Bahar
Last year I guess my husband fell out of love with me and once we found out that we are expecting he was not too happy . Finally , he begin get happy as belly started to grow . But during my final months of pregnancy he was traveling abroad for work and his final trip to Japan he slept with a Japanese cowarker. Later he continued his contact with her and fell in love . I found out through his conversation on google hang out while he was using the bathroom at home . I was terrified , I was shocked . Infedility already has happened before by my husband while we were engaged , and that was 8 years ago. During that time we loved each other so we stayed and got married one year after . Now my husband is telling me that he is messed up because of his first affair . We are not sure what to do? We are civil and still living in a same house but in a separate room . Now we have a adorable little boy who just turned 3 month.
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Kalmarjan
Bahar,

Welcome to the forums here. It sucks the circumstances, but there is a lot that can be learned from both sides here.

It's difficult to get your head straight while in the same house. I tried that for a while, but the honest answer there is, if the AP is still in the picture, recovery is impossible.

Is the AP still in the picture here?
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Bahar
Hi, Kalmarjan,
My husband said he ended his affair . But I think his PA ended because she found out that he has a wife . On the other hand my husband was laying to her too .
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Bahar
The AP didn't know that my husband had a pregnant wife . He lied to her to sleep with her then the sexual became emotional affair . My husband is emotionally immature .
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Searching4
Bahar,
Cheating on your pregnant wife is lower than low. My first husband had an affair when I was pregnant with my first child. Yes, I was totally devastated, but I had an infant to take care of and I was young and strong. And I had an entire future ahead of me. After a very brief attempt to reconcile, I decided that he was not the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. There is a saying which says........." When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

I met my second husband a year after our separation. He was my knight in shining armour. He became a wonderful step-dad to my firstborn, and we had three more children together. After 10 years of marriage, he began his long-term affair. We are trying to reconcile this because we love each other and the family we have built together. We have a history together, even though most of it is now tainted. It may work out or it may not. I won't regret trying.

However, there has not been one single moment that I regret ending my first marriage to an immature man who couldn't stay committed to me or his unborn child. I wanted a man of substance.
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Bahar
Searching4, I'm so sorry you have been a victim of indefidlty again .
Thank you for sharing your story . I don't want to be my current husband. He cheated on me twice . How long was the affair of your current husband ?
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Searching4
Sorry Bahar. I just saw your question. My current husband's affair lasted for 15 years. As far as I understand (and I am still learning) it was an affair of opportunity. At a very trying period of his life, when he had many business frustrations, poor self-esteem, the loss of his mother and a busy, growing family where I directed much of my attention, along came a woman who, for her own reasons was dissatisfied in her marriage, gave him the attention he was craving. She offered him compliments, boosted his ego, made him feel good about himself and sexually desirable. She offered sex easily and willingly and whenever he wanted. She made no demands on him to leave his family and represented no threat to their secret. I trusted him implicitly and never doubted his commitment or his fidelity. (Well, almost never)

It was easy, hassle-free, opportunistic and fun! Who wouldn't go for this arrangement? Only a person of honour and integrity. One who is honest and loyal and has a conscious. In order to push any guilt from his mind, he gave away these qualities and attributes. He blocked all guilt and much awareness too. He became moody and miserable. Even when the OW did begin to put more demands on him and he became wary of her deviousness, he was not strong enough to pull away from the affair. She worked for him and could have seriously damaged him professionally.

Today he is finding his way back to being an honourable man. He has changed more than I have ever seen anyone change. It is a huge betrayal to forgive and to reconcile. I think what makes it easier than many affairs to accept, is that he never claimed to have loved her. He admitted that he cared about her welfare, but the 'I love yous' that he told her were only his way of getting the sex from her that he had become almost addicted to. He never exhibited any withdrawal from her when the affair was discovered. Only relief, deep regret, and later, when he saw the devastation, remorse.
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Bahar
Searching 4, My God !!!! I'm so sorry , my heart is with you . At least your husband is back to himself and back to you. I can understand why your husband was hooked up to the other woman . Did you know that in countries like in Iran or Soudi those who chooses adultry gets stoned to death. I don't wish this upon on anyone but our husbands hurts us by choosing some girl who just makes them feel better. My husband was in love with his mistress both times . His first was 8 years while we were engaged , they started flirting then meet up for coffee next make out then rent a hotel room . It was suppose to be just sex but he fell in love . They other woman was married too . They were hooked sex and romance for one year until I took action to stop their madness . She was so bold that she would show up to our apartment for events with her husband. My husband would tell me that they are just friends or it's in my head. My husband is emotionally immature , or something is wrong with him , not in a mean way . Or men are not suppose to be with one woman . Here is what I think , think that your husband had a " Gisha " and she was doing your job for him while you were taking care of the household. Your job became less difficult by not worrying about your husbands needs . At the end he is your husband and he came home to you . The other woman can wash her vagina with her tears and I hope she is so miserable .
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Searching4
Bahar,
I often ask myself why, when I was 22 years old, with an infant, I knew instinctively that my first marriage was over, yet at 53, I was willing to give my second marriage another chance.

Was it the difference in my age? I don't think so. I didn't feel 'old' at 53. I didn't think about finding another partner to be with, but if I had, I didn't consider that I was too old to find happiness with someone else.

Was I afraid of being alone? Definitely not. I had as much confidence in my abilities to be independent then as I had when I was a young mother.

Did I love my second husband more? Perhaps. The first time around, we had been married less than two years, so we were still really in what I had thought was the 'honeymoon phase'. I was mature enough though, to realize that if my ex could do this at that point in our marriage, expecting our new baby, then he was not what I considered good husband or father material!

Was it the longer history I had with my second husband? This did have a play in my decision, but the affair had lasted longer than the part of our marriage when he had been faithful, so the greater part of our history had been an illusion designed to fool me.

I believe the greatest reason for wanting to reconcile was family. Our children were not children anymore. In fact, they were almost all out of the nest. But we as parents, were the 'glue' that held this family together. My husband was an integral part of that family. I wanted my family back, whole, even if we were all damaged by the deception. And believe me, my kids were all damaged by this also. When they think back to their happy childhood years, they will remember that their father was living a double life.

So I gave reconciliation a chance because of family. I also felt very sad to think of my husband growing old alone, and lonely, regretting this terrible choice he made. I knew I would be OK, but he would have been lost without his family intact.

So far, things are working well, so I am still here, enjoying this 'new' marriage. But I know very clearly that there would not be another chance, should he deceive me again. I don't believe he will, but I never believed he could.

I chose family, but with that choice I accept the suffering which I need to bear to make this work. I am hoping that one day I will feel great joy, but I don't yet. I do know that I would never subject myself to this pain again.

You are young, with your life ahead of you. Look ahead to where you could be in ten, twenty years. How would you like your life to be? What kind of person do you want to share that life with?

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sunflower07
Searching4 wrote:
Bahar,
I often ask myself why, when I was 22 years old, with an infant, I knew instinctively that my first marriage was over, yet at 53, I was willing to give my second marriage another chance.

Was it the difference in my age? I don't think so. I didn't feel 'old' at 53. I didn't think about finding another partner to be with, but if I had, I didn't consider that I was too old to find happiness with someone else.

Was I afraid of being alone? Definitely not. I had as much confidence in my abilities to be independent then as I had when I was a young mother.

Did I love my second husband more? Perhaps. The first time around, we had been married less than two years, so we were still really in what I had thought was the 'honeymoon phase'. I was mature enough though, to realize that if my ex could do this at that point in our marriage, expecting our new baby, then he was not what I considered good husband or father material!

Was it the longer history I had with my second husband? This did have a play in my decision, but the affair had lasted longer than the part of our marriage when he had been faithful, so the greater part of our history had been an illusion designed to fool me.

I believe the greatest reason for wanting to reconcile was family. Our children were not children anymore. In fact, they were almost all out of the nest. But we as parents, were the 'glue' that held this family together. My husband was an integral part of that family. I wanted my family back, whole, even if we were all damaged by the deception. And believe me, my kids were all damaged by this also. When they think back to their happy childhood years, they will remember that their father was living a double life.

So I gave reconciliation a chance because of family. I also felt very sad to think of my husband growing old alone, and lonely, regretting this terrible choice he made. I knew I would be OK, but he would have been lost without his family intact.

So far, things are working well, so I am still here, enjoying this 'new' marriage. But I know very clearly that there would not be another chance, should he deceive me again. I don't believe he will, but I never believed he could.

I chose family, but with that choice I accept the suffering which I need to bear to make this work. I am hoping that one day I will feel great joy, but I don't yet. I do know that I would never subject myself to this pain again.

You are young, with your life ahead of you. Look ahead to where you could be in ten, twenty years. How would you like your life to be? What kind of person do you want to share that life with?



You're a very wise woman.
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Bahar
Searching4, my mom mentioned to me that my dad had an affair too while they were married . At some point my dad was going to leave my mom but it didn't happened. At the end my dad turned out to be a caring father, a caring husband and my parents are still married. As a family, your kids , your husband can all grow stronger and slowly things can take in a much better way later on. I think as of now your family is in a Vulnerable stage. Please talk to your kids that what they are going through, it's important that they speak about their feelings. As for me , my husband is back to normal and he is being kind and a caring person. However, we are not sure if we should stay or go. My mom encourages me to stay and work things out. Thank you for your replies . Do you believe in destiny? I think my husband and I were destined unfortunately to go through these things.
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