Edge8150
My UW wife are separating. She said she is still ambivalent and cannot stop contact with AP. She says she wants to move out and work on herself to try and find clarity.  I have provider her with my boundaries of:
1) She must cut contact with AP
2) she must be 100% committed to the marriage and healing or there is no returning.

However, we have kids and she wants to come over to the house and spend tine with our three kids (ages 12-15); have dinner and then say good night...she will then leave and go to her apt. i am in a dilemma...I do not like this plan at all or know how to handle but I also cannot deny her time with kids....any suggestions on boundaries when kids are involved? how to handle this, what is appropriate and fair? 
male BS, 10 months post dday
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Vanessa
She chose herself over her kids so yes, she will loose time with them as a natural and just consequence of her actions.
Please do not let her invade your safe space and drop by to play happy family.  She can have the kids  come by her place after school a couple of days a week, or see then on alternating weekends, she can take them out to dinner every tuesday - what she should not be able to do is come into your home - the home that she CHOSE to leave to spend time with her AP to "have her cake and eat it too"

You are very correct in setting up some boundaries.
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anthro
I agree with Vanessa. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Fionarob
Although I do agree with the above replies to some extent, I did actually allow my ex husband do exactly what your wife is asking for.  I let him come back and visit our children in the family home, sometimes he would bring food with him and cook something for them all and I let him, sometimes they would go down to the local park and then come back with dinner etc.  Many times I would leave and go to a friend, or just keep myself to myself in another part of the house.

Why did I do it?? For my children, pure and simple.  I didn't particularly like it, but I did it for them.  I still allow the same situation and it's three years since he left.  Some people find it too difficult to remove their own pain and anger from the situation and just look at what will be best for the children, but I always put them first and I think it helped them adjust to their new life more easily.  Obviously, we also have the usual arrangement where they go and stay with him every other weekend, but if he wants to see them during the week then I am happy for him to come here.  Because he lives 40 minutes away it just wouldn't be so practical to take them to his place after school and bring them back again, half their time would be spent in the car.

It's not clear from your post if your wife is asking to do this every day??  I think that would be a bit much....but a couple of days a week is OK.  Most importantly, how do you think your children feel about it?  Would it be better for them to allow this, how will they handle it??  Also, my children were younger at the time - 7 and 9, so maybe it worked better for them at that age.

If you can, and I know it's really difficult, try and take a step back and think if this is going to benefit your children.  Don't look at it as doing your wife a favour, look at what will be best for the children during this very difficult time.
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Keepabuzz
I agree with Vanessa. She chose to leave the home and separate. That is no longer “her” home. It is “your” home.  I’m not saying I wouldn’t allow her to ever cross the threshold, but she would not be coming over to play happy family for a few ours and then go back to her apartment where she will most likely be playing single woman dating with her AP.  I agree that doing what is best for the kids is important, my kids are the only reason I gave my wife the second chance she didn’t deserve, BUT you have to take care of you too. Separation is normally called “trial” separation. This is because 2 people are trying out living apart and separating their lives. Part of that is losing time with the children. Your wife’s time with the children and where she spends that time with the children should be no different than if you were fully divorced. Every other weekend, dinner on Tuesdays, whatever, but not in “your” home. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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surviving
I agree with everyone above.  I would like to add that in no way would YOU be paying for her dinner.  She lost that privilege when she chose to leave.  That is my opinion, but that is what I would do if I were in your shoes.  She would also be making the plans, doing the pick up or bringing the children home, all on YOUR terms.  
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JORGE
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She says she wants to move out and work on herself to try and find clarity
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Translation: She wants to have a full unobstructed emotional and physical affair with her boyfriend, while you wait for her to "decide" what she wants to do. Not acceptable!!!!!!
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2) she must be 100% committed to the marriage and healing or there is no returning.

I recommend spelling out exactly what 100% commitment looks like to remove any misunderstanding or lack of clarity on her part. You define it, not her BTW.
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she wants to come over to the house and spend tine with our three kids (ages 12-15); have dinner and then say good night...she will then leave and go to her apt.
 
Hell no! Absolutely, positively not. In or out. The fact that she's WILLING to compromise the stability of her kids to pursue an extramarital relationship is telling 

Consider filing for divorce. You can always retract it should she come around. But the egregiousness of her infidelity suggests she's deeply into the affair as evidenced by her stating she can't/won't end it, and  wanting to move out and be a part-time mother. She's determined to see what this new relationship can bring and therefore has zero or little interest in the damage to you and the family. 

Best to get you and your kids OUT OF INFIDELITY asap while her life spirals out of control. You and the family need not partake in the rollercoaster that's just taking off. This ride may/will be a long and painful, where she may be incapable of getting off even if she wanted to Very few WS go cold turkey with their affair partners. They often try, 2,3,4 times over weeks,months and sometimes years before they're able to overcome their demons.

You want you and the kids to stay distanced from that cycle. Again, she's oblivious or uncaring about consequences rendered upon you and the family. Her interests are only for herself, so you have to do the same thing and only care for you and the kids at this point. Can't save the marriage if you don't have a wife capable and willing to remain married. 
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HangingOn
I agree with Vanessa 100%.  Mainly as it sounds as if she really hasn’t come out of the fog to see the reality of this mess.
Fionarob makes a good point too.  

Your kids are at a very vulnerable age for relationship modeling and sexual value development and I think that is huge.  They don’t need tucked in and kissed good night, they need to see trust, commitment, honor, respect and honesty within a partner relationship.

I don’t have children but I don’t know you can’t shield them from the sharp realities of this ugliness either.  I grew up as one of those kids and I learned some pretty unhealthy patterns.  Cause and effect was always blurred as my parents tried to “do what was right for the kids”.  I would have given anything to see a loving marriage with healthy boundaries.  Understood the truth of all of what was going on around me.  I hate being lied to or shielded from reality to this day.  The attempts to “protect” aren’t honest and when they mature and understand this, they get to carry some of the guilt for their unhappy parents.  Own your stuff and show them how to deal with it in healthy, kind and responsible way. Give that to your kids...please.  The damage is done.
As for your wife, set up a schedule for her time with her children.  Her place in the happy home is on hold as long as she chooses not to cherish it.
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ThrivenotSurvive
HangingOn wrote:

I grew up as one of those kids and I learned some pretty unhealthy patterns.  Cause and effect was always blurred as my parents tried to “do what was right for the kids”.  I would have given anything to see a loving marriage with healthy boundaries.  Understood the truth of all of what was going on around me.  I hate being lied to or shielded from reality to this day.  The attempts to “protect” aren’t honest and when they mature and understand this, they get to carry some of the guilt for their unhappy parents.  Own your stuff and show them how to deal with it in healthy, kind and responsible way. Give that to your kids...please.  The damage is done.


This is very, very true.  It is hard to figure out how much kids should know based on their ages, etc. but hiding everything does as much damage from what I've seen as parents telling too much.  When my daughter was middle school we went through a devastating business failure and her Dad had a very serious cancer scare.  We tried to shield her from as much as possible.  We thought we were being good parent.  Unfortunately she sensed the undercurrents - the disappointment, shame, fear and desperation - but had no context or reason for it - so like kids do... she decided it must have something to do with her.  

It wasn't until years later when our "perfect" daughter developed a serious eating disorder that she (and we) realized how much she had internalized during that time.  If we had been more open and honest with her about what was happening, it could have led us to grow closer and more supportive of one another.  But our approach ended up creating a facade that was built of a vague sense of distrust for her... she knew that we loved her - but she also knew we were not always being honest. 

So while I think you have to tread carefully to share in an age-appropriate way - pretending for the kid's sake never works long term.  

As for the visitation boundaries - this is hard.  The best thing to do is take your WW out of the equation - she's already put her needs first before her kids.  Try not to the same in your pain and anger.  Decide what would be best for the kids.  And then act on that - whether it benefits or hurts your wife. 

If you put their interests first, you won't regret it - not in the long run.  They will be grateful later in life for not putting them in the middle and having to chose sides.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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