Mia2003
Hi all,

My story so far.
My h and I had been together 20 years and I thought were solid. We have 2 kids. Last year he started to get a bit down after Christmas. Then in March he had a funeral which pushed him further down. He started withdrawing from me and the kids, drinking more, working late etc. Finally in May he said he was unhappy and didn't love me anymore. Was a complete shock.

He stayed for 3 months but it was awful. He was like a stranger, wouldn't touch me, very negative about me and our relationship. I got by depressed and ended up shouting at him.

He left in August and moved 40 minutes away. In October the kids cam back from seeing him and talked about some female work colleague. When asked h just said she was a friend.

I went through his phone bill the next day and found he'd been texting and phoning this woman continuously since atleast April.

H denied anything was going on and just said he was confiding in her because he was unhappy.

In November something happened and he finally admitted to our kids that he was seeing her. My kids had to tell me.

In February he moved in with her and her daughter.

His behaviour and lack of consideration towards me is heartbreaking. He's threatening me with mediation for child access also he gets plenty. I'm at my wits end. I don't want my marriage over...I still love the man I married but this person is a stranger. The kids are devastated. Is there any hope and if so would I ever be able to forgive him?
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TimT
Mia2003 wrote:
...I'm at my wits end. I don't want my marriage over...I still love the man I married but this person is a stranger. The kids are devastated. Is there any hope and if so would I ever be able to forgive him?

There is hope, but not certainty. Obviously, you have little control over your husband's choices and nobody knows what he will end up doing. But this site encourages you to make right choices for YOU, and that includes focusing on what your next steps will be instead of trying to get him to do what you want. If you haven't read it yet, I'd encourage you to read the Wayward Spouse eBook. (It's free.)

Will you be able to forgive him? I hope so. Even if he never comes back I hope, for your sake, that you will be able to eventually forgive. If you are someone who normally does not hold on to past hurts or grudges, you will likely be able to forgive this, too. But deep pain require deep forgiveness, so it will be a process. It may take you a while to get there, but moving in the right direction is important.

Watching a partner spin into a self-focused behavior that does so much damage to others is extremely difficult. Many times, this behavior seems so out-of-place compared to years of previous experience with them. But affairs do that to many people. I know... it did it to me, once. I finally got back to a better place, but it took me too long and my marriage didn't survive. I hope your husband won't take as long.
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Mia2003
Hi thanks. I have read your book.

I can't say to him that I love him and that I want to work on the marriage ( your first point) . He has caused me so much hurt and made me feel rejection I can't leave myself open to that again.

Minimal contact etc is done. I feel very sad and alone but I also know that each day I am getting stronger. Please advise on an alternative to the first one
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Mia2003
Have had a bad morning....looking through old photos. Am so sad. Can't believe the man I look at in the photos has done this to me.
How could I have let this happen. What did I miss?

Does he even think of me at all when he is being so horrible whilst living with another woman? Does he not feel any regret or am I just the awful wife that he had to run away from? Somebody please help me I am despairing .
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Heidi
Mia, my heart goes out to you. I, too, am a BS, though of course all our stories differ. What seems the same is the intense pain we suffer, and I know I went through those same emotions you are going through right now.

The important thing to realise is that you ARE enough. You are loveable, a good person, and deserve to be happy. As awful as it is to know, the affair was never about you. It was about your WS and his deficiencies. He may not realise this yet, but one day he will.

In the meantime you need to work on taking care of yourself. A few things my counsellor suggested to get me through the bad days: do one nice thing for yourself every day. That could be meeting a friend, a bath, a walk in the park. Whatever it takes to be kind to yourself. She also insisted I leave the house once a day at least. Keep your connection with the world. Even see the beauty in it if you can. I also practiced mindfulness. There are a lot of good apps and podcasts for this. If you google it you should be able to find them.

Your husband may or may not come around. But you WILL feel better eventually. In the meantime, you will need to go through the pain before you get to the other side. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, because you are SO worth it.
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Mia2003
I'm just so low today. Wish I could snap out of it.

Listening to my 8 year old how they all went out to walk the dog broke my heart yesterday. My husband has just moved on and started a new family.

I can't get my head round his behaviour .
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Heidi
I hear you. Hearing those sort of stories must be awful. And sometimes when we are low it's about just getting through the day. Surviving a few hours. Hoping that tomorrow will be better than today. After discovering an affair there's so much that's out of our control, and that lack of control can be very frightening. I tried to concentrate on the things I COULD control, like seeing friends, planning things with the kids etc.

I wish I could take away the pain, but nobody can. I think it's something we have to go through to get to the other side. But I can tell you it will get better. And that there are many of us here who know what you are going through, and are rooting for you. Sometimes it helps to know we are not alone.
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Mia2003
I don't think I am ever going to get to the other side.

I can't understand how he can just move on so quickly, how he can show absolute no regard for my feelings
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Mia2003
If spouse is living with affair partner is it still an affair?
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sunflower07
Mia2003 wrote:
If spouse is living with affair partner is it still an affair?


I think it is, especially if he's still married to you. You don't say if he's filed for divorce? I know when I was at my lowest point I made this decision in my heart that I would always be open to taking my husband back even if he left me and divorced me.

I know this kind of thinking isn't for everyone but in an odd way it did give me some comfort because when I thought about our marriage being over forever, it overwhelmed me. There are actually websites that talk about this. They call it "standing for your marriage".

I also took comfort in the fact that very few affairs result in long-term relationships. There are many reasons. One book that helped me was " You, Him and the Other woman" by Paul Coleman. I think it was on the reading list here from this website.

Take care of yourself. You're a good person and don't deserve how he is treating you. Someday he will realize his wrong actions but we just cannot know when this will be. I've been in the place you are at right now and I can tell you that things do get better.
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UrbanExplorer
As a WS, I can say the shame of the affair coming out and the thought of how much work it would take to fix the marriage can make leaving (with or without AP) seem easier. Plus, the affair relationship is newer so it hasn't startled to fizzle yet. Thus, it does not mean there is anything wrong with you or anything the AP has that you do not. She doesn't.
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Dirazz
Mia I am truly sorry for all the pain you are experiencing. I am BS too. It's been 8 months since DD. I too at the beginning thought the pain would never go away. And I had a truly remorseful spouse that did anything I needed to feel safe. So I can't begin to imagine how you feel knowing he's with the OW.
Yes counseling, reading and this Community helped a lot!! But God is what helped me the most. Everyday I turned over my pain and sadness to God! And every day got better. He is and was my true healer. Please know it will get better. I literally took things min by min the first few months. That's all I could do! Your strong and did nothing to deserve this!!!
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Mia2003
Thanks all. I'm struggling.

Can't understand how he could have done this.

Urban, did you ever return? Should I just give up? Is there a chance him and ow will fizzle out? His sister says he's very taken with her [frown]
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Tim2014
Mia the very taken with her is the affair fog that's all the feel good chemicals are firing in his brain. But yes that goes away over time and they see the ap for what and who they are . How long it takes who knows but for his sake hopefully he wakes up before all is gone. Some can't find their way back past the shame and guilt. It's a struggle .
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Mia2003
So there is some hope. I haven't handled this at all well in the past. I shouted at him when he was saying he didn't love me and he blamed that for leaving. When he said that is it an excuse ? Have I destroyed all by shouting in the past
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