What is he doing to address the underlying issues? Has he done any counseling or maybe Tim's course on the Truth Talk and Understanding Whys?
A key thing in play here is that there is a REASON that the WS's go-to is one of deception. if they were able to honestly address their needs, they wouldn't have needed to get them met somewhere else because you would have worked to meet them together. So the deceptions started back there. Then they continued to be deceptive as they found underhanded/hidden ways of addressing something they thought was missing (in themselves, in their life or in the relationship.) Controlling the story after DD is an extension of this. They are still uncomfortable or incapable of being truly transparent - of owning all the parts of themselves, their feelings/thoughts and things they have done. The key is that for some twisted reason they can't just say "I am unhappy" "I need more" "I feel old" etc. They hide these issues from themselves and then decide that someone else is going to "fix" it. So while the details ARE important for several reasons, including just knowing that he has achieved enough growth that he is brave enough to be honest - it isn't the most important thing. The most important thing is to figure out WHY he doesn't feel comfortable being honest - with himself, with you, with anyone. When THAT is found and addressed - you will likely get the truth. And when you hear the truth, you usually know it. It is often not as bad as your worst nightmare - but is also usually not as good as you hope... but it still feels REAL. Digging for truth with someone who doesn't understand themselves - is like the blind leading the blind. It is only as they self-reflect and begin to understand who they are, and how they got there, that they can explain it to you. OR have the courage to tell you he bald-faced truth. Before that all they are trying to do is damage control. To limit their discomfort and yours by revealing as little as they can to quiet the voices in your head. They don't yet value honesty. They only see the pain it will bring - potentially you walking away, them having to face how awful the things they have done and how hurt they'd be in your shoes, etc. But they don't yet see it's power to bring GOOD. That the truth in fact, does set you free. That being honest with those around you allows them to meet your needs. That being honest allows the people who love you to begin to trust you again and maybe even forgive your mistakes. That truth can allow you to be loved for who your REALLY are - and not a facade that you hold up. And when you stop holding the facade, you realize how truly exhausting it is and you don't really want to go back. Until he has that change - where he values honesty and sees it as something that will bring good into his life, it will be an uphill battle.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl