sarahjewell
My husband of 14 years admitted to kissing my sister in law (his brother's wife) on a drunken night about a year ago.  He recently quit his 12 year career in law enforcement and we are dealing with a stressful move and new life for our family.  Today he told me that the kissing wasn't kissing, but sex.  I don't know where to begin.  Our children are 10 and 8 and have had a privileged life sheltered from any unhappiness.  The upcoming move is the most stress they have ever faced and it is hard on them.  I am not very happy about moving, but am trying to come to terms with it and with this on top of it I feel like my life is crumbling around me.

I just downloaded some books to read and am trying to get some counseling set up, but I don't know where to start.  Christmas is coming, I'm busy at work, and I've already planned to leave my job in two months and move so that he can get away from law enforcement and start a new career.  I don't want to tell my family because if we decide to work it out they will hate him, I can't tell my friends because it's a very small and gossip filled town, I can't hold it in because I will die.  How do I get through the holidays without hurting my kids?  How and when do I decide if I want to work it out or leave?  My initial reaction is to leave, but I don't want to make a decision in anger.  I'm so worried about my kids, I could care less about me right now and am only thinking of them.  Any advice on where to get started is greatly appreciated.
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Anna26
sarahjewell wrote:
My husband of 14 years admitted to kissing my sister in law (his brother's wife) on a drunken night about a year ago.  He recently quit his 12 year career in law enforcement and we are dealing with a stressful move and new life for our family.  Today he told me that the kissing wasn't kissing, but sex.  I don't know where to begin.  Our children are 10 and 8 and have had a privileged life sheltered from any unhappiness.  The upcoming move is the most stress they have ever faced and it is hard on them.  I am not very happy about moving, but am trying to come to terms with it and with this on top of it I feel like my life is crumbling around me.

I just downloaded some books to read and am trying to get some counseling set up, but I don't know where to start.  Christmas is coming, I'm busy at work, and I've already planned to leave my job in two months and move so that he can get away from law enforcement and start a new career.  I don't want to tell my family because if we decide to work it out they will hate him, I can't tell my friends because it's a very small and gossip filled town, I can't hold it in because I will die.  How do I get through the holidays without hurting my kids?  How and when do I decide if I want to work it out or leave?  My initial reaction is to leave, but I don't want to make a decision in anger.  I'm so worried about my kids, I could care less about me right now and am only thinking of them.  Any advice on where to get started is greatly appreciated.




I just wanted to respond to your post because I (like most of the BS on here) know how you must be feeling right now.  We have all been through those early stages, you've just found out, don't know what to do, and blind panic sets in and you feel there must be something you can do to make things 'right'.
Simple answer is that right now, there isn't.  There's nothing instant.  It's important to take a deep breath and tell your self that you will get through this, and each day that you get through is a positive.  It's particularly hard because Christmas is coming up, so I think the best thing you can do for now is to focus on that, for you and your children and in general, and also your house move, and leave the relationship problems until the New Year. Your initial reaction of leaving is to try and remove yourself from the source of your pain, but you shouldn't be the one to do this anyway.
There is no rush to do anything and you need to give yourself time to think things through and for the dust to settle a little.  Things will seem clearer in a little while. 

You are being very wise about whom you tell and why, particularly when family is involved, and I think you will find things will come out as and when they need to.
In the meantime it might help to read as much as you like or need to, and maybe contribute on some of the topics on here.  I think you may find you get a lot of feelings out just by sharing a little on here.  You will be surprised how many people are in similar situations to your own and just knowing that is a great comfort.
I found it helped me to write everything down, didn't matter if it made sense or not, it all poured out, anger, sorrow and all the pain.  I find it really cathartic every time I can't cope, though I must admit, I haven't done this so much lately.   Kalmarjan will tell you, journal, journal, journal...[smile]  for whatever reason you need to. (Won't you Kal?)

If you do tell a friend or two, make sure it is someone who won't be judgemental, especially if you do reconcile.  This is what I did, chose a couple of trustworthy friends and things are only just beginning to get out after about a year, but that's mostly because my WS has moved out some time ago, and also because he works at the same place as his AP, so tongues are wagging now.  It's inevitable, and what people don't know, they make up as they go along anyway, and yes, I'm in a small village too!  But above all, hold your head up, you have done nothing wrong, you will get through this.


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TimT
sarahjewell wrote:
...I can't hold it in because I will die.  How do I get through the holidays without hurting my kids? How and when do I decide if I want to work it out or leave?...

If at all possible, tell SOMEBODY as soon as possible. This is something too big to keep to yourself. You need some outlet. Is there at least ONE friend or family member you can trust? Any long-distance friend you can call for support? A pastor or religious leader? At least try to get in to see a counselor for a session. And share in this Community as much as you want. We are all sorry you are in this place.

As far as deciding what to do... you don't have to decide anything permanent right now. In fact, you probably should take that pressure right off yourself. Time will help you come to a more certain understanding of what choice is right.

[By the way: I always encourage local counseling as a first option. If you are having trouble connecting with someone, my "Talk to Tim" service can be an option.]
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