Mia2003 Show full post »
Mia2003
The kids said that he had asked them and both told him they weren't bothered and our youngest said he was afraid of the ferry.
He lost the house closer, but from what the kids said yes she wiould be with him.

I spoke to his mum yesterday and she said that he is making a good show of showing he is happy but she is still convinced it won't last. But he won't listen apparently he is determined to make this work. As she said where else has he got to go.

She said she was disappointed in him going to a solicitor over France, and she was surprised I gave in, but I said I had no choice.

Haven't gone to a solicitor yet...not sure where to start there. Help
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Negarcia
Mia2003 wrote:
The kids said that he had asked them and both told him they weren't bothered and our youngest said he was afraid of the ferry.
He lost the house closer, but from what the kids said yes she wiould be with him.

I spoke to his mum yesterday and she said that he is making a good show of showing he is happy but she is still convinced it won't last. But he won't listen apparently he is determined to make this work. As she said where else has he got to go.

She said she was disappointed in him going to a solicitor over France, and she was surprised I gave in, but I said I had no choice.

Haven't gone to a solicitor yet...not sure where to start there. Help


Why did you feel you have no choice? Call any solicitor and get advice? All he is doing is threatening you. You need to stand your ground as well.
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Heidi
I don't understand, where did you get the advice to give in from if not a solicitor? You really do need to get advice. I know it's scary and a big step, and will make things real for you. But it will also mean you know where you stand, and have someone who is clear headed to advise you what the law says, not what feels right / fair / unfair etc.

Make a shortlist tonight of solicitors to call. Then first thing tomorrow ring them to book a consultation. You need to find out where you stand and what the next steps will be.
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Mia2003
The solicitor I spoke to months ago was away so I rang up something called Mackenzie friends and they advised me.

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Mia2003
I spoke to his mother the other day...she said he wants to make this 'relationship' work....how can he be so determined to make that work but couldn't be arsed with his marriage?
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Heidi
I've no idea, but if he's already having to 'work' st this new relationship it says a lot about it, doesn't it?
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Mia2003
His mum says he is aware that there is a growing distance between him and the kids but he is clinging on, that's why all the trips etc. It's sad really .

Is his life really so great now with her?

Wish he would come to his senses and try and sort it out with me. I'm obviously not worth it. All our memories, our kids.

It was interesting, I was talking to our youngest the other day about all this and when the topic of if daddy came home he said that it would be weird if he came back and wasn't sure he wanted him as he'd upset him. That was so sad. H has no idea what hurt he has done carrying on as he has.
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Anna26
Mia,

I know that you know you can't push or force him into doing anything, and to be honest, you wouldn't want him, knowing that he hadn't come back of his own free will. 
If he came back, you want him to do that because he respects who you are and realises what a fool he has been. 

I think we have all felt at times that there is something wrong with us, we feel inferior and are simply not worth it.  In a nutshell, we are so WRONG!!  We are worth much more than sitting pining our lives away for someone who may never get his head out of dreamland, my own H included.  I really think he has no idea of my pain, or what I go through sometimes.
 
There is an advert on TV you may have seen, the walk for dementia thing.  In it there is a woman who is saying walk for the man who is my carer, who stood by me, through all the years, because he SAID HE WOULD.  Each time I see that my heart breaks because for me and each and every one of us BS's, there is someone who couldn't stick to what he or she said they would do.  And I think why, why am I one of these people who has been left alone instead of being with someone they thought they would grow old and grey with.  It's gutting, I know how you feel.  I think I feel worse just now as I have been unwell with an ongoing problem and need support

Keep going, making a life for you and doing the 180, like you have been doing.  One day you will be strong enough to not even care about his choices or what he does.  We all will.
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Mia2003
Hi Anna, hope you are starting to feel better. Who is looking after you? I hope you have some friends and family around.


I find it hard him telling his mum that he wants this relationship with her to work whereas he walked away from his marriage . Where he loses his kids and his home.

I find it hard to comprehend how his life is better and happier now when his mum says it doesn't seem he is doing anything different , apart from being with her.
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Graceandhope
Mia, can I gently recommend you not discuss how your H is or is not doing with his mother, I'm suggesting that it is not helpful to you emotionally. It seems to pull you backwards.

If she could be supportive of you in what you are doing to take care of yourself and the kids that's great but you can not worry about her not understanding what he is doing it how he could do what he is doing for that matter, neither can you, really. It won't make sense to you, and you can't fix this for him.

Know you are doing the best you can at any given point, that with every set back there will also be movement forward. Take all your effort to make today (each day) the best you can make it (knowing that some days that may be spending the day in bed watching reruns or awful movies, if you don't have the kids or it being a success because you left the house.
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Anna26
Mia2003 wrote:
Hi Anna, hope you are starting to feel better. Who is looking after you? I hope you have some friends and family around. I find it hard him telling his mum that he wants this relationship with her to work whereas he walked away from his marriage . Where he loses his kids and his home. I find it hard to comprehend how his life is better and happier now when his mum says it doesn't seem he is doing anything different , apart from being with her.



Mia, thank you for your concern, I am getting there, just a back problem, but I do have people around me to help, just disconcerting that it's not the person it should be.  Feel better emotionally today too, just goes to show how this can strike any of us at any time. 

You need to try and separate yourself from him emotionally though, like Graceand hope says, it does seem to hold you back.  That may be all you need sometimes, telling yourself that he is big enough to look after himself and his mess.  You don't need to.  It's easy to get sucked in when you are used to being concerned about someone.  The tiniest little steps you can make really are the biggest achievements.
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Mia2003
Glad your back is getting better.

I know what I have to do but doing it is more difficult. I just want him to wake up and come home. I could try to forgive him.
Everyone says he's not coming back, but I find it hard to accept that.
Had a bad day yesterday...don't know why but cried a lot. A song on the radio brought it on full force.
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Anna26
Mia2003 wrote:
Glad your back is getting better. I know what I have to do but doing it is more difficult. I just want him to wake up and come home. I could try to forgive him. Everyone says he's not coming back, but I find it hard to accept that. Had a bad day yesterday...don't know why but cried a lot. A song on the radio brought it on full force.



Thank you Mia.  It's strange what little things can really set you off, but it's the same for most of us and crying is actually strangely therapeutic. 

I think we try too hard to accept things, for me it's more like, 'just living with the worst case scenario, ie:  he's left, and you are on your own.  That's it.  Accept that, forget about worrying about him and what you could do to make things right, or forgiveness or any of those things that come with reconciliation.  We live too much in the future with hopes of what could be instead of in the moment with what we have.  It's hard, but that is how it is, you just have to face up to it.  Any changes, any movement towards you from him in the future, when you are maybe not expecting it, is a bonus.  Don't worry about what's coming, just live for now and do it one day at a time.
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