BlindCheetah
For weeks H was being amazing, sweet and super attentive to my moods.  Thursday he apologized for being grumpy and reminded me it was the day his dad died. Things where going so well we forgot to use our remaining free counseling sessions before they expired.  That night he tells me his currently unemployed bored friend is coming the next day and staying to Monday or Tuesday annoyingly short notice but I'm going to be gone part of the weekend so not a big deal.  He works Friday gets home shortly before I have to go to work, the second day since March that I've worked. He spends all of the time I'm at home with his friend.  Next day, he occasionally comes in to say hi, no real quality time but they are having lots of fun on a really ridiculous welding project, next day I take the kids to my parent's house, he ignores his phone for 24 hours, I call his work phone he answers immediately but only talks for 2 minutes and has to go, until recently he was always annoyed when I called or texted his work phone, probably trying to keep from accidentally sending me something meant for AP. Come home the next day he has a "date" planned when his friend leaves to visit his daughter. So all weekend he only really has time for me when his friend is busy.

This morning he has to get up and go early and traveling overnight for work, so after a weekend of being basically ignored he wants to have coffee with his mom and friend before leaving and completely oblivious that I'm upset.  So, I insist we go for a walk and I unload everything on him because nothing has gotten through all weekend and I'm not letting him leave town without telling him how I feel.  His reaction wasn't great, when he doesn't know what to do he tends to back off and go quiet which is the opposite of what I need.  This used to not bother me I could just let him go do his own thing he'd enjoy his friends, I have other things to do while he's distracted. I'm sure it doesn't help that at some time this week probably Thursday is 1 year from when things got physical with AP.  I hate this emotional roller coaster. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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hurting
The emotional rollercoaster sucks. My WS goes quiet too and it’s so frustrating! He will ask me what I need, I unload and it’s just... silence. 

I think post d-day, what we really need is for them to show us consistently that we are, and remain, a priority to them. It’s easy when things are going well, but being able to speak up when you start to be not ok is important. As is their ability to take it on. 

Sure... maybe it’s ‘hard’ for them to have not be able to just do what they did before, like spend all their time and focus on their friends and interests. What we are doing is far harder, and this was entirely brought on by them. So I have little sympathy for a WS who behaves like this. 

From what I’m getting here, he is putting you second to his friend. There’s no place for that and he needs to be told that straight up. 

When mine did in the past, I would try with varying levels of calmness (or just flat out losing it) to explain that his behaviour has triggered me because this is how he used to behave when he was cheating and it reminds me of that. It makes me suspicious, angry, unhappy, hurt etc. 

we haven’t had these conversations for awhile but I think after explaining that, we would try to come up with a method around said triggers. Maybe if he made sure to check in on you (messages, phone calls) etc that would help?
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BlindCheetah
We’ve had this talk before but he doesn’t seem to get that saying hi when he comes in for another beer doesn’t really count as quality time neither does me hanging out with him and friend and/or him and his mom. The combination of all 3 is the worst. It’s basically a boundary problem which is what started this whole mess. He needs to be able to say, I need a few hours during your 4 day visit to spend with my wife while she is awake. He needs to say NO to the cigarettes he claims he doesn’t even enjoy. How the hell am I supposed to trust that he can say NO to someone that wants in his pants if he can’t do those things?

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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ThrivenotSurvive

@BlindCheetah 

I would tell him exactly that.  I had to have a similar conversation with my husband who sometimes seem to almost bow to peer pressure at 40+ years old.  I’d always hated it before but after DD I flat out told him he either needed to learn how to say no and let me see him put it into action repeatedly - or I was out of there. 

That even included me, because sometimes he would want to tell me no, or something I didn’t want to hear but due  to conflict avoidance he would just say what he thought I wanted to hear and then do what he wanted.  

So a BIG part of our healing was me seeing him learn to say what he meant to everyone - me, his friends, his family, etc.  

I think you are VERY right to stand firm on this. 

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BlindCheetah

That even included me, because sometimes he would want to tell me no, or something I didn’t want to hear but due  to conflict avoidance he would just say what he thought I wanted to hear and then do what he wanted.  



Ug, I hate this. 

I have questioned him a few times about how he handled peer pressure as a kid, he says the really bad ideas where usually his. I do know of a few insane stories inspired by the friend that was visiting this weekend.

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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ThrivenotSurvive
It’s part of their growth.  Keep bringing it up, explaining how and why it makes you feel unsafe.  My husband really struggled at first, but quickly learned how freeing it was not to have to pretend. 
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BlindCheetah

So when I brought it up again he was so defensive and negative I had to walk away. I clarified a few things later when he was in a better mood but he hasn’t said much and is a little distant. Which is of course the opposite of what I need.

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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ThrivenotSurvive

I am not sure what distant and negative means in your husband, but in mine I came to realize that it often coincided with him having to internally wrangle with some things about himself he really didn’t like.  He wasn’t so much mad at ME (though he would have certainly preferred me not to notice or bring it up) as angry with himself.  He would be disgusted with himself, while he sat there trying to figure out why acceptaance from the”boys” was so important to him at 40+ years of age, why trying to make everyone feel he was cool was still so essential to his ego.  He told our daughter to “be herself” and not worry about what other people thought - but he was realizing that he’d been hiding the fact that he was far more insecure then she was - and was expressing in a much more harmful way.  

I am sorry he is not giving you the support you need.  Hopefully, he will get his head out of his butt soon.  

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BlindCheetah

Today is better. I think the quiet and distant is partly not knowing what to do, he was to defensive this time to really listen to what I was asking for.  He also missed 2 days of his antidepressant which I’m sure didn’t help. The timing of the anniversary of his dad’s death and me thinking of it being 1 year from the start of his affair was a bad combination. He’s also getting very close to the age his dad died which I’ve noticed really seems to mess with a man’s head.

I went for a bike ride this morning which helped my mood a lot.  I don’t understand how you can get passed 40 and still put that much importance on being cool but, I wasn’t even worried about that as a teen. I was the intensely shy kid trying hard not to be noticed. He was the one doing stupid $h!t for attention. 

 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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BlindCheetah

He’s starting to act like he heard some of what I said but I’m not sure he really gets why some of the things he did bother me and how My mind is connecting it to the affair. He seems completely clueless why I want him to completely quit smoking and stop bumming them off friends. You’d think his family history of lung cancer would be enough but apparently the threat of death isn’t that important to him. He can overthink the smallest insignificant things to the point that nothing gets done then give little to no thought to big important things then wonder why things are exploding around him. 

I’m gradually writing him an email as I think of better ways of saying what I’m feeling. He can take his time responding. Maybe eventually it will work. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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ThrivenotSurvive

Self reflection is not a skill learned over night.  It is frustrating to watch a grown human being have to learn what should have been part of their childhood evolution, I agree.  But patience and coming ( as much as possible) from a place of compassion, coupled with an actual desire for change on his part will win the day eventually.  

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BlindCheetah
I think I’m going to keep encouraging him to listen to everything Brene Brown has ever written. It seems she gets him.

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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Experiencethedevine29

I am not sure what distant and negative means in your husband, but in mine I came to realize that it often coincided with him having to internally wrangle with some things about himself he really didn’t like.  He wasn’t so much mad at ME (though he would have certainly preferred me not to notice or bring it up) as angry with himself.  He would be disgusted with himself, while he sat there trying to figure out why acceptaance from the”boys” was so important to him at 40+ years of age, why trying to make everyone feel he was cool was still so essential to his ego.  He told our daughter to “be herself” and not worry about what other people thought - but he was realizing that he’d been hiding the fact that he was far more insecure then she was - and was expressing in a much more harmful way.  

I am sorry he is not giving you the support you need.  Hopefully, he will get his head out of his butt soon.  




This rang bells Thrive. So true. 


BC, they’ve s*it on their own doorstep and the stink lingers. Facing the consequences of what they’ve done is SO uncomfortable they can’t face themselves, and as much as they might want to do what you need, they don’t want to look at the ugly bit of themselves to do it...as Thrive rightly alludes, it’s insecurity.

My response to this in my own DH (dick head) was ‘tough mate’! . Get your head out of your ass or I’m off... I stopped babysitting his nonsense and let him fester. If I needed to tell him how I was feeling about his horse manure, I’d write him a note instead of smashing his face in...😆 it took a while, and even now he can still be a twat sometimes, but if I leave him to think about it on his own, he usually comes back with an appropriate response that gives me some satisfaction.

Give him the information to reflect on his own, and keep your distance while he does it. I learnt early on that getting frustrated because he wasn’t responding the way I wanted him to wasn’t getting me anywhere, he had to work it out on his own, so I’d leave a note and tell him to come to me with his thoughts when he’d really given it serious reflection and not to bother until he had.  

It’s bloody hard work all this isn’t it?

ETD 🌻

‘I will remember and recover. Not forgive and forget’
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BlindCheetah

I’m pretty sure Thrive is right, when is she not?  So after a week of being mad at him for lots of stuff that never bothered me before and some stuff that has always bothered me I kicked the hysterical bonding back into high gear. I’ve also started riding my bike more regularly again which helps a lot. 

I need to make a phone call to get back into counseling, I want to get at least a few full nights of sleep in before I go back to work. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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BlindCheetah

So, today I made the phone call to start individual counseling. I talked to a councilor for about an hour explaining my situation then they match me with someone.  I’d rather have more direct  input in the selection but it’s free. 

For half the call I was trying not to laugh. If your familiar with Harry Potter I felt like I was talking to Professor Trelawney. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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