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Kalmarjan
One way to look at this...

Your AP is trying to stir the pot.shes trying to destroy what you have. You know how to defeat that? Bring your wife into the fold. That's how I got through this.

Approach your wife. Be honest. Tell her that you feel like your Aap is trying to goad you into responding, and that you want to do this with her, together. You two verses her.

Discuss the strategy, how you want to respond. Be open. Be transparent. Show your wife you are all in on your relationship.

Approach it like you want to be with your wife but you need her help to defeat this outliers, and I am sure that she will look at it differently. Get her involved, and follow what her wishes are.


In my case, my AP texted me non stop one day. It was the anniversary of the abortion she had. I knew it was coming. I immediately went to my wife, showed her, and asked her what we should do. We came up with a game plan together, and I haven't heard from my AP since. Not one text, note, etc. Nothing.

But we beat her together. That's the important thing.

Yes, your wife will be upset. But give her the reins, a feeling like she will have some say in this, and it will pay off.
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sunflower07
Kal has great advice!

My husband has had a few encounters with his AP. He always tells me right away. He states his position on how he feels about how this might affect me. He tells me what he did to end her attempts at pulling him back in.

I think you should tell your wife and involve her in the plan.

I respect my husband for telling me and I thank him without over analyzing the contact.

This has seemed to work really well for us. He's seen her twice in the last four months for brief 5 minute encounters where other people are also in the room.
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Valntine66
Follow up on telling my BS about my AP contacting me. We had an alone time. I started to tell her that some friends of ours I had t block on Facebook because.....she then stopped me. "Don't tell me, I don't want to talk about it." I could tell that she was more concentrating on our CA trip and did not want to even discuss our situation. I will respect her wishes, I hope that she gets the idea that I was about to tell her that my AP was contacting me.

At least, I can lay my head down knowing that I desired to tell her and be open and honest with her.

Kral, what I face with m y BS is that she really does not want to talk to me except for business, finances, and church. Any personal issues or any thing I'm goring thru, she shuts me out. At least so far on this trip, she talks to me, calls me honey, and even bought my favorite lunch without me asking. Count my blessings and name them one by one, county my many blessings and see what the Lord hath done.
Val
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sunflower07
She sounds like she is in denial. Maybe she will eventually move into another stage of grief that will be more conducive to working on your marriage?

Good for you with following through on your intention. I'm sure she knew exactly where the conversation was going.

May the Lord bless you!
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Anna26
lleckron wrote:
Follow up on telling my BS about my AP contacting me. We had an alone time. I started to tell her that some friends of ours I had t block on Facebook because.....she then stopped me. "Don't tell me, I don't want to talk about it." I could tell that she was more concentrating on our CA trip and did not want to even discuss our situation. I will respect her wishes, I hope that she gets the idea that I was about to tell her that my AP was contacting me. At least, I can lay my head down knowing that I desired to tell her and be open and honest with her. Kral, what I face with m y BS is that she really does not want to talk to me except for business, finances, and church. Any personal issues or any thing I'm goring thru, she shuts me out. At least so far on this trip, she talks to me, calls me honey, and even bought my favorite lunch without me asking. Count my blessings and name them one by one, county my many blessings and see what the Lord hath done.




Do you know what I would do here Lleckron.  I'd sit down and write everything down just as it is, just as it happened. Date, time, how you felt about it all.  Write that you wanted to explain it all to her and why.  That you thought it was important at the time, but that she didn't want to hear what you wanted to say right then.  That she couldn't handle it. So you made a written record. 
Not only will you get those feelings out, giving you a sense of calm, but YOU won't forget if it all gets blown out of perspective later on.  You may never need it, but then again, if you do, you have proof of what you wanted to do at the time.
Just a thought, as that's me, writing things down all the time..[smile]
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Valntine66
Anna26 wrote:




Do you know what I would do here Lleckron.  I'd sit down and write everything down just as it is, just as it happened. Date, time, how you felt about it all.  Write that you wanted to explain it all to her and why.  That you thought it was important at the time, but that she didn't want to hear what you wanted to say right then.  That she couldn't handle it. So you made a written record. 
Not only will you get those feelings out, giving you a sense of calm, but YOU won't forget if it all gets blown out of perspective later on.  You may never need it, but then again, if you do, you have proof of what you wanted to do at the time.
Just a thought, as that's me, writing things down all the time..[smile]


I keep a daily journal, both the written and audio. But it is a good idea to write down how you feel and what's going on. But I did bring it up last night after I took a long walk thinking of how I want to say to her. After I came back from my long walk, the opportunity opened up I said to her that my AP contacted me through Facebook but I did not read the text nor did I respond back but I had to block the friends that she used to get in touch with me. She responded with, "I don't care anymore, I really don't care! I appreciate you being honest with me, but I don't care."

Then she went out with her sisters to have a ladies night out. While I stayed with my son and my grandson at the resort. She ended up spending the night at her sisters house.
Val
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Anna26
Then your objective has been achieved - she knows.  And at least you know she appreciated you telling her.  You did the right thing and I'm glad you got a chance to say it...
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