SolomHeybrook Show full post »
Hurt
I would think that you are entitled to half the cost of the games as they were a joint asset.

Does your state offer mediation services for seperating couples?
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SolomHeybrook
Probably, but I'm not sure it's worth it to do that, as it opens me to a can of worms of him trying to say everything in the house is a joint asset. 
And in the grand scheme of my goals, does it accomplish anything by making this an issue? I don't know. 
Going to have to give it some thought when I'm not so emotional about the whole thing I suppose. 
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Kalmarjan
Well mediation is a good way to go. If your husband is being an ass, the mediator will make quick work of him...
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SolomHeybrook
Kalmarjan wrote:
Well mediation is a good way to go. If your husband is being an ass, the mediator will make quick work of him...


I haven't actually even contacted him, as we've basically been no contact. And since I'm p*ssed off and hurt, I figured it was better not to react yet. 
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SolomHeybrook
So I've pretty much let the video game thing go. In the grand scheme of things, it's just not that important. 
I'm just trying to figure out if I should ever reach out to him (since he hasn't been reaching out to me). AKA is no contact really the best option? I guess I'm worried about the whole "out of sight, out of mind" thing. Not a lot of people understand why I think this R is worth trying to move forward/salvage but I would really like it to. I know this is more his journey than mine but I guess I just wonder if I should  be letting him know that hey, I'm here if/when you pull your head out of your ass. 
The last communication I had with him about R was when I left him a note with all of his things on the porch that basically said right now, I need you to not be here due to your continued disrespect towards me (having the OW to my home while I was staying at a friends to give him space). Go figure your sh*t out. For the few days after d-day, I did tell him I wanted this to work and wanted to try and fix the R but I just worry that with kicking him out and the letter, he's now got the impression he can't come back....


Trying to work on my patience but damn this sucks.
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Tim2014
Well remember you were giving him space and he continued to see the ow so you have to remain strong for yourself ! No one but you can and will do that!
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SolomHeybrook
Update: 
Talked to him via text very briefly about him picking up some mail /forms(he'll get it from the mailbox, no person to person contact). He told me when he got more of his things a bit over a week ago that he was going to move back to Colorado. (I'll believe it when I see it. I don't believe he realizes just how hard it is to move across the country). I've been doing the school thing, hanging out with my friends, taking care of the pups (we have 4) but it's still a daily struggle to not just be consumed with the desire to ask him to come home. I haven't told him any of that (haven't had any relationship talk since he left on valentines day). 

I dunno. I know that the life I had before is gone and I'm okay with that, it wasn't particularly fulfilling for me either (I was waiting for bigger and better things that come with residency). But I guess I'm struggling to let go of the future that we had planned. Ya know? When I think about kids, I think of him as the father (we were planning on starting a family during residency). He's flawed. So am I. I accepted his flaws, loved him for them. And I can't really seem to throw that away yet. Maybe it'll come in time but it hasn't happened yet. Still have dreams about him every night, wake up in the morning and my brain immediately starts thinking about this whole situation. I can turn it off briefly when with friends but it always creeps its way back in. Went with my friends yesterday to paint pottery for a friends' birthday. Lots of goofy fun, but ended up in tears on the drive home. I guess they don't call it a roller coaster for nothing.

I guess I"m struggling the most with whether NC is really the right thing. 
The text from him today: 
H: Did you find either my W2s or my permit and if so can I pick them up later today?
Me: I did, they've been in the mailbox since I said OK (2 days ago). Sorry for the miscommunication.
H: It's alright, thanks for letting me know. 

I didn't respond because I'm never quite sure if I should be friendly or keep things strictly business. I wanted to say something like "Of course. Stay dry." (since it's pouring here today.) Do I try and keep the lines of communication open or do I not response unless he initiates something? I'm not even sure what to do anymore. Ya know, the whole if something isn't working, don't keep doing it. NC doesn't seem to have really changed anything, so do I try something different? It's been a month. Do I wait longer? 

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Guiltguilt
I see this on here a lot recently.
My understanding is that No Contact (NC) is for WSs and APs, and "The 180" is for BSs. Both are effective.
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SolomHeybrook
Yeah, I'm mincing terminology. 
Basically, I've withdrawn from him completely. Don't talk to him unless its strictly business. (Letting go and limiting availability as per the whole Winning back wayward spouse). 
I guess my thought at what point do I do something different? Or is this what our relationship will forever be unless he approaches me first? Not sure if that makes sense or not. So many ups and downs in this process that I end up turned around trying to figure out which way is forward. 
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SolomHeybrook
Well, he unfriended me on Xbox. First time I've ever seen him defriend someone.
I was on playing a game with friends, he got on, then unfriended me. Trying to still find some hope that he'll come out of this, but at this point I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. 
[bawl] 
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Anna26
SolomHeybrook wrote:
Well, he unfriended me on Xbox. First time I've ever seen him defriend someone.
I was on playing a game with friends, he got on, then unfriended me. Trying to still find some hope that he'll come out of this, but at this point I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. 
[bawl] 



So childish isn't it really?  And that's how he is acting, like a petulant child.  I think you have to continue working on you as you have been, because that's the only way that you are going to gain some strength out of this situation.  Whether the penny drops for your husband is anybody's guess, my own is still deliberating, but he isn't acting like yours is, and at least in general, we are getting along. 

If he is still seeing the AP then you should stand by your principles, you have nothing more to lose and he has everything to lose, but probably doesn't 'get it' yet. 
There is no way I will let my husband back until he can convince me that he isn't seeing her anymore, that's why I wanted him to move out in the first place. 

It may not seem like it but you have a lot of the power right now,  so stick to your NC, or do the 180, whatever is best for you.     Leave his choices with him and let him come to terms with his own poor decisions.  You choose your own life, and however you want to live it. In time you will be strong enough that his choices won't bother you so much.
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SolomHeybrook
Well it's been a while so I figured I'd come in an update. Maybe you guys will see more hope in my situation than I do. 
Got the results for my residency, I'll be moving to detroit in June. Starting to sell my house here and look for one there is heartbreaking. I don't want to do this alone. 
But I was still have a several good days where I felt strong, was doing things for myself, was on top of everything in my life. 
Then yesterday and today have just been awful. Mutual friend told me H has been telling people that we've broken up and he's moving back to CO in a few weeks. Still don't know what the situation with OW is. He's living there. That's about all I know. 
I guess what is scaring me the most is that if he moves, that's kind of the end. And worse, when I move, he now wouldn't be coming back to his "home." He still hasn't gotten the rest of his things. I think he expects me to pack them all up for him. And unfortunately, as much as I don't want, I will probably have to do that so I can get this place show- ready to sell. 
But I still just want him to come home. I know we've got a lot of sh*t to wade through, but I can't seem to give up and walk away. And the result is I just keep having bad days. Days where I think about the last time he hugged me and breaking down because I don't want that to be the last time I ever touch him in my life. 
I guess the part I'm having a hard time with is whether this is really an affair fog situation. He told me repeatedly that he wasn't leaving me *for* her, or choosing her over me. He just didn't want to be with me anymore. And now he's moving back to our hometown, leaving everything here, including me, behind. 
I don't know. It's a bad day, I feel like the whole situation is just hopeless. That its really jsut over and I"m the idiot for not seeing it and just accepting it. 
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