AHmember116
It has been over 4 years since D Day.  My husband was caught with someone I have known since I was 6 years old.  Although we both knew she was not a true friend it was always about her and poor her a single mom and she was always a very jealous person. She admitted she was jealous my husband took me away from her then my first child.  I always knew she was not a true friend I just stayed friends with her because I knew her for so long and I knew she could not keep a friend.  So it turned out my husband had a EA as well as a PA affair with her  for over 2 1/2 years knowing she was sleeping with 5 other men. She was a very unhappy person she  was a alcoholic, addicted to pain killers that she was stealing from my husband and others.   Once I figured it out he no longer had contact with her but like most spouses in the fog said some very mean things.  It took me about 2 years to really start to put some things together.  14 years ago we became good friends with my sons boss.  We had arguments about her but he assured me he had no feelings for her and we had dated since we were 16 married at 21 and at the point married for 20 years.  He was always very jealous and one of our ways of showing love was we always bought each other a lot of gifts.  So after 2 years of d day it really started to bother me and a lot of things started to come back to me.  He was no longer jealous once we became friends with my sons boss.  He stopped buying me gifts.  When I would mention becoming friends with her he would interrupt me to say she wanted to be his friend.  After D day he did tell me he did not love me for a long time and after looking back I now think I know why.  She was also a very jealous person.  To this day he will not admit it and will not even admit he had feelings for her but just told me 6 months ago when he was helping her pain she would rub her top parts against him but did not tell me cause he though it was no big deal.  The next day I told him he knows friends do not do that to their so called friends husband.  He said  your right and I asked then why did you not tell me cause you wanted something more to happen and of course he denies it.  I feel this is why I can not move forward and he knows this but wants to pretend it never happened. I do know he is ashamed and embarrassed of what I know for sure is true with my so called friend.  I think he is to embarrassed to admit he did it twice and I do not feel safe, or loved knowing he can lie to me and I have explained to him that hes just putting himself first but he just insist their was never any feelings for her.  I do not think I am crazy or have this wrong looking for others thoughts since I have only share the truth with one person and do not want them to know their probably is more.
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Heidi
Hi AHmember. First of all I'm so sorry to hear of your pain, especially so long after your original d day. I think it adds an extra dimension of sadness when the A happens between two people you loved and trusted. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm not completely sure if the timeline from your post, but it sounds as though the inappropriate behaviour with your son's boss happened after you discovered the affair with your friend. Is that right?

To me it sounds as though you haven't got the full truth you need to move on, or at least don't feel safe that your husband has acknowledged the inappropriateness of his behaviour, in order to make you feel safe. Trickle truths can be so painful, I know because I got them too.

The question for me is, what do you need in order to heal? Full disclosure? Evidence that he's changed his behaviour and knows the closeness with other women was wrong? Both of those things are necessary for me to move forwards.

I'd recommend (if you haven't already) reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. If possible, I also think marriage counselling could give you both a safe place to talk these things through.

If your husband is anything like mine he is horrified at what he's done but not able to express it. He'd probably much rather not talk about it at all. Counselling (or help from books) can sometimes help them to see another side.

I discovered past inappropriate behaviour as part of my husband's full disclosure, and like you didn't want to tell people. It was like going through the shame all over again. But it isn't your shame, it is his.
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AHmember116
Thank you very much for your reply.  What I am looking for is the truth.  I brought up the subject about 2 weeks ago and he said he does not think he had feelings for my sons boss but when I asked him then how come you stopped buying me gifts, stopped being jealous he had no answer.  I think he knows in his heart he was attracted to her or something happened but is to ashamed and can not even admit it to himself.  My biggest problem is for the first 20 years of our marriage we shared everything. We did almost everything together we worked together and enjoyed working together.  When I found out about the one with my so called friend I told him from the beginning if he was not going to honest we can just end it.  I always thought and we did for 20 years always share everything with one another.  If he cant be honest and admit it to me or himself how do you trust someone that can lie to them self.  I know one of my faults is when he would be honest I would blow up so I have been doing much better but to me it so obvious that he had feelings for her at one time. I know he normally would of told me she was rubbing against him well painting at one time the only reason I dont think he told me is because he liked it and wanted more to go on.  Knowing who she really is know (shes no longer a friend moved to another state)she slept with her daughters bf boyfriend and a couple of other guys that worked for her and found out later she was married 6 times and she was also jealous of our marriage even after 20 years we always held hands and did everything together.  But now when I look back I remember him coming home from my sons hockey game and telling me hes going to a team party and hes going even if I dont go which he would of never said previously.  I just need the truth to move forward and I dont feel like I can tell him everything knowing he can keep secrets from me.  Again thank you so much for your reply.
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