Tim2014 Show full post »
Kalmarjan
Tim wrote:
Karmaljan or anyone else

It's been 9 months since dday but after talking today the light bulb just went off and a question just popped into my head and would like comments to help clarify could it be possible that my wife views herself as a whore now since when we have sex she's says just stick it in and refuses the intimate side of things any thoughts


I don't think anyone would view themselves as a villain. So, "whore" isn't a label I think she would put on herself.

I have read somewhere that it's impossible to truly have any intimacy of there is no attempt at empathy. Could this be your situation? Perhaps now it's all about her doing her "duty" and trying to keep you.

You sound like you want empathy, or to at least understand. Straight up, you're gonna have to figure a way to deal with the anger. Or, if that is an impossibility then you may have to face the fact that you need to cut your losses.

I know your wife did you wrong, and right now you are justified in your anger... But there is no way anyone with a healthy set of boundaries or a good sense of themselves will put up with being slagged for very long.

Hell, I'll take my lumps, I deserve them. But I am not a doormat either. If it got to a point where my wife held on to her anger and refused to even empathize with me, I'd be questioning what and why she woukd want to stay with me.

Food for thought.
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Tim2014
I understand what you're saying but if you love someone and are for them and wronged them you should show them compassion correct trust me she's not seen any anger from me for a long while but she has seen that I'm not her doormat either
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Kalmarjan
Tim wrote:
I understand what you're saying but if you love someone and are for them and wronged them you should show them compassion correct trust me she's not seen any anger from me for a long while but she has seen that I'm not her doormat either


I hear you here. I'm not talking about her. I'm talking about you.

To be honest, I got a good dose of reality back when my wife had a rebound encounter 7 days after DDay.

I had to let go of that anger in order to clear the mess away for working on myself.

She may not see the anger, but unless I am misreading what you are writing, you have a lot of anger still there.

Hell, I don't blame you.

I don't know your situation or your wife. I can only guess. All I can do is offer what my point of view was and my thought process and hope it helps somewhat. I know that once my wife got over her anger the real work could begin.

She is still angry at some level, I don't blame her. But she is more in a place where we can work together to fix this. That could not happen if she still held her initial anger.
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Tim2014
You're misreading me I'm past anger believe that I'm just being frank and expressing myself everyone has to attend to their maker and yes I've bedn offered the revenge affair
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Processing4Growth
I think there could be a bit to your theory Tim. I am not sure that she thinks of herself as a whore but there could be enough self-loathing and confusion that the intimate side is not even there in her head. I think the use above of "duty" mentioned above could come into play.  

Clearly there is something going on there in her mind. Without know details (which frankly a message board just isn't going to get to that level) its hard to say what exactly is going around. Minds are marvelously complex. The flexible nature for our brains to adjust to a certain reality to avoid pain, hurt, or whatever is great and awful at the same time. We have to cope to survive and move forward but often that ends up being a way to postpone dealing.

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Tim2014
Processing4growth

Ok you're correct my bad for choice of stating what I'm thinking!! Yes self loathing is a better way of putting it. I guess if you don't love yourself and aren't true to yourself then you can expect anyone else to love you!! If I didn't love her I wouldn't still be here I would have left her long ago.but as bad as it hurts her cheating watching someone self destruct is just as bad. I think like Kalmarjan she's thinking wtf did I do!!! But she's afraid to ask for or she feels she doesn't deserve forgiveness!! I do know everyone has a breaking point and hers is near. One way or another. So you see I do have compassion for her but everyone has to own up to there mistakes. Thanks for your input I'm sorry we all have to deal with this bs.. Any and all of your input and advice is welcomed!!
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Tim2014
This poem was written by my wS sept 2 2014

From here to the moon and back I will spend forever just proving that fact. For no one can love you like that!forlove ever lasting I promise you that.

Happy anniversary to my best friend better half and love of my life tim,thanking you for spoiling me beyond belief always making me laugh be there when I cry and supporting me when I needed. Then she said she was feeling thankful for me and wants an eternity with me two weeks later d day. I just saw this for the first time a week ago it's written for our anniversary this year 2015.im like wow so did getting busted trigger all these chain of events that have happened because that meant the end of this friendship with the ap
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Anna26
Tim wrote:


Ok you're correct my bad for choice of stating what I'm thinking!! Yes self loathing is a better way of putting it. I guess if you don't love yourself and aren't true to yourself then you can expect anyone else to love you!! If I didn't love her I wouldn't still be here I would have left her long ago.but as bad as it hurts her cheating watching someone self destruct is just as bad. I think like Kalmarjan she's thinking wtf did I do!!! But she's afraid to ask for or she feels she doesn't deserve forgiveness!! I do know everyone has a breaking point and hers is near. One way or another. So you see I do have compassion for her but everyone has to own up to there mistakes. Thanks for your input I'm sorry we all have to deal with this bs.. Any and all of your input and advice is welcomed!!



Have to agree, self loathing is a good description. I know my WS is ashamed and disgusted with himself for what he has done because he has told me so. Just wish he'd focussed more on how he felt about that and less about continuing the affair. We are living apart at the moment but when he was at home there was no way in hell that I was going to even entertain the idea of the physical side of our marriage KNOWING that the affair was still ongoing. It's different for you as the affair seems to be over for your wife.  I know my husband would have big issues even believing he was worthy of my love and affection, in fact I feel at the moment, he's not making any inroads towards our relationship because he's afraid he'll never be able to get her out of his head, (but he won't unless he tries).  And I think you hit the nail on the head when you said she probably feels she doesn't DESERVE forgiveness, mine probably thinks that too.  Oh... where's Pandora when you need her with the HOPE she managed to trap in her box after she opened it...I'm sure we could all do with a little of that right now!
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Kalmarjan
Anna26 wrote:
Tim wrote:


Ok you're correct my bad for choice of stating what I'm thinking!! Yes self loathing is a better way of putting it. I guess if you don't love yourself and aren't true to yourself then you can expect anyone else to love you!! If I didn't love her I wouldn't still be here I would have left her long ago.but as bad as it hurts her cheating watching someone self destruct is just as bad. I think like Kalmarjan she's thinking wtf did I do!!! But she's afraid to ask for or she feels she doesn't deserve forgiveness!! I do know everyone has a breaking point and hers is near. One way or another. So you see I do have compassion for her but everyone has to own up to there mistakes. Thanks for your input I'm sorry we all have to deal with this bs.. Any and all of your input and advice is welcomed!!



Have to agree, self loathing is a good description. I know my WS is ashamed and disgusted with himself for what he has done because he has told me so. Just wish he'd focussed more on how he felt about that and less about continuing the affair. We are living apart at the moment but when he was at home there was no way in hell that I was going to even entertain the idea of the physical side of our marriage KNOWING that the affair was still ongoing. It's different for you as the affair seems to be over for your wife.  I know my husband would have big issues even believing he was worthy of my love and affection, in fact I feel at the moment, he's not making any inroads towards our relationship because he's afraid he'll never be able to get her out of his head, (but he won't unless he tries).  And I think you hit the nail on the head when you said she probably feels she doesn't DESERVE forgiveness, mine probably thinks that too.  Oh... where's Pandora when you need her with the HOPE she managed to trap in her box after she opened it...I'm sure we could all do with a little of that right now!


Deserve is the right word here. I didn't think I deserved it, and it made me mad.

My son is the one that helped me pull my head out of my ass.

It's all about love. I deserve to have a second chance, everyone does. It's all about understanding that the work needs to be done.

I quit smoking 7 years ago. The first year was really bad. I though about smoking every day. I also smoked for a long time before I quit. Eventually I stopped thinking of the cigarettes.

This situation has been the same. I still think about my AP but now it's not a longing or a wishing that I was with her. But, as time goes by, I think of her less. I can't wait until it's a distant memory to me.

The key in both situations is all about no contact. The way I got off cigarettes was by following the NTAP rule. (Never Take Another Puff.) it is all about nicotine addiction with cigarettes (and the mental part about the hand to mouth thing people yak on about is a red herring...) once the addiction is gone, then it's all about enduring the triggers.

It has nothing to do with playing with the cigarette, or the hand to mouth thing... It's about getting that fix. No patches, no pills... Just no nicotine. NTAP. NO CONTACT

The AP is the same. If I still maintained contact with her, or God forbid went to visit her... It's like I would be taking a Puff from a cigarette. I'd be back to square one.
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Tim2014
I believe there's no contact anymore since I've haven't heard her mention the word depressed in months and now there's a new twist to the matter and that's my daughter the two of them have grown close and that's what she's always wanted and I don't think she wants to lose that whatever was going on for my wife it was emotional not the sexual aspect but it's all the same earlier I posted the poem she had written last sept before dday take a look at it the text message that gave it away happened in July I think she realizes what she stands to lose
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Processing4Growth
I completely know what you are talking about Tim in writing what you are thinking [wink].

I also know about those breaking points. I am 9 months in. I have hit the time to throw in the towel and stop waiting for her to come to her senses stage. It goes against about every instinct I have but at some point you have to accept a situation for what it is. I know I am capable of pushing through longer but I also believe it is no longer in my best interest to have her a part of my life.

If there is a positive to pull out of your situation, it seems like there is at least something there with your wife that wants to be with you but seems to struggle to know how to get there. 
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Tim2014
Well hers where I'm at not at any point has she wanted to throw in the towel from day one she professes loving me with all her heart but it's hard to believe and then some of her actions speak differently now so our anniversary is coming up so this morning I posted a anniversary thing on fb usually not my of doing things I labeled it a tribute to my wife as I know she's sleeping at the moment she hasn't seen it yet everyone's been blowing up my phone all morning so I'm waiting to see what she says and does positive or negative you see I ve resigned myself to whatever happens happens life still goes on I was fine before I met her I'll survive and thrive if she goes it her loss not mine
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Tim2014
I'm sitting here alone reflecting back over the last six years but mostly the last one upon my discovery of the affair the rollercoaster ride began. It's not been like what I have mosly read but similar. I've heard her tell me I'm the only man that ever wanted her to I love you and I'm in love with you to her telling me she's depressed! But doesn't know why? Him well I do you crossed the line now you have rewritten history in your mind like all as hell how can you tell seine you love them and are in love them but be pining for someone else sad I've been told I choose you. But guess what from my evidence finding you had no choice in ghe matter! Eight years ago Iet my wife fell in love prior to that no man ever wanted her her and her families words but I fell in love and this is how I'm repaid a week or so ago she told a gf that it took her 42 years to find me yet I'm dealing with an a affair. You know what's funny the other day we were going to an event with 4 other people I said to her we can take the boat my half ton truck 4 door versus taking my yacht a one time four door truck just being being funny she laughed then started crying! I asked why you crying she never answered because she has forgotten my sense of humor which hasn't been present lately! How a simple joke can bring one to tears. So by my humble opinion she rewrite history in her mind to justify what she has done. To ease her conscious I suppose. Yet I read on here the same thing being said I'm confused I don't know what to do. For you wS at least mine whose tells me she wants the man back she fell in love with back well that's long gone he's dead never more to return! So tell me everyone how you feel you ? So friday is our sixth year married will there be even a card from her I doubt it because she would rather have her ap than me but he's still at home with his wife and kids? When I discovered the texts messages she texted him this we can't be friends anore my husband saw the texts his response I respect your decision any thoughts on this

Thanks
Tim
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Tim2014
As a betrayed spouse the hardest thing I had to do was stop thinking logically and start showing the wS life goes on without you my world doesn't revolve around you anymore it's about me from here on out I'm putting myself first instead of you it's hard to make yourself distant from a love one but it's something bs must do to protect themselves from further harm I won't beg plead or anything for you see wS everything might not be perfect but I'm the best thing you had and get your mind and heart in a better place in the end of they leave you're better off because you get to exit the rollercoaster ride and start a new chapter wS want to rewrite history well so be it in the end there's no winners just losers but at least I'm not a victim anymore
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