tosharri
Hi...I don't post a lot but believe me I'm still around and scouring the boards looking for some magic solution to the sadness I feel fairly consistently.  I am not married to the one who betrayed me this time but for the past four years have been in a serious, what I thought was blissful and monogamous relationship.  Our D-Day was March 2017, when I received a message from a woman whom informed me she had been in a serious relationship with my (WBF) for almost a year.  She 'found out' about me and ended it and felt since she knew all about me (but he told her we were 'friends') and that I was somehow a kindred spirit to her that she had to tell me to save me from him.  My previous and only marriage ended after over 20 years pretty much the same way.  He KNEW that I'd been through that with my ex...and yet he did it to me.  

I was ready to end the relationship right then and there but I loved him and resented him at the same time.  My heart and spirit were broken and a shaken faith in love was destroyed.  I don't even view myself as valuable anymore.  He immediately apologized and swore he wanted me and only me and would do anything to keep me.  He admitted he was a sex addict and that he was not proud of it.  After a few weeks of only phone conversations I agreed to see him to talk because I wanted answers.  He admitted that in the short time we were together that he had been with not only the one, but a total of three women...one of which he had been seeing longer than me (but she also was married and knew about me).  I was devastated not only because I trusted him but that I was completely clueless to all of it.  I'm no spring chicken but love absolutely blinded me and I felt (feel) like an idiot.  He started attending weekly SAA meetings and going to church...I still loved him so we have stayed in the relationship but I have never shaken the fear.

Since D-Day I not only lost my self esteem but lost a job and was unemployed for nearly a year and didn't feel I was worth anyone's time.  Fortunately I live frugally and could survive for that time on savings and unemployment.  A few months ago I felt well enough to throw my hat back into the professional world.  I have been blessed to have a wonderful job and am starting to get my confidence back, at least professionally.

I still trigger quite a bit, and there are nights where I just wail and cry because I'm so scared that I don't know everything and that he might be doing something again.  He still attends SAA fairly frequently and we talk a lot more than we ever did before D-Day.  I....still....cannot....shake....my paranoia that he's not told me everything.

We are both on Facebook...but we live quite a distance apart.  I know he does not live with anyone else but that doesn't shake my fear that he could still be seeing someone, or even 'hooking up' if the opportunity arises.  I don't see this as his nature, but I didn't before the discovery.  As long as i've known him he has always been a flirt.  I do not know most of the people he works with and I do not know many of his friends whom live around him but there really isn't a long period of time where we don't speak to where I think he would be able to manage anything substantial without me knowing about it (I completely admit its possible however).   Since D-Day I have become UBER sensitive to whom responds and/or 'likes' his facebook posts, and I've even combed through the friends he has on facebook....there are a lot of single pretty women that he is friends with.  Too many for me to be comfortable with.  

So here...after a long winded story...is my ridiculous idea.  Next time we are together I thought about asking him to go through his FB friends and if I had a question about any of them, he needed to tell me how he knew them and if I wasn't happy with the response, ask him to unfriend them.  I know its just a gesture but I just have a hunch that he hasn't been full disclosure with me yet.  I think he knows how devastating it was to our relationship for me to find out about the few that more would make me want to end it for sure.  At this point its all on the honor system anyway so he could completely make something up for all I know.  In one way I feel like it would be a futile effort but on another, I would be able to read his body language and know how truthful he really wants to be.

I'd love to hear your thoughts...and yes, I know...I'm not married to him...so I could just move on but I don't work that way.
Female BS Most Recent DDay Mar 2017 (prev marriage Ddays Apr 1995, Apr 2009 and Oct 2014)...can't say I didn't try to stick it out and make it work
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arizons
Hi tosharri,

Betrayal is betrayal... and regardless if you are married to them or not... the devastation and hurt are all the same.

As far as leaving or staying with him, only you can decide that. Belive me, I could and probably should have kicked my husband to the curb and not a soul would have blamed me....But at the end of the say... the heart wants what it wants... am I right?
  You certainly don't and should not make any rash choices... whatever you decided... whatever amount of time it takes... is up to you. Only you will know.
   I agree with you. If he truly wants a relationship with you, it has to be rebuilt on honestly and transparency. Also, his reaction... also help you decide... one way or another.

I am sorry your going through this pain again.... or even once for that matter.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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hurting
Arizons is right... betrayal is betrayal.

Tbh I don’t think it’s neurotic to go through all his FB friends with him. BUT I do suspect that it won’t help. Why? Because cheaters are accomplished liars. He will just as easily tell you to your face that they’re ‘just friends’. I would be very careful about getting a false sense of security from doing this. Rather, I would say you need the passwords for all his accounts. And even then... he could have any number of accounts that you don’t even know about. 

Pretty sure I sound a whole lot more neurotic than you do. Sadly, it’s all from personal experience. 
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tosharri
Thanks hurting...yeah, my technical mind has already gone through the scenario that any demand could be diverted or worked around with either secret accounts or playing off.  Even now I can't shake that he hasn't told me everything.  We are still together and everything looks good on the surface and even when its just he and I but its hard to me to let go and just believe its real.  I still cannot vocalize 'I love you' even though he tells me over and over...as a matter of fact I almost feel he does it to compel me, 'guilt' me into reciprocating.  He tells me he wishes I would believe him...but I don't know what magic combination of words or actions would help me break through this fear.
Female BS Most Recent DDay Mar 2017 (prev marriage Ddays Apr 1995, Apr 2009 and Oct 2014)...can't say I didn't try to stick it out and make it work
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