My long story. In 2010 I caught my WH texting another women. We had major fights and he agreed to cut contact. I told him if I found out he broke the NC we would divorce. A deal breaker for me.
Fast forward to 2 months ago...and I found emails by accident. Full proof of his long distance affair that lasted from 2013 to 2016. After weeks and weeks of trickle truth, I now feel I know the basics. In 2013 at a work conference they got drunk and he “woke up” naked in bed with her but doesn’t remember if they sex. I am not stupid. It progressed to phone calls, texting, emails. He swears they never had sex again until 2016. He planned a weekend vacation for themselves under the guise of another conference. He initiated all of it. During their weekend away, he told me he felt he didn’t have chemistry with her and “it just wasn’t right for him”. He says there was NC since then and no official breakup, they just never spoke again. He deleted all of his personal emails to her so I didn’t not have a chance to read any of them. I found flight information and hotel reservations to confirm the weekend trip in his work emails.
I do know they fully intended to continue the affair before the weekend trip but he says it was such a disaster for him that he changed his mind and never spoke to her again. His AP was married and was a serial cheater...she knew he was married with young children.
In 2018 he was diagnosed with cancer....he has only a few month left to live. And I just found out about this affair and all of the lies for so many years.
He is consumed with fear over the cancer and the affair is somewhat in the backseat for him. It is the only thing on my mind. Why? Details? I have had multiple panic attacks, I cry all the time, I don’t recognize myself anymore. I now have full access to his devices. In hindsight I definitely saw signs and felt him disconnected from me during the affair. He consistently has call it a friendship...but now realizes it was an affair. He says she listened to him, and he felt he has never been good enough for me and if he had told me of his feelings back in 2013 that I would have left him. Not true of course.
I have to tell my kids this week of his prognosis. I am already heartbroken over the affair. I have chosen to stay with him because of his illness....but we have many times in the past 2 months where he almost left. He begged me not to tell his family but I choose to tell my sister in laws as they are like sisters to me.
I believe he feel shame and remorse, but he says he never intended to ever tell me of the affair and wishes I never found out because it was easier for him to live with guilt than face the consequences of the affair.
My marriage feels like a lie. I can’t look at our family photos because I now know of the affair. This is very painful for me. I can’t stop the mental movies of them having sex. Last night I wrote a list of my unanswered questions (it’s pages long) for him to write out the answers. To help me try to move on from this. We are both in IC and have a MC session next week.
I just need a place to vent and need any advice of support from those who have chosen to reconcile. We are not divorcing. I need to keep our family whole because of the cancer and limited time. How do I fast forward my healing? I don’t have years only months.