Aniyah
I am glad that I found this forum. I have been on other forums in the past that made me feel uncomfortable to post. When I found this site while doing a google search, it seemed to be a great way for me to release what I have held in for five years.

To make this short I will give a timeline because after five years I have plenty to say.

Mistress number one calls my home and leaves a detailed message of her affair with my husband. My husband acknowledges the fact that he was involved with her but only by phone. Mistress #1 give details of our vacations and of my husband wanting her to accompany our family on one of the vacations in which she declined. Husband revealed her name and we separated shortly after mistress #1.

Two months later husband begged for me to return to the marital home to reconcile and work on our marriage. After weeks of debating the issue I decided to return home and hopefully work on our marriage but that gut feeling was there. I researched and found a password to his phone and found text messages with mistress #2 that he was involved with while being with mistress #1. We argued. I left and filed for divorce. 

During the process of the divorce I became ill and found out that I had a chronic illness. I still pursued the divorce but was admitted into the hospital and my husband was contacted because I passed out at work. Decided it would be best to go back home after being released from the hospital. My husband was attentive, loving and caring to me. I though the bad was behind us until that gut feeling kicked in again. I stashed a VRD in his cab of his truck and recorded a conversation with mistress #3. Mistress #3 gave him detailed information about mistress #2, her autistic child and how hard it was for mistress #2 to see the signs of her child not progressing like other children. Mistress #3 begged and pleaded with my husband to come meet up with her but he kept putting her off stating that he had been busy with his family and wasn't sure when he would be available to her. 

I knew the names of mistress #1 and #2 but mistress #3 had me puzzled as to who she was. I knew that she was someone both he and mistress #2 knew well. I confronted him with the evidence and left but this time for good. 

I am having a hard time coping with this betrayal and how blind I had been for all those years. I put myself down thinking that somehow I was not good enough for him. I gave my all in our marriage. The chronic illness that I have went undetected for years and there were times when I would come home after working 8 hours to take care of him and our children while being in pain from my neck down to my toes. I felt so betrayed. I still feel lost. I still feel as though my best was not good enough for this man. My only satisfaction comes from knowing that the first  mistress that called felt like she was the only woman he wanted and needed in his life. If I were a cruel woman I would send her the information of his other mistresses and ask her how she feels about being the other woman to many other women in his life.

This all happened within a five year span. I am slowly recovering but it is hard.

We have not divorced until I can get my illness under control and deal with the stress that comes along with a divorce. My husband has agreed to help me as much as possible and does not want the divorce. But he has inquired about taking a equity loan out of our marital home to help him financially. We live in a no fault state and taking a loan out of her home would reduce the mortgage payments but I feel there is something that is not quite clear with him taking money out of the home. 

Thank you to anyone who has read this far. I know this was long winded. 
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blyrobin51
Please do not let him get a home equity loan and tie you up with a new 30 year mortgage.   Get your health in order and get your divorce if that is what you need to do.    I would NOT trust him when it comes to money, emotions, mental state, intention, fidelity, NOTHING.  You better trust that GUT that has been giving you direction and guidance....its the best barometer.
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UrbanExplorer
Your illness didn't cause this. He's using the affairs to meet a need (unhealthily) or mask an issue within himself.
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Aniyah
blyrobin51 wrote:
Please do not let him get a home equity loan and tie you up with a new 30 year mortgage.   Get your health in order and get your divorce if that is what you need to do.    I would NOT trust him when it comes to money, emotions, mental state, intention, fidelity, NOTHING.  You better trust that GUT that has been giving you direction and guidance....its the best barometer.


I am totally against him getting this equity loan. Does not make sense to me at all for him to take money out of our home. My gut is telling me that he wants to purchase another home. I'm cautious and careful when it comes to him. 

I am pushing myself to get at least halfway to where I need to be healthwise. By the end of this year I should be halfway there.

Thank you for responding. It helps.
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Aniyah
Your illness didn't cause this. He's using the affairs to meet a need (unhealthily) or mask an issue within himself.


I keep reminding myself that his cheating had nothing to do with me but everything to do with him. When the first affair came to light, I thought that I was not showing him enough attention. Considering I was in pain the majority of the days I could not think straight nor remember much. Then with the second affair, I knew he had issues within himself that needed to be addressed. He wanted to go to counseling but when I booked the appointment, he declined. I went myself once a week for a few months. When I found out about the third woman, it was too much for me to handle. I definitely had mixed feelings about myself, him, our marriage and our family.

Without giving too much information I have been married for quite a few years. The affairs that were uncovered are the ones that I know about. I know in my heart that he has not been faithful from the beginning. I pray constantly. I'm working hard on my self esteem. I am taking steps in my life to help me be a stronger and happier woman. I realize that I cannot do this alone and need support from those who have been where I am. 

He's constantly asking me to give our marriage another chance. I'am constantly refusing. I cannot trust him with my heart. I feel in love with him by choice and now it is my choice to let him go on with his life. It hurts me. It has hurt our children but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel for us. I can see me being strong once again and not pretending. 
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Trinity
It difficult for a BS to understand that the affair has very, very little to do with them but IT IS the TRUTH.  The WS can try as they may to put as much of the blame they can on the BS but that is only so they can feel better and avoid the shame and guilt and disappointment.  The blame can only last for so long and if the BS does NOT accept it then the WS has no ammunition left.  Hopefully, the WS will finally come to the real conclusion and show remorse and be transparent.  

ANYIAH - you will definately be stronger, that is a fact.  Look at far you have come already but, don't keep looking in the rear view mirror because you are not going in that direction.  

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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arizons
yeah, I remember when my husband tried putting blame on me for the affair. I didn't except that for one minute and told him, "NO...no one made that choice to do that but you!" 
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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Kiki
My WH still blames me.   The fact that I refuse to take any blame for his affair is what makes him the angriest!!! He has to blame shift to make himself feel ok.

Aniyah, I think you are making the right decision.  He doesn’t sound trustworthy at all. 
D-Day#1 Dec 19, 2017
D-Day#2 Jan 13, 2018
5 year “on/off affair”
Separated

Married 25 years, together 35
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