Processing4Growth Show full post »
Hi Processing4Growth, 

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. Unfortunately, going through the up and down emotions is part of the process. I still have a lot of questions for my ex, but even if I got the answers, I realize nothing will ever make me feel better. I wanted kids from the moment we married, and medical circumstances on his part made it difficult. My sister has four kids and being around them reminds me how much I still want a family, and your right, those hugs do give you energy. I tried fighting for my marriage like you, I didn't want to let go. He was a WS and did come back to me, but after the AP cheated on him. I believed he thought the grass was greener, but many people don't realize, is that all relationships take work, and they begin in the honeymoon stage. I know now I did the best I could, there is a book I read where the author said she could have been "Marilyn Monroe and Mother Teresa rolled into one", and she still would not have been good enough for her spouse. I realized my husband was selfish and had insecurities, maybe your wife is missing something and looking for someone to fill that void, instead of finding it in herself. In the end she is going to have to face her demons, and she can only run from her problems for so long. The WS will try to justify or convince themselves that their affair was worth it, sometimes to make themselves feel better, and sometimes they are even unsure of their own choices. I remember my therapist saying you guys were together for many years, and that it takes a while for both to get used to living separately, even if the other person decided to leave. She also has someone right now, so it's easier for her to say all those things to you. When my ex came back, he wasn't as confident. It is unfair and selfish for her to be asking you to be happy for her. It's unfortunate that after all the pain they caused, they continue to put salt in the wound. 
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Processing4Growth wrote:
I can't even piece together how that might be something someone could reasonably expect anyone to support much less the person on the other side of that equation. It just makes my head hurt.

It's a self-centered perspective, and there will be little empathy for you. She's set on a course and nothing you can say or do is likely to make her understand your experience and perspective in this. I hope that someday you'll hear something different from her... a more sincere regret for the price you had to pay for this.

Two days ago, I received a call from a client who had come in with his wife nearly 3 years ago. At the time, he was not really very remorseful about his affair and, I believed, not entirely honest about what was going on. He, like your wife, showed little empathy for his spouse. They ended up divorcing. But after all this time, he called to apologize to me for lying during the counseling process.

He's returned to a more honest perspective. Too late to save his marriage (which he regrets), but I'm sure his ex still benefits from healing that comes from his expressions of remorse. I hope you will, too, someday. But you'll have to figure out how to move toward healing without her.

Ugh. I'm sorry.
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Thanks everyone for your replies. They were helpful. Even after reading/learning about affairs in such great detail, I still get shocked by somethings when they actually happen in front of me. Thanks again everyone for the insights and thoughts.
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Sorry to hear of your pain. I said a prayer for you.
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