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Trinity
tryingtomoveforward, I always cry when I read the stories of the betrayed on this forum because we share the depths of pain.  On the other hand it sure is a comfort and a blessing having a place to go where we have friends that can relate and help.

I am only 6 months out of Dday and I (of course) struggle however, it is getting less and less every day.  I know, for me, trust is a big issue and it seems that you are in the same boat.  The only difference is that my husband lives in another state (Military) we are 800 miles apart most of the time and having that trust broken really makes things difficult.  I too struggle with the "if" and questions that I will never have answered, and probably don't want answered but I do think it is very possible to let go.

I can only tell you how I see my situation and what I have done to keep moving forward.  Forgiveness is #1, and it is a hard one and very personal, but I forgave him, her and myself.  AND it is always good to mention, forgiveness does not mean what that person did was OK, and forgiveness is not for anyone else but yourself but to forgive opens the door to healing. 

Unanswered questions, well honestly, will having those answers really help you heal or make things worse and give you more things to fret about? I do not know everything about my husbands cheating but I know the important stuff, first and foremost that HE CHEATED everything else is nonsense to me.  I also do not know if my husband is being honest with me but, in the grand picture of a reconciled marriage it is ME that has to make the decision to believe and trust him.  

YES it is very, very hard to completely let go of the hurt and fear but I think that is part of the healing.  When those feeling come up in me, the first thing I do is think of something positive and hold onto that.  I also tell myself that those thoughts and fears only hinder ME, not him, not her, just me and I need to be kind to myself.  

I also look at how far I have come.  I went from being on my knees in my kitchen, crying just about every second of every day, barely making it through an hour let alone a day, and a week was unthinkable.  I see how much stronger I have become and through this process have learned things about myself, and a few of them I actually like [smile]  Giving the horrid thing that happened the time of day only makes me take steps backward.

I don't know if you are spiritual but knowing you are not going through this alone.....and the keyword here is THROUGH, helps.  I have FAITH that I will get through this and I have faith that you will too.  When you feel fret or have bad visions just give them up too .. whoever... it does not matter, for me it's GOD but the exercise is to just let it go.  It has worked very well for me.  You will see the more you slam the door, the less and less they come a knocking.  

Oh how I so wish you were not going through this and if I had the magic pill I would mail you one.  This I know, you are becoming a new, improved and better you and I am sure that your husband sees it in you.  Know that he is a lucky man, a very, very lucky man.

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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tryingtomoveforward
Trinity, I am sorry you have to deal with betrayal and be that far away from your husband. That has got to make recovery even more difficult! I do so appreciate your advice. I have a close walk with God, which was made even closer because of what I went through last year. He was really the only one who was willing to listen to me and be there for me when I was desperate for help. He sent me several amazing women who have helped me tremendously. I'm not sure I would have remained in my marriage had they and their husbands not stepped in to advise and help both me and my husband. 

Anyway, you said:

I can only tell you how I see my situation and what I have done to keep moving forward.  Forgiveness is #1, and it is a hard one and very personal, but I forgave him, her and myself.  AND it is always good to mention, forgiveness does not mean what that person did was OK, and forgiveness is not for anyone else but yourself but to forgive opens the door to healing. 

I guess that's what I'm really struggling with ... forgiveness. I mean, I SAY I have forgiven my husband, but have I really? I still don't fully trust him, and I still feel hurt when I think of how much he flirted and talked deeply with this woman. He has apologized to me, but it was more of a, "I'm really sorry you were so hurt" kind of apology, as well as, "I'm sorry I acted irresponsibly" ... but to this day he doesn't fully "get" it. Maybe he never will. And her? I harbor some pretty hard feelings for her. She claims to be a Christian and is very involved with churchy things, so I struggle with the hypocrisy. How can someone who claims to be a Christ-follower flirt with another woman's husband and carry on as she did? She has no idea what I went through or what she put our marriage through. She's never apologized to me as a result, and so it's much more difficult to forgive her. How did you forgive your husband and the OW? How does anyone forgive someone who isn't fully aware of the pain or hurt they've inflicted? 


You also said: 
Unanswered questions, well honestly, will having those answers really help you heal or make things worse and give you more things to fret about? I do not know everything about my husbands cheating but I know the important stuff, first and foremost that HE CHEATED everything else is nonsense to me.  I also do not know if my husband is being honest with me but, in the grand picture of a reconciled marriage it is ME that has to make the decision to believe and trust him.  

You have a great point here. I don't know why I keep going back to the past and questioning everything. I guess maybe I feel like I don't have the fully story yet? Little things keep trickling out from time to time, and that makes it hard. He failed to disclose these to me when I first because aware of the inappropriate relationship they were having. He says he doesn't remember all the little details because she just didn't mean that much to him. Yet when I see those details coming out, I just have a hard time believing that. How does one forget a two-page email discourse giving spiritual advice? How does he forget that he sang a love song to her once, even if it was just being silly or playful? It leads me to believe that my husband is either A. completely lacking in discernment or B. hiding the truth from me. Can I move forward with just a small amount of trust, or will I continue to be in this place until I can fully trust him again?

You said:
YES it is very, very hard to completely let go of the hurt and fear but I think that is part of the healing.  When those feeling come up in me, the first thing I do is think of something positive and hold onto that.  I also tell myself that those thoughts and fears only hinder ME, not him, not her, just me and I need to be kind to myself.

So you basically replace the negative thoughts with positive ones? Are the positive ones about the good things about your husband? Like, when I think about the flirty texts my husband sent the OW, I should replace those thoughts with the texts he sends me? Sorry for the need to be so specific, but I really want to move on with all of this. 

You said:
I also look at how far I have come.  I went from being on my knees in my kitchen, crying just about every second of every day, barely making it through an hour let alone a day, and a week was unthinkable.  I see how much stronger I have become and through this process have learned things about myself, and a few of them I actually like [smile]  Giving the horrid thing that happened the time of day only makes me take steps backward.

I do this, too! I guess it's the one thing I am doing right in the healing process! [smile] I do feel the whole situation has revealed to me several areas on which I need to work ... God has had a lot of "sanding" to do over some really rough patches of insecurities and fears in my life ... He still has work to do, but I feel like I've become much more empathetic to other women going through this sort of pain, not to mention that my relationship with God has become deeper and closer. I know it seems weird, but I'm thankful for what I went through because of these things. I wouldn't change what happened if it meant I had to give those things up along with it. 

You also said:
Oh how I so wish you were not going through this and if I had the magic pill I would mail you one.  This I know, you are becoming a new, improved and better you and I am sure that your husband sees it in you.  Know that he is a lucky man, a very, very lucky man.


Thank you. Your husband is a fortunate man as well. ANY spouse who has betrayed their husband or wife should consider themselves tremendously blessed if their spouse is still with them and willing to walk such a difficult road. I honestly don't think most wayward spouses fully grasp that, though. I don't think most ever fully understand what they've done or the pain they've inflicted. 

Anyway, thanks for the advice! It is so helpful! [smile] 
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tryingtomoveforward
By the way, sorry about the formatting! I am trying to use the quote tool, but I think I botched it up!
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Trinity
tryingtomoveforward,  I too am sorry that we meet this way but am thrilled that you (as have I) have a FAITH !!  Honestly it is my faith that has brought me to a place of healing and growth.  You are on the right path of healing, I can assure you that having a higher power helps. 

About being positive, YES..  at the second I get negative thoughts and images of my husband cheating, I immediately replace them with things WE have done together that were happy.  We have been to concerts, picnics, new adventures... all of these things he did NOT experience with her.  

I have asked my husband to txt me a few times during the day.  This he has done and it helps me to know that he is thinking of me and thinking of what to txt me.  It may seem trivial but for me it is monumental.

Here is something to think about...... is knowing every gross detail going to move you forward ???  You are a BETTER WOMAN than that !!!  If you weren't would any of this been hidden ?????  Personally, I have given this up to GOD, and this I know for sure;  A child of GOD does NOT endure this treatment without seeing just punishment.  It will come to pass and when it does......... and it will......  you will stand in loveliness and grace and acceptance.  

"T"


 
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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tryingtomoveforward
Trinity  wrote:

Here is something to think about...... is knowing every gross detail going to move you forward ???  You are a BETTER WOMAN than that !!!  If you weren't would any of this been hidden ?????  Personally, I have given this up to GOD, and this I know for sure;  A child of GOD does NOT endure this treatment without seeing just punishment.  It will come to pass and when it does......... and it will......  you will stand in loveliness and grace and acceptance.  
 


Thank you! That last line was particularly reassuring. I know I need to let God be the one to exact the consequences on the OW. He will be far better at it than I would, that's for sure! I certainly don't wish for horrible atrocities to come to her, but I DO want her to understand that her irresponsible actions caused pain. I want her to feel enough pain and embarrassment that she NEVER behaves that way again with another woman's husband. I think part of the issue is she was cheated on by her husband, which should have made her more empathetic toward how her behavior would make a wife feel. For whatever reason, I never factored into her equation when she was with my husband. Our counselor told me I needed to make my presence known in my husband's office back when she was still there, so she could see me interacting with him and so I would become an actual person to her ... not just "the wife." It irritated her when I was there, I could tell. Now I  know she is a really messed up woman ... damaged goods ... someone who is looking for love and acceptance in anyone who will give it to her. She is ripe for an affair, that's for sure, and I worry for the next unsuspecting husband who comes along and pays attention to her. I don't want another wife to go through what I went through.

Thank you for the advice about replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones. I will do that!
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