Courage
My WH wrote a truth letter about 2 years after dday outlining everything about his affair.  After 4 years I accidentally found new info about the affair. I found out he went to a hotel with her within the first month or so of the affair. ( affair was over 2 years) His truth letter told me that they had sex at a hotel for the first time after over a year in. He stressed that the affair was mostly talking and confiding in each other. Sex was only a minimal part of their relationship. Then I find out he’s going to a hotel with her within a month of his affair. He promised his truth letter revealed everything I wanted to know.

after all this time.. do I just dismiss it and not even bring it up? Do I just chalk it up to ‘the affair was full of lies?’ Trust is everything to me. I clung to every word in his ‘truth letter’ and tried to move forward after that. 
Finding new info rocks that foundation of trust for me. Should it? I haven’t seen anything that arouses suspicion in a very long time. 
Not sure what to do with this new information. It makes me despise him and question everything that has ever come out of his mouth. 
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anthropoidape
I don't know where this should lead you in terms of your relationship, of course. But I definitely don't think you can dismiss it. I think it is a serious wound. Actually, it is a serious wound ripped open all over again. 

I would want to hear his explanation. If he is evasive and dishonest again today that will be very disappointing and concerning. If he explains he was ashamed and cowardly, that is still lousy but better than defensiveness or dismissiveness.

I can also see how it might just be a deal-breaker no matter what he says. The deal was - you give me the truth, I'll try to reconcile. So he's got some work to do. 

It is very likely that four years on the affair is a fairly dim memory for him. That seems to be what happens.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Sorry
I don't know where this should lead you in terms of your relationship, of course. But I definitely don't think you can dismiss it. I think it is a serious wound. Actually, it is a serious wound ripped open all over again. 

I would want to hear his explanation. If he is evasive and dishonest again today that will be very disappointing and concerning. If he explains he was ashamed and cowardly, that is still lousy but better than defensiveness or dismissiveness.

I can also see how it might just be a deal-breaker no matter what he says. The deal was - you give me the truth, I'll try to reconcile. So he's got some work to do. 

It is very likely that four years on the affair is a fairly dim memory for him. That seems to be what happens.


As a WS I can guarantee you that that fact was not one that "skipped his mind" regardless of how long ago the affair was.

He may have been ashamed that He was so quick to hop into bed and that is why He decided to "ease" your pain, but it was naive and stupid.

The hurt is already there with an affair and He missed a vital chance to tell you the truth. If the truth letter was written two years after disclosure or even after the affair there is no chance He forgot this incident. First and lasts are remembered. 

I am sorry to tell you this. Perhaps there is still an opportunity for healing but your husband has a dumbass!
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anthropoidape
Yes. By "a dim memory" I didn't mean he forgot what happened, I meant that it's not likely that he is still pining for his AP or anything. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Hesaliar
Wow! I'm in the exact same boat. A little shorter time line but a recent new discovery has sent me over the edge. I'm so sorry you are dealing with his lies yet again. They just don't get how damaging the lies are.
I've always told my kids that finding out they lied to me makes whatever they actually did do so much worse. Little did I know the lecture should've been given to dad. One big difference...I have unconditional love for my kids. WH doesn't get that anymore. 
Make him explain. No way I'd sit on such a trickle truth.
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AnywhereButHere
With my WW, I've come to believe the only real information that she has provided (trickle-truthed) and that I can believe with certainty is only what makes her look bad.

When she says that she was interested in taking her emotional affair to a deeper level - truth. When she says that she never tried to hide her relationship with her AP from me - BS.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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UnsureofHer
21 months in still struggling with the missing pieces. I know there were 4. I know roughly when. I know some of the how. But there is a lot I don't know.

Some she says she doesn't remember 1 was over 39 years ago (1 night stand maybe more??). 1 20 ish years ago ( doesn't really know when it started or when it Ended was sexual twice she admits to, stolen kisses an other too), 1 about 7 year's ago ( lasted online about 3 years - he  ended it- didn't want to be the one to break us up), last one (???) About a 2 years online ( swears the time he came to see her at her hotel when she was home visiting).

My problem is not knowing more u feel like I'm working with half the story. I know she has some cognitive issues with memory. She is incredibly adept at compartmenliz ing. In part because of trauma in her childhood.

It just hard to believe when she pulls out a memory from the past about other things that I she can't "remember" other things.

It makes it very hard to trust. When something comes up that sounds new it's like starting over. 

She says she will only tell me what 101 percent knows so as to avoid telling contradictory stores for fear of her memory issues being the cause.

So I'm left with the missing pieces. Trying my best to heal and move forward.


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anthro
UnsureofHer wrote:
She says she will only tell me what 101 percent knows so as to avoid telling contradictory stores for fear of her memory issues being the cause.


That gives her some pretty good plausible deniability if you catch her leaving something out! 

If you really believe she has genuine memory issues then you will never be confident that you are fully informed. It's impossible. So therefore you have to decide whether you can be adequately informed. Can you live with assuming all the bad stuff happened? Can you run with the working assumption that she has done a whole lot of stuff with these other guys that she has never done with you? It would mean saying something like, "whatever she did it is in the past, we go forward from here regardless."

I think this is very hard to do, but it is your only option besides splitting. I forced myself to visualise and run through everything that I could presume happened or probably happened. Everything. It was sickening, disgusting. But having stared it all down, it had less power and I had less need to know. That said, we are 2.5 years past d-day and I still think of leaving more often than not. So there is no easy answer. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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TimT
UnsureofHer wrote:
...My problem is not knowing more u feel like I'm working with half the story. I know she has some cognitive issues with memory. She is incredibly adept at compartmenlizing. In part because of trauma in her childhood. It just hard to believe when she pulls out a memory from the past about other things that she can't "remember" other things...
I won't pretent to know her mind or to give any assurance about whether she is being honest with you or not, but what I CAN say is that memory can be a complicated issue. The betrayal is such a significant event (or events) that the injured partner assumes that such an act would stand out in vivid memory, but the mind doesn't work that way. Your circumstance is one in which I would point out a number of conditions that likely result in your wife's inability to recall a lot of detail.
  1. The Nature of Memory. There are facts that every person who has had an affair should be able to confess: when it started/ended (at least generally), who was involved, how far the relationship progressed, whether declarations of love were made, etc. The recall of other details, however, can be somewhat sporadic. Our memories are not recordings that we can replay like a recorded video. That's not how the mind works. Recall is tied to emotion more than logic, so what a person does or does not remember may not always "make sense." 

    Injured partners may often assume that the strong feelings in an emotional affair would make memories more secure (and, in fact, there may be some strong memories tied to certain events). However, it is often the case that feelings of shame or fear (of being caught) are strong counters against the inclination to hold tightly to memories.

  2. Time. We know that time alters memories much more than we like to admit. I've often witnessed couples struggling with getting to the truth about the details of affairs that happened some time in the past. Even when the involved partner seems to be actively trying to answer questions, they are often unable to do so. Interestingly, if there is continued insistence for greater detail, the involved partner can actually begin to form memories of the past (often consistent with the injured partner's suspicions) that become part of the affair narrative even though they didn't really happen. The focus needs to be on gaining necessary knowledge, not exhaustive knowledge.

  3. "Compartmentalizing." Most people who are involved in an affair will learn to turn attention away from the experiences of the affair because it does not serve them well to be attentive to the details of the deception. It's a way to keep things hidden. It's a way to minimize shame. And it becomes more difficult to recall these things later. For people who already have the tendency to compartmentalize, I would guess the memory loss would be even more profound.

  4. Changes in Cognitive Functioning. Whether related to past trauma, brain injuries, or aging, anything that negatively affects the function of the brain may have an impact (often significant) on memory. One of the saddest things for me to witness is an older couple with one spouse desperately wanting answers and the other frustrated at their inability to provide what's needed. This is difficult enough for younger couples (see 1-2 above), but age complicates the process even more.
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ThrivenotSurvive
Courage wrote:
My WH wrote a truth letter about 2 years after dday outlining everything about his affair.  After 4 years I accidentally found new info about the affair. I found out he went to a hotel with her within the first month or so of the affair. ( affair was over 2 years) His truth letter told me that they had sex at a hotel for the first time after over a year in. He stressed that the affair was mostly talking and confiding in each other. Sex was only a minimal part of their relationship. Then I find out he’s going to a hotel with her within a month of his affair. He promised his truth letter revealed everything I wanted to know.

after all this time.. do I just dismiss it and not even bring it up? Do I just chalk it up to ‘the affair was full of lies?’ Trust is everything to me. I clung to every word in his ‘truth letter’ and tried to move forward after that. 
Finding new info rocks that foundation of trust for me. Should it? I haven’t seen anything that arouses suspicion in a very long time. 
Not sure what to do with this new information. It makes me despise him and question everything that has ever come out of his mouth. 


Courage - I think it would be unhealthy and detrimental to your well-being not to discuss it with your husband  I don't think you will be able to get it out of your mind and it will build MORE distrust and resentment.  Both will poison progress you have made.  

Also, I think it is imperative to determine why the discrepancy exists.  Given the fact that you didn't share whether you found proof of multiple trips to the hotel together or just one, or even if you had confirmation that she was definitely there, there could be an alternative explanation.  Unlikely, for sure.  But because we are now predisposed to immediately disbelieve our spouses sometimes we immediately go to the worst possible explanation.  

The vast majority of our spouses were VERY conflicted about what they were doing and it took them a while to wind up to crossing that line.  Many had lunches, happy hours or events they attended with their AP while they were still telling themselves they were "just friends" where they probably thought about crossing the line... but couldn't quite get there yet.  It is possible (though not likely) that he got a hotel with the intention of making the relationship physical - but couldn't go through with it - YET.  Or her plans got cancelled and she didn't make it.  

In either of those scenarios - he might have eliminated it in his mind because it seemed like a tawdry detail that didn't tell you anything useful - because technically the physical part had not started yet and you already knew the emotional part was well under way.  Like I said - this is unlikely.  And I agree with Sorry that if they did have sex then - he didn't somehow forget that it was an ENTIRE year earlier.  He might not remember the exact date - but the general time frame for sure. 

I had to think about your post for a full day before relying because this is a really, really hard one.  On the one hand, I can sometimes see it through the WS's eyes - they've already told us all the major points of the betrayal.  They've been honest that it was physical and emotional.  They've told us that it lasted for far longer than we knew, They've shared that they hurt us and betrayed us on every level that counted.  So why would we want to know MORE details when it will only give us more pain, more triggers and make it harder to heal when it technically we already know the worst parts.  To them it seems like we are begging them to add salt (each detail) into a gaping wound (the betrayal).  Of course it is also self-protection because they have to think deeply about how horrible they really were.  I just don't think it is the ONLY reason.

That being said, I am a BS - and I know exactly why we do it, and why it can be 100% necessary to move forward at ALL.  I wish there was some way to convey to WS the horror that every new revelation causes.  How one stupid lie can undo EVERYTHING that they and we have worked towards.  Trust is so fragile in the aftermath of a major betrayal like this and it gets exhausting rebuilding it.  There is a point all BSs will get to if the lies continue where they either close off their heart permanently (even if they remain in the marriage) or they will leave  Exactly where that line is will differ from BS to BS - but we all have it.  And every time they trickle -truth the closer they get to that line.  

I don't know what this will mean to your relationship.  But I don't see any good in not discussing it.  I'd just try to wait until both of you are in a pretty calm state and emotionally prepared for a difficult conversation (not hungry, tired, depressed etc.)  Then, as best you can, approach the issue with curiosity rather than anger (if you immediately engage his fight or flight reflex he will be more inclined to act in self-protective/defensive ways.)  Tell him you found something by accident that seemed to conflict with what he'd told you.  That you realize that he may have been trying to protect you, but that ANY form of lying will set you back, possibly irreparably, so you need for him to take a few deep breaths, stay calm and be as honest as he can possibly be.  That you would prefer to hear the TRUTH no matter what that might be. 

Obviously, you will then have to decide how to proceed with whatever information you receive.  I would try to look at the overall health of the marriage for the past 4 years - how much growth has happened, how safe you feel and how he reacts/handles this event before making any decisions.  

So sorry you are having to deal with this.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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