tryingtomoveforward, I always cry when I read the stories of the betrayed on this forum because we share the depths of pain. On the other hand it sure is a comfort and a blessing having a place to go where we have friends that can relate and help. I am only 6 months out of Dday and I (of course) struggle however, it is getting less and less every day. I know, for me, trust is a big issue and it seems that you are in the same boat. The only difference is that my husband lives in another state (Military) we are 800 miles apart most of the time and having that trust broken really makes things difficult. I too struggle with the "if" and questions that I will never have answered, and probably don't want answered but I do think it is very possible to let go. I can only tell you how I see my situation and what I have done to keep moving forward. Forgiveness is #1, and it is a hard one and very personal, but I forgave him, her and myself. AND it is always good to mention, forgiveness does not mean what that person did was OK, and forgiveness is not for anyone else but yourself but to forgive opens the door to healing. Unanswered questions, well honestly, will having those answers really help you heal or make things worse and give you more things to fret about? I do not know everything about my husbands cheating but I know the important stuff, first and foremost that HE CHEATED everything else is nonsense to me. I also do not know if my husband is being honest with me but, in the grand picture of a reconciled marriage it is ME that has to make the decision to believe and trust him. YES it is very, very hard to completely let go of the hurt and fear but I think that is part of the healing. When those feeling come up in me, the first thing I do is think of something positive and hold onto that. I also tell myself that those thoughts and fears only hinder ME, not him, not her, just me and I need to be kind to myself. I also look at how far I have come. I went from being on my knees in my kitchen, crying just about every second of every day, barely making it through an hour let alone a day, and a week was unthinkable. I see how much stronger I have become and through this process have learned things about myself, and a few of them I actually like Giving the horrid thing that happened the time of day only makes me take steps backward. I don't know if you are spiritual but knowing you are not going through this alone.....and the keyword here is THROUGH, helps. I have FAITH that I will get through this and I have faith that you will too. When you feel fret or have bad visions just give them up too .. whoever... it does not matter, for me it's GOD but the exercise is to just let it go. It has worked very well for me. You will see the more you slam the door, the less and less they come a knocking. Oh how I so wish you were not going through this and if I had the magic pill I would mail you one. This I know, you are becoming a new, improved and better you and I am sure that your husband sees it in you. Know that he is a lucky man, a very, very lucky man. "T"
BS - DDay July 2017
O GOD, take me, break me, make me.