Heartbroken2015

My husband asked for a separation (to me totally out of the blue) in April 2015.   We discussed the possibility and he always kept saying I didn't love him anymore even though I tried to reassure him this was not the case at all.   He worked long hours, our 5yr old is very high energy, I worked full time and was going to school part time.  So our "us" time was very limited.  I kept telling him he needed to help out around the house and with our son but he felt it was my "job" (his words not mine).  So over the next few weeks/month he became more distant and would totally ignore both of us (walking in other room and sleeping downstairs etc).   So I moved out end of June.

We went to couples counseling and he just kept saying he didn't feel loved by me, no matter what I said or did.   I am a very affectionate person and he is totally opposite (no hugging unless I initiate)..so I worked with our councilor to find what affection he needed in order to feel loved.   Both the councillor and myself asked him if there was someone else...he angrily protested NO - ABSOLUTELY NOT!  He just kept saying my being busy taking care of the house and son, he felt unloved and that I didn't want to be with him.  I kept trying to say why would I go to councilling to reconcile when I was already settled away from him, if that is what I wanted.

End of September we decided I should return home (the whole time we shared custody 50/50 and never argued over that about our son..we actually never argued over anything).   I had been staying at our home on weekends and 1-2x a week for about a month to ease the transition for everyone including our son.  On Sept 29th the day before I was to give notice at my apt and move home the following week...he kissed me goodbye to go to work and said he was so happy that we were working on our marriage.  He said it felt like a new start for us and loved me so much.   He got outside to drive to work and a FB message pops up on his computer.  He was messaging another woman in his truck in our driveway...wanting to meet up to kiss before work.   I WAS SICK!  I felt like I was going to faint and felt like my world fell apart.

I joined the message and probably said a few choice words..but I told him it was over and I wouldn't be moving home.   He rushed back home to talk to me.  I was so upset but couldn't say anything as I was still getting our son ready for school.   So long story short, I did not return home and we are still separated.   At first he told me it was just talking on FB but then he confessed in November that they had sex (he says only 1x).  I feel there is still more that he is not telling me and trying to minimize the relationship he had with her.  He said he only dated her as he didn't think I was coming home.  The messages went as far back as July and the whole time I was coming home on the weekends to work on our marriage he was telling her I was dropping in to fight with him over custody etc...all lies.

He has made many changes as far as I can see to being supportive with our son, he has never let him down and continues to share custody & care of him 50/50.   Before he wouldn't even spend 10mins with him alone and now takes him for an entire weekend.  He use to complain about my school work and now has shown support there too.  So I see him making changes.

My worry is there are more lies that he is hiding...I don't want to do it to our son again, he thought we were getting back together in Sept and then we didn't.  He broke down crying at school [frown] he is only 5 and this broke my heart.  We sought him councilling and his therapist says he is doing well and she doesn't think he is as upset as he originally was but its obvious he wants Mommy & Daddy back together.

When I think of reconciling I go to a bad place...think about the affair, all the lies, what life would be like (i.e.: would I continue to be jealous and what about our sex life, will I imagine him with her).   When I think about a life apart, I feel better for myself but worse for my son.   

I'm torn...but don't want to have an unhappy home nor do I want to reconcile for the wrong reasons.  I felt in Nov/Dec so hurt as I loved him so, but now I feel more like how could he do that to me when I loved him so much - so I wonder if my love for him is fading.

SORRY SO LONG [smile]

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Kalmarjan
Heartbroken2015, welcome, but sorry to see you here. (Man, that's almost like an AA greeting or something.)

I hope the community here gives you a lot of clarity. Ther are a lot of great resources to be had in the Free resources section, be sure to check that out.
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Heartbroken2015

Thank you for the Welcome Kalmarjan.   I have only been on the forum a short while and already feel the support!  As awful as all our situations are it's good to have those around you who know what your going through.  Since I am on the fence about reconciliation and 50% family/friends are for or against I don't feel I can express myself to them.   

I started looking at the resources...thank you [smile]

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