tessak
I’m not sure where to start with this... I’m new to this whole forum/community posting thing, but I don’t feel like I can talk about my fiancée’s affair to anyone I’m close with so I’m hoping this might help me try to work through things.
We’ve known each other since high school (forever ago), but have been a couple for 3 years now. We just had a baby boy at the beginning of May (his first child, my second- after leaving my daughter’s father in 2014 due to an affair of his own), and just last week my fiancée finally admitted to this affair. I became suspicious of something going on late last fall, after finding out about our pregnancy and ended up digging for information for the last month after some inappropriate text messages were forwarded to me. We’ve had issues a couple of times with inappropriate messages being sent to other women, but they were short-lived so we were able to work through those indiscretions. This is a whole new ball game... he’s admitted to having gone to this other woman’s house once and to her being in our home just a couple weeks after our son was born. He claims they never actually had sex, but their physical contact was limited to kissing/touching and that he couldn’t go through with anything more during this last encounter, telling her about me and our son at that time. I’m absolutely devastated and heart broken... I prayed daily that my suspicions wouldn’t be confirmed. Maybe a mistake, but in the heat of the moment after finding out, I emailed this woman, who’s story is different from his of course. She told me that they’ve been friends for a long time (I’d never even heard of her until now) and that their relationship became physical back in January, with them meeting once a month or so... he says this is an exaggeration and claims she was hurt by his ultimately rejecting her.
 I don’t know that the details ultimately matter, once or a hundred times, it still hurts. Especially since he knew how badly this affected me with my ex. I feel so lost and livid, and betrayed beyond belief. And despite all that, I really am in love with this man and am scared to lose him. This is supposed to be such a happy time for our family and I don’t know how to cope or what to do moving forward. I’m hoping that I can find some clarity here
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jasmine
I’m sorry to learn of your experience. I went through something very similar early on in my relationship. The man who would become husband spent the night with another woman. At first he insisted “nothing happened” and that he’d slept on the sofa but after my questioning he admitted to having spent the night in her bed but insisted he didn’t have sex with her. Being young and naive I wanted to believe that the ultimate boundary of sexual infidelity hadn’t been breached. If you were to ask me now what I believe, I would say on the balance of probability they probably did have sex on that occasion. I don’t know if there were other occasions but I think it’s a possibility. With greater life experience and knowing of other people’s stories, “just the once” and “nothing happened” are typical lying strategies, or certainty minimalizing. Also, I didn’t find any of this out until a year or so after it happened. 

If I knew then..... Perhaps I would have made other decisions but I saw it as a one-off mistake and put it down to experience. Yet at the same time, what my husband learned from that experience was how to become a better liar. He knew where he’d tripped up. 

Knowing what I know now, I would say that his early infidelity was not a good omen. I was never supposed to find out. Unfortunately that pattern of deception continued, with his compulsive porn use and going to strip bars. His “hidden” behaviours were very damaging. I heard a lot of lies. It goes all the way back to his first infidelity. He wasn’t so comfortable with telling lies then. I don’t know what I believe some days. 
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Fionarob
Unfortunately, I think once people 'get away' with infidelity and there are no consequences, it gives them the message that they can do it again.  It's not just that they get better at lying, they become confident in the fact that even if they get caught, you will forgive them and there will be no consequences. 
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anthro
My only comment is that his AP's version of the story has the ring of truth, and his has some other kind of ring. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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notemanj
Look through my other posts. I have dozens of ddays. He didn’t know this girl. Then they just texted. Then they just hung out a few times and on and on and on. Ultimately, it was a full blown affair that included taking her to the hotel we spent our wedding night at and lasted long after I thought it had ended. 

They are liars. Protecting themselves, thinking they are protecting you, covering their as$es, hoping to keep contact. Whatever their reason, they are liars. And until he stops, you are not safe. She told you more of the truth. Be thankful for that. 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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jasmine
I definitely believe that lying is a skill that many unfaithful partners have learned along the way. I was quite shocked at how skilled a liar my husband was — and there are many ways to lie, not just answering a question untruthfully. For instance, when my husband started to develop an emotional affair with a woman he worked with, he said a few things about her to throw me off the scent. He told me he hardly spoke to her (not true), he told me she had bad skin (so I didn’t suspect that he found her attractive), and that she had a boyfriend (who she was breaking up with, but he didn’t tell me that part).

With lying, there are partial truths, lies of omission, misleading someone to believe  one thing when the reality is something different. My husband also chooses his words so carefully so as not to be ‘untrue’. When I asked him outright if he had been unfaithful he asked me ‘what is being unfaithful’? Like, he doesn’t know what the word means? But anyone with specialist training in detecting lying and deception will tell you that most people are uncomfortable with answering a direct question with an outright lie, and will actually stall or try to wriggle out of a tight spot — ‘what do you mean?’, ‘when would I have had the opportunity?’, ‘who with?’ ‘don’t be ridiculous’, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ and the old standbys ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I can’t remember’. And when they feel cornered it’s ‘I don’t know how you can even think of such a thing!’. My husband is a classic liar and he using classic (that is, predictable) lying techniques. Unfortunately there is no way of making anyone honest. 

I don’t believe that my husband had a sexual relationship with this woman although I think it could have been heading there. He was still prepared to lie about her and in my experience lying isn’t about sparing the partner’s feelings so much as protecting the behaviour of the person telling the lies.
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Keepabuzz
What you have described is the definition of gaslighting which is with out a doubt abusive. My wife certainly did it to me. So badly that I honestly thought I was going crazy. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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notemanj
My H and I once had a 12 hour argument over the definition of “cuddling.” 🤦🏼‍♀️  I, too, questioned my sanity at times. He had perfected the art of gaslighting me long before he ever stepped a toe towards an affair. 

We could never argue about the matter at hand. He would steer any disagreement away from the issue and into no man’s land so far that I would have a hard time getting back to reality. 

Just as a side note to this issue, I’m a very well educated woman. I don’t normally brag about such things, but in making my point, I have a doctorate degree. I also have enough common sense to hold my own in daily living. The point is, I knew when he was doing it to me, but was somehow helpless to stop it. I could go down the path with him, accept his lies, or just end the conversation. All of which would stop me from getting to the issue at hand. 

Don’t ever think of yourself as stupid for falling for the gaslighting. Don’t think of yourself as stupid for ignoring early signs or for forgiving past indiscretions. Love is a powerful emotion. And we want to think the best of our partners. That doesn’t make you stupid or gullible. It makes you kind and empathetic. 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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tessak
Everything in the responses to my original post rings so true... I too, am an educated woman, with advanced degrees in both psychology and nursing... and I find myself ignoring what I know for what I want— he wants— me to believe.
Since I first confirmed this affair, the story has been changing. Come to find out, the AP is actually the cousin of a cousin of my own with whom I used to be very close. After something like this in a fairly small town, I’ve now basically lost one of my closest confidants because she felt the need to choose sides so to speak... these things don’t only affect two or three or four lives...
My problem as it deals with my relationship now, seems to have gotten a little bit better, but still lies in what to believe... While I still hold more faith in the APs version of the story, she also has quite a reputation for sleeping with attached men, apparently, so to believe either of them, logically, would be nothing more than stupid on my part... Having studied human behavior for years, why can’t I figure out the truth? I completely understand the comments made about feeling crazy... I got to a point last week that I told my fiancée (how to address him escapes me— I threw my ring at him awhile back) that he had to be Satan because of how this story has been twisted and my thoughts manipulated so badly. 

I thought by now I’d have found some sort of peace, and although more details have come out, I really have no idea what to believe. The lies and half-truths I’ve gotten so far have turned me into this unattractive, relentless Inspector Gadget again and I thought that part would be over.  I don’t feel like I can start the actual healing process until I know the complete truth to the questions I’ve asked. I’m starting to question so many conversations we’ve had throughout the last three years... but there’s really been no solid “proof” of anything. How do I know what to believe anymore? I do believe that our communication is getting better by leaps and bounds, and I believe that there’s truth to what he’s admitted, but when do I give up and take him for his word? He’s trying, I have to give him that... he’s not as good at his attempts as I’d like, but there is definite improvement. What if this last version of the story really is the truth and I just have no faith that it really is?

So confused... 😓
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ThrivenotSurvive
What is he doing to address the underlying issues?  Has he done any counseling or maybe Tim's course on the Truth Talk and Understanding Whys?  

A key thing in play here is that there is a REASON that the WS's go-to is one of deception.  if they were able to honestly address their needs, they wouldn't have needed to get them met somewhere else because you would have worked to meet them together.  So the deceptions started back there.  Then they continued to be deceptive as they found underhanded/hidden ways of addressing something they thought was missing (in themselves, in their life or in the relationship.) Controlling the story after DD is an extension of this.  They are still uncomfortable or incapable of being truly transparent - of owning all the parts of themselves, their feelings/thoughts and things they have done. 

The key is that for some twisted reason they can't just say "I am unhappy" "I need more" "I feel old" etc.  They hide these issues from themselves and then decide that someone else is going to "fix" it.

So while the details ARE important for several reasons, including just knowing that he has achieved enough growth that he is brave enough to be honest - it isn't the most important thing.  The most important thing is to figure out WHY he doesn't feel comfortable being honest - with himself, with you, with anyone.  When THAT is found and addressed - you will likely get the truth.  And when you hear the truth, you usually know it.   It is often not as bad as your worst nightmare - but is also usually not as good as you hope... but it still feels REAL.  

Digging for truth with someone who doesn't understand themselves - is like the blind leading the blind.  It is only as they self-reflect and begin to understand who they are, and how they got there, that they can explain it to you.   OR have the courage to tell you he bald-faced truth.  

Before that all they are trying to do is damage control.  To limit their discomfort and yours by revealing as little as they can to quiet the voices in your head.  They don't yet value honesty.  They only see the pain it will bring - potentially you walking away, them having to face how awful the things they have done and how hurt they'd be in your shoes, etc.   But they don't yet see it's power to bring GOOD.  That the truth in fact, does set you free.  That being honest with those around you allows them to meet your needs.  That being honest allows the people who love you to begin to trust you again and maybe even forgive your mistakes.  That truth can allow you to be loved for who your REALLY are - and not a facade that you hold up.  And when you stop holding the facade, you realize how truly exhausting it is and you don't really want to go back.  

Until he has that change - where he values honesty and sees it as something that will bring good into his life, it will be an uphill battle.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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