tosharri
I hate to post stuff like this but I don't know where else to go to vent how I feel...I'm hoping someone can help me find a path I can climb my way out of the dark foggy pit into which I feel I've fallen.

So much has happened….so much pain and loss in my life I’m not sure I even know the path to get myself back.  I’m at a point that I don’t know if I can ever sustain a relationship where I can fully give my trust to anyone.  I don’t feel like the person I’ve become is ever going to be enough to keep anyone in my life - I see now where single mothers just decide its easier and safer to focus on their kids and just eliminate the messiness of trying to maintain a relationship to keep sane.  I’ve been dating someone and now has lived with me for almost a year. I feel he wants more from me now than I’m feeling safe to provide. I’ve asked that we get counseling and get help and he says he will look but I hear nothing after that. When I bring it up again he just gets sensitive and hurt.  I’m tired of pretending to be OK...I’m tired of running constantly doing things for other people when I have so much to do to get my household together and just spending time with my girls and taking care of them. My mind sometimes goes in the direction that the only way I can work toward getting these things done is to move on from him but I’m not sure I want that.   He has a big heart and works hard, and we do have a lot in common and can have a lot of fun together...I wonder sometime if in his mind that the relationship has gone stale and we’re in cruise control so he’s focusing on everyone else and then just lumping me in with what he thinks he should be doing...going through the motions helping with the kids and basic things around the house but after a year living with me, has really not made much ground with helping me get through the mess of my house or my mom’s things (which I desperately need to sell and get gone).  I am falling behind now at work and bring work home but with all our other projects (both old and new ones) take precedence and I get nothing done. Tonight is usually when we are together at the pool, kind of a ‘club social’ thing but also skills practice. I elected to stay home because I just didn’t have the energy or the desire to pretend I’m ‘up’ because I’m not. I really should be working but I needed to write something down to get it out of my head. My older daughter is flying home from being with my mom in Florida and I pick her up in an hour. I’m kind of looking forward to seeing her but she can be a challenge as well so add that as a potential stressor.  Wondering if I’ll ever get to a point I can just relax and be happy without someone expecting me to perform...I am really insecure...I feel overweight, unattractive, unproductive, undesireable, as if there’s nothing really that I have to give that someone would want. Just a big old lump of damaged baggage. I’d bet I would be diagnosed with depression and I already know I have anxiety issues...I need help. I’ve tried Christian counseling but the last woman I worked with just thought I was crazy even staying in the relationship after what’s happened. I don’t know what to do, but I’m looking around and thinking really that no one even cares that I’m here or wonders if I’m OK.  My kids make me feel loved but they’re so focused on their own needs the hugs and affection they give to me is fleeting and only sustains me for a little bit at a time before they again focus on their own wants and desires. When will someone notice that I’m not OK? I even tell my bf that I’m not OK and that I need help and he almost acts like I’m overreacting or just tells me to go get a massage.
Female BS Most Recent DDay Mar 2017 (prev marriage Ddays Apr 1995, Apr 2009 and Oct 2014)...can't say I didn't try to stick it out and make it work
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ThrivenotSurvive
Did you get any kind of counseling or do any self-directed healing work after the infidelities in your marriage?  I fear you are still feeling the effects of PTSD from back then and this most recent situation has only exacerbated it.  

Betrayal blows a hole in our self-confidence.  If we do not take decisive action to rebuild ourselves with a focus on self-acceptance and self-love - it follows us from relationship to relationship thereafter coloring EVERYTHING.  It doesn't allow us to see anything clearly - we could be treated well and still feel suspicious, we could be treated like crap and feel like it's what we deserve.  

Which is why I'd put making any decisions about your current relationship on hold unless he's being physically or emotionally abusive. 

Focus instead on YOU.  I'd get counseling if I could... but if you can't, you will need to start reading books about healing your self-identity (I have a few favorites, if interested PM me).  And every time the negative self-talk comes up (I'm overweight, I'm unattractive - STOP).  Choose to talk to yourself like you would one of your kids - be encouraging, be loving, be kind.  

If you slide into the dark place for a bit - give yourself a break - we all do from time to time.  But then lovingly, gently pull yourself back.  You deserve more.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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anthro
Sometimes I find I have to step back and break things down into smaller pieces, otherwise it is just too much. You know, if I were in a fairy tale and Rumpelstiltskin wanted me to do 1000 jigsaw puzzles, that would look impossible, but if I just took one jigsaw puzzle, I could manage that. 

You only have so many hours and minutes in each day and you only have so much energy to give and that is just a human limit that needs to be acknowledged. 

So. Your boyfriend sounds okay. It may be that he would like a little more fun and a little less of a to-do list; well, so would you. So would I for that matter. I think you could tell him that you would like to be able to relax more but there are some mountains to move first. Also, no harm in getting a massage 🙂

As for those mountains. I once got some really good advice: do not put off until tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today.

Is your mother's stuff valuable? I assume there's some stuff that is priceless, sentimentally. So put that aside. The rest needs to be disposed of, so it's just a case of donating x% of it and selling y% of it. You could let someone (maybe your daughter?) have 10% of whatever she gets on ebay for it. 

Can you outsource any of the other stuff? A big spring clean of the house is kind of a working bee thing, everyone who lives there can set aside three or four weekend mornings and get it done. 

I have many times fallen into despair at the sheer scale of all the carp I have to get done. So much carp. Even without all the stress of post-affair mental ill-health, it can be hard to face all the adult responsibilities we have. Do not tihink you are failing because you feel overwhelmed and helpless. It's well within the range of holes really great people can stumble into.

Thinking about your boyfriend - maybe he'll let you down, but I suspect he just doesn't know what help you need or quite what to do with "I'm not okay." If he is like a lot of us, he is totally happy to get called upon to be hands-on with a specific problem. You could ask him to (say) help you make a plan to deal with your mom's stuff. Like, a list of tasks and who will do each of those tasks. Same with the mess around your house. I'd try that.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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BorealJ
tosharri wrote:
 I’m at a point that I don’t know if I can ever sustain a relationship where I can fully give my trust to anyone.
That's a place most of us visit for quite a while.  It spreads well beyond romantic relationships to other friendships, family, work/business, and even social systems designed to take care of us.  We don't advocate for our needs because we are scared of the answer and what that says about us.  And every answer sounds like we're not worthy in some form or another.  But we are worthy and if someone is unable to respond to our needs, it's not at all because of us or our worthiness, it's simply because they have their own to tend to at the moment.  And they may appear to be okay, but they're probably struggling to keep up with life as well.  In these moments, we have a desire to be independent because that is safest in our minds.  But that's the time when we are in danger of taking on too much ourselves.  If you are going to learn to trust again, these times are the opportunities.  It's a choice to be vulnerable when you reach out for someone.  One that is scary but comes with great reward.  Most people will respond in the best way they can.  You reached out here and got thoughtful, caring responses.  That is because people care. 
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tosharri
anthro wrote:
Sometimes I find I have to step back and break things down into smaller pieces, otherwise it is just too much. You know, if I were in a fairy tale and Rumpelstiltskin wanted me to do 1000 jigsaw puzzles, that would look impossible, but if I just took one jigsaw puzzle, I could manage that. 

You only have so many hours and minutes in each day and you only have so much energy to give and that is just a human limit that needs to be acknowledged. 

I have many times fallen into despair at the sheer scale of all the carp I have to get done. So much carp. Even without all the stress of post-affair mental ill-health, it can be hard to face all the adult responsibilities we have. Do not tihink you are failing because you feel overwhelmed and helpless. It's well within the range of holes really great people can stumble into.


Thank you for the reassurance that I'm not completely losing it because I still feel like I'm sliding down a very slippery slope.  I long to have a little more traction but Its going to be a while.   And btw....I'm glad you're back on the forum for completely selfish reasons 🙂  I will post an update soon but I do hope to get help...just found out the founder of this website is actually moving his practice close to where I live (a God-send for sure).  I've already reached out.  I know I need help...just never seems to come as quick as I hope it would...
Female BS Most Recent DDay Mar 2017 (prev marriage Ddays Apr 1995, Apr 2009 and Oct 2014)...can't say I didn't try to stick it out and make it work
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