catmommy
 
An affair is a murderer.....it kills the person you fell in love with and it kills you, the person you were before D-Day.  At times it feels like I was standing at a closed door, I didn’t try to open the door I just stood there....then slowly the door opens and all you see is black and then a hand slowly comes out to pull you into the darkness...you just stand there. You do not resist because you have lost control, your choice has been taken from you to enter or not....so you are pulled into a place you don’t want to go a place someone else has made for you, and you find out the place is called “THE JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY AND SURVIVAL”.  I’m told you are in control of how you deal with the darkness in Discovery.  There are miles and miles of books, weekends, DVD, etc. to help you through this journey.  What you are not told, I’ve discovered is (no pun intended)....the person you fell in love with died the moment he/she made the conscience decision to cheat.  So, now you are in mourning for two people, the person you fell in love with and the person you were when you fell in love.  At the end of your mourning the death of the two people you were the closest, you are given a new title “SURVIVOR”. No, not like the popular television show with cheers and applause and a big monetary prize.  You are not out of the the darkness yet.  Now you are expected to fall in love with a stranger.....if you are to continue on with the marriage. 
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Kalmarjan
catmommy wrote:
 
An affair is a murderer.....it kills the person you fell in love with and it kills you, the person you were before D-Day.  At times it feels like I was standing at a closed door, I didn’t try to open the door I just stood there....then slowly the door opens and all you see is black and then a hand slowly comes out to pull you into the darkness...you just stand there. You do not resist because you have lost control, your choice has been taken from you to enter or not....so you are pulled into a place you don’t want to go a place someone else has made for you, and you find out the place is called “THE JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY AND SURVIVAL”.  I’m told you are in control of how you deal with the darkness in Discovery.  There are miles and miles of books, weekends, DVD, etc. to help you through this journey.  What you are not told, I’ve discovered is (no pun intended)....the person you fell in love with died the moment he/she made the conscience decision to cheat.  So, now you are in mourning for two people, the person you fell in love with and the person you were when you fell in love.  At the end of your mourning the death of the two people you were the closest, you are given a new title “SURVIVOR”. No, not like the popular television show with cheers and applause and a big monetary prize.  You are not out of the the darkness yet.  Now you are expected to fall in love with a stranger.....if you are to continue on with the marriage. 


A bit strong. "Rape" was pretty strong to me. This is a bit much for me.

I am the same person I was before the affair. In fact, despite the nasty and bad that happened, I can truly say that yes, I have changed and looked inside myself to enact a change in my behaviour, but I am not dead.

I can also say that my wife is not dead either. Maybe her trust in me is dead, and the original. Marriage is dead too... But you know it's also how to you look at things.

Lamenting my old marriage is pointless. I was not happy. I was miserable. I found it culminated into (like you said) a choice. Step back a second though.

What brought me there? It's not like I 100% brought myself there.

No my marriage is dead. But, I am still married. In fact, I'm lucky enough to say I GET to have another one with the woman that I love. I did break her trust, and I might spend the rest of my life making things better, but at least I GET to be with her.

Now, just as an aside here, I'm not trying to be mean here, but if my wife approached everything the way you are here... And kept it up, would I have come back?

Would you?
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Robin1971
I 100% agree with catmommy!!!! Kal if you were not happy you should have left not cheated, but no reason to go there now.  my husband killed me inside, he killed what i knew of him.  when he tries to hold me now i feel like he is a stranger.  i am trying to fall in love again BUT it will be a different man now.  he will look the same, skin, eyes etc, but inside he is a different man the one I knew for 22 yrs died the minute he decided to sleep with another woman.  and in the process of this sleezy act, he killed me along side of himself. I am not sugar coating anything here.  it is a horrible thing.  we all have to accept it, ones who were cheated on and the ones who chose the sleezy route of climbing into bed with someone other than their spouse.  we all must accept it because we can not turn back time. i am sure time will help, counseling will help, prayer.  does the marriage have to die???? i am hoping mine will not if he is strong enough, if i am strong enough, if God shows us the way.  but it will never be the same marriage. 
i do have to say that although there was not a funeral per say and no bodies to be buried, i know that inside i  myself have died on April 7 2015
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Kalmarjan
Robin1971 wrote:
I 100% agree with catmommy!!!! Kal if you were not happy you should have left not cheated, but no reason to go there now.  my husband killed me inside, he killed what i knew of him.  when he tries to hold me now i feel like he is a stranger.  i am trying to fall in love again BUT it will be a different man now.  he will look the same, skin, eyes etc, but inside he is a different man the one I knew for 22 yrs died the minute he decided to sleep with another woman.  and in the process of this sleezy act, he killed me along side of himself. I am not sugar coating anything here.  it is a horrible thing.  we all have to accept it, ones who were cheated on and the ones who chose the sleezy route of climbing into bed with someone other than their spouse.  we all must accept it because we can not turn back time. i am sure time will help, counseling will help, prayer.  does the marriage have to die???? i am hoping mine will not if he is strong enough, if i am strong enough, if God shows us the way.  but it will never be the same marriage. 
i do have to say that although there was not a funeral per say and no bodies to be buried, i know that inside i  myself have died on April 7 2015


I know what you are saying. I feel you.

One thing to remember is that the man you knew is not dead. Your idea of who he is that is dead. No one has been murdered, just your attachment to what you thought was the case is.

The question going forward is how do you proceed?

In my case, I will always be on guard. I'll make sure I don't go there. Yes, my marriage is dead. Honestly, I am happier with this new, strong Ger marriage though. The one where I am not afraid to be me, to be more intimate with my wife.

I'm not proud on how we got there, not by any shot. But, without all the attachment, we can focus on us. I know I definitely don't take our marriage for granted anymore.
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Shayla
Kalmarjan wrote:
catmommy wrote:
 
An affair is a murderer.....it kills the person you fell in love with and it kills you, the person you were before D-Day.  At times it feels like I was standing at a closed door, I didn’t try to open the door I just stood there....then slowly the door opens and all you see is black and then a hand slowly comes out to pull you into the darkness...you just stand there. You do not resist because you have lost control, your choice has been taken from you to enter or not....so you are pulled into a place you don’t want to go a place someone else has made for you, and you find out the place is called “THE JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY AND SURVIVAL”.  I’m told you are in control of how you deal with the darkness in Discovery.  There are miles and miles of books, weekends, DVD, etc. to help you through this journey.  What you are not told, I’ve discovered is (no pun intended)....the person you fell in love with died the moment he/she made the conscience decision to cheat.  So, now you are in mourning for two people, the person you fell in love with and the person you were when you fell in love.  At the end of your mourning the death of the two people you were the closest, you are given a new title “SURVIVOR”. No, not like the popular television show with cheers and applause and a big monetary prize.  You are not out of the the darkness yet.  Now you are expected to fall in love with a stranger.....if you are to continue on with the marriage. 
A bit strong. "Rape" was pretty strong to me. This is a bit much for me. I am the same person I was before the affair. In fact, despite the nasty and bad that happened, I can truly say that yes, I have changed and looked inside myself to enact a change in my behaviour, but I am not dead. I can also say that my wife is not dead either. Maybe her trust in me is dead, and the original. Marriage is dead too... But you know it's also how to you look at things. Lamenting my old marriage is pointless. I was not happy. I was miserable. I found it culminated into (like you said) a choice. Step back a second though. What brought me there? It's not like I 100% brought myself there. No my marriage is dead. But, I am still married. In fact, I'm lucky enough to say I GET to have another one with the woman that I love. I did break her trust, and I might spend the rest of my life making things better, but at least I GET to be with her. Now, just as an aside here, I'm not trying to be mean here, but if my wife approached everything the way you are here... And kept it up, would I have come back? Would you?


I agree with you Kalmarjan. I have to say my husband's adultery has been the worst thing I've ever lived through, but it didn't kill me or change who I am at more core. Yes, I've changed, but change is part of life, we change and hopefully grow as we get older. I even believe that fundamentally my husband is the same man I fell in love with. Again he is has changed, but deep down inside, somewhere, I think he is still the same loving, kind, giving man.

I think part of the problem is my husband doesn't believe that. He's said I'm not the same person you married. I'm not sure he is willing to look that deep inside to find himself again, but I do believe he is there and I hope and pray that he can see the good I see.

Catmommy, we do have choices in this. You don't have to let it consume you. I know it's hard, trust me I do, there have been days, when the pain and the hurt has been so hard I've literally been unable to move. It can be easy to go to that dark place, there is something about it that feels safe, like if you hold onto the pain, you can't be hurt again.

There was a quote I read several years again that really got to me. “Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”—Unknown 
I've also seen it quoted as resentment instead of forgiveness. Letting go is very hard to do, but we have to do it for us.

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