Greyes128
My husband had his affair 3 years ago, was so sweet to start the affair on my birthday. My birthday was the other day and it was great, I didn’t think about sadness or anything. My husband and I have made great progress since our d day well over 2 years ago. The problem is video games, he loves them and I never had a problem with it until now. He and a few guys from work are playing together online, one of the guys invited a woman they work with to play. I don’t like it. They have a text group and I looked at my husband’s phone and he has texted with her strictly about the game, she has tried to talk about other things but he ignores it. I asked him to stop texting in the group because it made me uncomfortable. Last night he, one of the guys and this woman played and put their phones in a conference call. I sat in the living room for as long as I could handle hearing her talk. I know it’s a video game but my gosh her character was getting attacked and my husband was like I’m coming to save you blah blah. I had enough, I went to the bedroom turned my sound machine up as loud it would go and tried to read. This morning of course we argued about the whole thing. I told him that it’s very hard for me to see and hear him playing a game with another woman and texting her even if it’s just a game. He said he understands but if he did wouldn’t he stop? I told him if this was me crafting with a guy he would freak out. He said I’m selfish and controlling him and never want him to have fun. To which I just laughed and said so much for all the hard work getting over your affair. 
So my question is am I being unreasonable here? Am I overreacting? His affair started three years ago over a text. Granted our marriage was completely different back then. He’s very transparent now and offers his phone up but that’s not the point. I think he’s be unreasonable and he thinks I’m the unreasonable. I hate this stupid game.
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Dirazz
NO! you are not being unreasonable. He cannot put himself in any kind of situation that may not only look bad, but has potential for other talk other than gaming. My WH communicated with the OW through a gaming app so I am very sensitive to this. I told him for me to feel safe I could not handle him having any kind of gaming app on his phone. He agreed that would be best and hasn’t had one since.
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anthro
You are not being unreasonable. What he is doing is probably completely harmless, but if it is setting off anxiety for you then he just has to work with that reality (the reality he created). 

I personally have always thought, and still do think, that there's no reason in general why women and men can't be friends. I work with a lot of women, probably more women than men now I think about it. (I am also uncomfortable with the idea of all the men in some workplace doing something socially that excludes women, since that is part of how women have been locked out of career opportunities in the past.) I don't really socialise with work people outside work at all, male or female, except for a few gatherings that are whole-family things. I do think that a life where I had to carefully avoid chit-chat with women, or my wife had to avoid chit-chat with men, would be a bit ridiculous and not at all the way I want to love. But the rules are just different if you are trying to repair a marriage post-affair, and that's that. Your husband is now in an awkward position and it is his problem to figure out a solution. 

He is totally out of line saying you are controlling etc. On the other hand video gaming as a hobby is one you could probably feel safer with than, say, going out drinking or whatever. So maybe if you can jointly figure out a way that he can keep playing that would be worth exploring.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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ThrivenotSurvive
anthro wrote:
You are not being unreasonable. What he is doing is probably completely harmless, but if it is setting off anxiety for you then he just has to work with that reality (the reality he created). 


I agree with Anthro - it is the context in which this scenario is happening that makes it an issue.  Had he never had an affair, he'd be pretty fair in saying that you might be overreacting.  However, he did - and your being triggered is the direct result of HIS actions.  So he needs to be willing and able to make you feel safe - whether that leads to discomfort on his part or not.  

In the very early days after DD, my husband and I had a few issues where something made me uncomfortable that didn't make sense to him.  In the most calm way I could, I explained that I saw his point and in the old world (pre-affair) I had thoroughly agreed.  I have never wanted to be in a relationship where I had to control or watch over my spouse.  I had freely given trust and had received it from him.  For decades that trust was well-placed and I didn't regret it. 

And the sad fact was - I still felt the same way - I still didn't want to be in a relationship that required me to be vigilant.  But that it was no longer about what happened in my head.  This wasn't a "conscious decision" to be upset or annoyed.  It was a visceral reaction.  It happened in my body and spirit.  I had PTSD symptoms from HIS affair that HE choose.  And when he did things that triggered those feelings - rational or not, it hurt me - deeply.  It made me relive trauma, feel fearful and most importantly, question my decision to remain.  

I explained that it was my hope someday that we would reach a point that these feelings wouldn't come up anymore.  That I would have healed enough and he would be able to prove his trustworthiness to a point where I no longer felt triggered.  But also said that I wasn't there yet and didn't know when I'd get there.  And every time I had to feel those waves of fear, it set me (and us) back and made me begin to worry whether we'd ever get through it. 

For whatever reason, this allowed him to see 1) that this had nothing to do with trying to control him and everything to do with keeping myself from feeling fear and pain 2) that it behooved him to make me feel safe.  Because when I started thinking I was never going to be able to relax in this relationship again, I started thinking about leaving - which he didn't want. 

I don't know if this will help you with your WH, but it might be worth a try (assuming it is how you feel).    
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
You’re not being unreasonable at all. I also was never controlling, and have no desire to be. I also never desired to be cheated on and destroyed, but here we are. So there are things that used to be ok, that are not anymore. It’s not my fault, and I won’t apologize for it, my wife can...  Those “things” have changed over time. There were a LOT of those things in the early days, not so many now, almost 4 years later. I told her there would be no more girls nights out, no more girls weekends away ever.  She does have girls nights with the neighborhood wives, they just got to a different house and drink wine, etc. I’m fine that now. BUT, if I got a bad vibe from any of them or her, I would stop it in a heartbeat. The most important thing I have done in my healing process is learning to trust myself again.  When she was betraying me, I felt it. I just didn’t know what it was.  So my gut was right. I have told my wife I will forever listen to my gut, over her words so she had better make d*mn sure make gut doesn’t pick up on anything. If it does, I’m gone. I won’t investigate, dig for proof, etc. I will be gone. 

Its not unlike any other “offender” in my mind. There are life long consequences, for both the offender, and the victim. A drug addict that is clean shouldn’t even be around drugs for any reason. A murderer that has done his time and gotten out of prison is never allowed to own a gun again. 

I would not be ok with my wife texting some other dude, video game or not. That would stop instantly, or I’d be gone. That very well may be innocent, and couldn’t care less. I would not have it for a second, ad if she pushed back about it, I would very likely push her right out the door. That screams that she doesn’t “get it”, and if she doesn’t get it, then I don’t want anything to do with her.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Skelling
I can see its a hard place for a WS to deal with the "oversensitive" feeling of the BS BUT as it was said before its not like we want to be like that. Its not fun to question everything and be overvigilant. What they got to understand is, that in our heads and body we struggle with going back in time replaying the whole situation, thinking if I had picked up on that, if I had seen this, if I only.....and somehow think we could have avoided the whole affair and its somehow our fault that we didn't because we didn't pay enough attention. So now we try not to do the same mistake again. I "overreact" when my husband adds new connections on linkedin, when he texts females to agree on a pickup for selling stuff on fb marketplace. He has a side job mending computers but he works for a guy and today he was on the phone (his private number) with a woman, whose computer he had. He only needed her to read back a code to him but that woman kept talking for a solid 15min wanting private lessons....I got upset and told him he should have hung up after he got the code but he felt that was rude. I don't care. Thats what got us in this in the first place, him being worried what others may think or how he may come across. Its a hard place for both and it takes both to get out of it. But it def takes empathy and willing from the WS to help the BS feel as safe as possible to then be able to loosen the grip.
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Greyes128
Thank you all so much. One thing we have both figured out since d day is that we are much calmer with sending notes or texts. So yesterday I sent him a text with how I feel and how this is just like what happened before and right around my birthday. He was thoughtful and said he loves me more than anything and would never jeopardize what we have again. I told him that it triggers me like crazy and he said he understands why now. So last night he picked up our favorite takeout and I asked him to show me the game so I can play with him instead. He’s thrilled. I have a side business with vinyl and custom orders and he’s gotten into helping me out and learning what makes me happy. so I am compromising and playing this game with him. I think this will be good for us. We will see.
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ABurris105
That is what I was going to suggest-that you try and join him in the game. If it were me, my concern wouldn’t be my husband looking for something bc he has worked so hard to show me he is committed to us.  I would be more concerned about the other woman’s intentions.  Even if she wasn’t interested in my husband romantically, there is still an element of fun there that I would want him to share with me-not another woman.  So, you try it and you may have more fun than you think and your and your husband’s relationship is boosted, or he may realize that he has more fun with you than others and that leads to other games or hobbies you can do together and the time with friends is proportionate and not taking the place of your relationship together. 
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Greyes128
ABurris105 wrote:
That is what I was going to suggest-that you try and join him in the game. If it were me, my concern wouldn’t be my husband looking for something bc he has worked so hard to show me he is committed to us.  I would be more concerned about the other woman’s intentions.  Even if she wasn’t interested in my husband romantically, there is still an element of fun there that I would want him to share with me-not another woman.  So, you try it and you may have more fun than you think and your and your husband’s relationship is boosted, or he may realize that he has more fun with you than others and that leads to other games or hobbies you can do together and the time with friends is proportionate and not taking the place of your relationship together. 


That is exactly what I was thinking!!! So all morning I’ve been on it trying to learn so when he comes home I can show him lol! He’s been so excited about trying to get me into this with him. He said in our 31 years together you haven’t been interested in video games. Not true though because I loved the old Atari games as a kid😊. However the newer games he’s right, so I’m giving it a shot. 
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ABurris105
Good for you!! And good luck🙂
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Skelling
Good for you. I think my husband would be over the moon, if I joined him in computer games but apart from the old worms game (I know really old), I didn't play anything. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
I am so happy to hear this!  Good for you both!
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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