keeping their job or not if their affair was with a coworker. If the BS wants them to leave their job, then their only choice is between their BS or their job.  If, for financial reasons the WS can’t quit their job, then the BS needs to approve them staying, and the WS needs to have a plan to leave ASAP.  The thought of my wife ever even speaking to her former AP, much less working with him everyday was so revolting to me, I would have been willing to sell our ho means love in an apartment short term if had to. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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tobefree Member 17 posts
tobefree
My WS is still working with her on the same team (they are the only 2 on the same team) but he has told me he doesn't talk to her at all unless he needs to for projects. And when he does, he just says the minimum. She will be leaving on Aug 22nd to Chicago to be with her fiancee but will continue to work on his team remotely until end of the year. From what he tells me, they don't talk anymore. 

I didn't ask him to quit he's job because he earns more than me and our finances are tight, plus he just transferred to this new team in Feb of this year so asking for another transfer would be odd. Furthermore, I think a part of me is also unsure if I'd care if he's there or not, as i'm one foot out the door and one foot still in. I guess I just haven't decided what to do with our relationship so I didn't think I should dictate what he does? Maybe I'm doing this wrong. 

But I do feel if you want to work on the relationship then it's best to go no contact, as that's the best way to focus on your healing with each other. Having the job and AP around will be a constant reminder and it won't help anyone. 
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