Marla
I found out about my boyfriend's affair 9 months ago. It came to light in a text message from the woman he had an affair with. The message read I need to talk to you about tanya which is her 12 year old daughter. When he did not respond to her she texted him again. Which stated Tanya wants to live with her father and you are him.Before this text message he had no idea that he was this child's father ,13 years ago when the baby was born she told him she had DNA that proved another man was  the father. So he went on with his life,he stopped the affair and jumped feet first into being present in our lives ,we have two children together our youngest was born 8 months after the other woman's daughter was born.After our daughter was born I noticed a change in him he began to be nicer and began pertisapating more in our everyday lives.I am hurt deeply by the lies and deceit that has went on for twenty one years.But I decided that I will not leave and demolish our family over a thirteen year old affair.But I struggle daily with the thoughts I have and the pain I feel.I do not think I could ever allow this child to live with me.I do not think I could handle seeing her everyday.And I have told him and the other women that the child cannot live with us.The other woman has never contacted me or him again since I told her the child is not coming to live with us.When I told him the child cannot live with me he said his intentions are to keep our family together and he will do what ever I need him to do.I want to stay and be with him.But I struggle,one day I feel everything may be able to work out.Then the next day I am unsure if I can handle the stress and heartache this is causing me.Is it normal to still be so back and forth nine months in?Any advice on how to deal with this aweful situation is appreciated.
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Phoenix
Marla wrote:
I found out about my boyfriend's affair 9 months ago. It came to light in a text message from the woman he had an affair with. The message read I need to talk to you about tanya which is her 12 year old daughter. When he did not respond to her she texted him again. Which stated Tanya wants to live with her father and you are him.Before this text message he had no idea that he was this child's father ,13 years ago when the baby was born she told him she had DNA that proved another man was  the father. So he went on with his life,he stopped the affair and jumped feet first into being present in our lives ,we have two children together our youngest was born 8 months after the other woman's daughter was born.After our daughter was born I noticed a change in him he began to be nicer and began pertisapating more in our everyday lives.I am hurt deeply by the lies and deceit that has went on for twenty one years.But I decided that I will not leave and demolish our family over a thirteen year old affair.But I struggle daily with the thoughts I have and the pain I feel.I do not think I could ever allow this child to live with me.I do not think I could handle seeing her everyday.And I have told him and the other women that the child cannot live with us.The other woman has never contacted me or him again since I told her the child is not coming to live with us.When I told him the child cannot live with me he said his intentions are to keep our family together and he will do what ever I need him to do.I want to stay and be with him.But I struggle,one day I feel everything may be able to work out.Then the next day I am unsure if I can handle the stress and heartache this is causing me.Is it normal to still be so back and forth nine months in?Any advice on how to deal with this aweful situation is appreciated.


Maria, 
just to get some clarification, he was cheating for 13 years? Or he had an affair 13 years ago? I can tell you the pain is the same maybe the same. But I think the amount of time and how long ago might be a factor. At least in my case. 
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notemanj
It is perfectly normal to still be upset 9 months after finding out. Everything I have read suggests that at best you will start to feel normal again 2 years after DDay. 

But a child complicates matters SO much more! Is the OW married? Was she married at the time the child was born? Legally that makes a difference. 

If she hasn't contacted either of you again, he may not be that child’s father. It may have been a ploy for attention or money. 

However, if she was not married, and he is the father, he has a financial duty to this child. He also has a parental duty. And I know that that is the last thing you want to hear. 

A friend of mine was married at the time that her H fathered a child with another woman. She felt exactly as you do now. But, as time passed, and as it became apparent that the mother was not good for the child, she took him into her home. He was, after all, a sibling of their children. 25 years later, he is a part of their family and a good person because she was able to open her heart to him. It was by no means easy. But, I think you will find, that if you have to bring this child into your lives, you will eventually see the child for the person she is and not for how she came to be. Kids need love and they give it so easily, it’s hard to turn them away. 

Either way, you and your BF, have a lot of hard work ahead of you. If this relationship is to survive, he needs to be 100% honest and open about everything. For the rest of his life. You need to focus on your own healing. And decide what is best for you and your children. 

You probably should see a therapist for yourself. You need to be in a good, healthy place to make any decisions about your future. Read everything on here that speaks to you. Read everything you can find on the internet. Check out the resources that Tim and Sharon have provided. Listen to their podcast. Check out Samuel from Affair Recovery on YouTube. Focus on waking up every day with the intention to move forward. 

We are all here for you! You are not alone in this struggle! 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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Marla
He had the affair it began in 2002 and ended 2006.I did not find out about it till 9 months ago.He ended the affair,he told me he ended it when he found out I was pregnant.He said because he realized he loved me.One major issue I am having is the fact that he never told the truth.He kept his horrible secret for thirteen years after the affair was over.We have had DNA done the child is his.The child does not live with her mother she lives with her grandparents and always has.The child  is getting in trouble.And now the other woman just wanted to send her to live with my boyfriend.Because the grandparents can't handle the child anymore it is horrible that the child's mother could lie and tell my bf that he is not the father that dna proved another man fathered this child and then come back thirteen years later.When I asked her why did she tell him he was not the father thirteen years ago.She replied I did not have to  tell him or anyone anything.All this just hurts alot.Really helps to read others stories to know I am not alone.He has had no contact with the other women in at least five years we live in different states.I just can't understand for the life of me how a mother could have a child.Lie and deny the child knowledge of who their father is and deny the father the opportunity to be Dad only to leave the child with someone else to care for.I am a mother of a twenty two year old son  and twelve year old daughter.This is a life altering situation for everyone. I will never understand how my bf could lie and keep secrets for so long.He watched me do things the were supposed to be helping us build a stable relationships.We conceive another child, Igot his name tattooed on me.And he sat there never letting out his secret.He knew the whole time he had cheated and had no commitment to me.Even after nine months my thoughts are just all over the place.
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