member87
Not sure if im posting this in the right area.

Here goes...we just had our 10th anniversary in October of 2015. So, we are approaching 11 years. In the 10 years of marriage, I have been unfaithful 5 times. 2 physical affairs and 3 internet affairs. This last one was horrific because it was with his best friend. This last affair was almost 2 years ago but it still feels like it was just discovered hours ago. My husband has never gotten true healing and has become bitter more and more each time. And rightly so. I believe this last affair was very different for me because it affected everyone and everything around me.  I'm just done with that life now because its been so very exhausting. We just separated a week ago and don't talk much. Theres only a few people that know about our separation and that's only family. We are trying to keep everything normal still because of our kids. 6,5, and 8 month old. I think hes not sure what he wants to do. One day he wants it to work and the next day hes not sure. I feel like he needs happiness again in his life and I want him to do whats best for him now. But I am also very sad by this. We both are at eachothers throats almost daily so this separation has been kind of good for us.

I might add that we still see this couple at least 3x a week at church and I have communication with the wife still since there daughter is my daughters best friend. But I feel like everytime we see them, the wound opens back up again. Its so depressing to be at church but our pastor wants us all to just work it out and stay.

Things have gotten so bad between my husband and I, that everything I do becomes related to cheating. If I park on the wrong side of garage and my husband cant get in very well, he says im doing it on purpose. I also have a very bad memory and I forget a lot of things. He also gets very angry with me and says I don't do anything he says. Its become so miserable for both of us. He hurts, and I know that. I wish I can fix everything but I feel like its too late now.

I feel like I left out over an abundance of things out, but my mind is all over the place. I cant think straight.
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TimT
member87 wrote:
...I might add that we still see this couple at least 3x a week at church and I have communication with the wife still since there daughter is my daughters best friend. But I feel like everytime we see them, the wound opens back up again. Its so depressing to be at church but our pastor wants us all to just work it out and stay...

Thank you for posting your story, m87. You will find reaction from a few who have been in a similar place as you and from many who have been wounded by spouses who made choices like yours. My hope is that we can all learn from each other in a context of graceful honesty.

I want to comment on your pastor's desire for you all to stay together in the same church. While I commend the hope for a kind of healing and restoration that is complete and even forgives wounds 7x70 times, I honestly believe this scenario is likely to be damaging for all of you. My counsel to churches when an affair has happened between two members is to encourage a structure in which healing can happen in a safe environment away from each other. This has got to be painful for everyone involved.

In large churches with multiple services or locations, this can sometimes be accomplished by a mediator who helps each family come to an agreement about when they will participate in services that are not back-to-back in the same place so there is no chance of encountering each other. In smaller churches, unfortunately, it often means that one family should be encouraged to attend another church for as long as it takes for stability to be realized. THEN you can make a determination about whether to be part of the same congregation again.

If you would like, you are welcome to give your pastor my contact information and I would be happy to communicate with him via email or phone. I work with a number of local churches in helping bring healing to marriages wounded by affairs.

Tim Tedder
tim@currentscounseling.com
(407) 796-8070
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UrbanExplorer
I can relate somewhat to your story. I am married and had a friendship turned emotional and physical affair with a married man whose family is part of the same Catholic parish and school as mine. We are 4 months out from DDay, and I do not know yet if my marriage is going to continue, but the other couple is divorcing.

In my case, we are leaving the parish and school at the end of the school year. The other man's wife is waging an all out war on me and harassing my husband on the school grounds when he picks up the children. Avoiding her has not been enough to make it stop, so I think it is best to take a more drastic step even though the kids will not be happy.

Hang in there.
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member87
TimT wrote:

Thank you for posting your story, m87. You will find reaction from a few who have been in a similar place as you and from many who have been wounded by spouses who made choices like yours. My hope is that we can all learn from each other in a context of graceful honesty.

I want to comment on your pastor's desire for you all to stay together in the same church. While I commend the hope for a kind of healing and restoration that is complete and even forgives wounds 7x70 times, I honestly believe this scenario is likely to be damaging for all of you. My counsel to churches when an affair has happened between two members is to encourage a structure in which healing can happen in a safe environment away from each other. This has got to be painful for everyone involved.

In large churches with multiple services or locations, this can sometimes be accomplished by a mediator who helps each family come to an agreement about when they will participate in services that are not back-to-back in the same place so there is no chance of encountering each other. In smaller churches, unfortunately, it often means that one family should be encouraged to attend another church for as long as it takes for stability to be realized. THEN you can make a determination about whether to be part of the same congregation again.

If you would like, you are welcome to give your pastor my contact information and I would be happy to communicate with him via email or phone. I work with a number of local churches in helping bring healing to marriages wounded by affairs.

Tim Tedder
tim@currentscounseling.com
(407) 796-8070



Thanks Tim.

Our church runs around 1500 people but we sit on the same side. I believe the other party have moved on. As far as us...well...look at us, we are separated. I just don't know if I should keep holding on? Or let it go. Or just wait. I feel so lost and I have no one to talk to. I can't even reach out to my friends.
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Sandy2000

Have you sought any counselling for yourself? This can help to find out why you have cheated 5 times.  Whether it is for :

attention
validation
ego boosts

Whatever the reasons, individual counselling is a very useful tool.

It can also help you work through your feelings and decide what you really want out of a relationship/marriage. To decide if you want this marriage.  To determine if you love your husband, what it is that you love about him? can you be sure not to cheat again? decide if you want something else out of life that you can't get in the marriage, or whether ultimately monogamy is just not for you. What is missing in your marriage that makes you do this?

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