Kelaine53
At 1:15 AM on Saturday, June 18, 2016 my H's former mistress started sending me a series of texts to let me know about their 6.5 year affair that had "ended" at the end of Feb. 2016. She provided "specific" details so that I would know she was telling the truth (at least about the affair) so I would believe her.

Never did I think that at almost two years later I would still be straddled firmly on the fence still unable to move in either direction. I can't allow myself to love him and I can't leave him. It is that simple. I am still a horrible mess.

We are now on our second round of ICs and MCs. He is different. Sober, honest, kind, thoughtful. But I cannot bring myself to let it affect me. It feels like I am saying to myself that there is nothing so horrible that someone can do to me that would be my line in the sand.

I want him to hurt and it kills me to see him hurt. I still fall into that deep abyss of sorrow almost daily.

Sometimes I really wish he had just left me for that b**** and had not changed. At least then I would not question my anger or my sanity.

The only good way out would hurt people I don't want to hurt.

I don't think there is a solution. I just appreciate the venue to release some of the pain.
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anthropoidape
I'm with you. 

Two years sounds like a long time but it isn't.

There are lot of knots that are hard to untangle. I think you are right to mention that sense that, in staying, you are in effect betraying yourself. 

There is probably a way through that tangle. I do not quite know what it is yet. I think it must involve a certain faith in one's own strength - recognising that you can withstand this terrible offence and that this is a sign of strength not weakness. I am not there yet. 

Sometimes my children get frustrated and hit me. It often hurts because they are strong little kids. But I don't think less of myself for taking the hit and letting it go. I am not saying that's a full answer but I think it is worth thinking over. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Vanessa
If you are still feeling this stuck after 2 years, then what you are doing now is not working for you, right?  So maybe it is time to try a different approach.  Do you think a trial physical separation would give you the space to sort out your feelings?  You get to call the shots for your healing, regardless of what your ws is doing.  It is great that your WS is actually working on changing, but you still have the absolute right to say too little too late.  Perhaps some time apart would allow you to see how much you value your relationship with WS and therefore open you up to rebuilding?
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Keepabuzz
I'm with you. 

Two years sounds like a long time but it isn't.

There are lot of knots that are hard to untangle. I think you are right to mention that sense that, in staying, you are in effect betraying yourself. 

There is probably a way through that tangle. I do not quite know what it is yet. I think it must involve a certain faith in one's own strength - recognising that you can withstand this terrible offence and that this is a sign of strength not weakness. I am not there yet. 

Sometimes my children get frustrated and hit me. It often hurts because they are strong little kids. But I don't think less of myself for taking the hit and letting it go. I am not saying that's a full answer but I think it is worth thinking over. 



The betraying ones self by staying is a knot I have wrestled with for a very long time.  I haven’t got it figured out either, but I’m still trying.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Courage
‘The betrayal of oneself’... so accurate!!! I live with my own Shame and guilt for what I have put up with.   Anger that I’m not stronger...People that knew always said that I was stronger than most and my staying and doing the hard work was admirable. Now I’m not so sure. 

Leaving is is not easy. We are fantastic parents together. when the affair and the pain aren’t at the forefront we get along very well. He’s an equal partner in everything- cooking, cleaning, laundry etc... 
Hes a great father. It’s that catch -22- I love our family unit- I would hate to ruin it. Our kids are so secure and doing amazing in their lives...I love when we do family things together. I don’t want to see my children only 50% of their lives. 
I’m frustrated in feeling that I’m just not sure if I’ll ever feel that I made the right choices on this. Oh to have a crystal ball and look into the future! 
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anthropoidape
Courage wrote:
‘The betrayal of oneself’... so accurate!!! I live with my own Shame and guilt for what I have put up with.   Anger that I’m not stronger...People that knew always said that I was stronger than most and my staying and doing the hard work was admirable. Now I’m not so sure. 

Leaving is is not easy. We are fantastic parents together. when the affair and the pain aren’t at the forefront we get along very well. He’s an equal partner in everything- cooking, cleaning, laundry etc... 
Hes a great father. It’s that catch -22- I love our family unit- I would hate to ruin it. Our kids are so secure and doing amazing in their lives...I love when we do family things together. I don’t want to see my children only 50% of their lives. 
I’m frustrated in feeling that I’m just not sure if I’ll ever feel that I made the right choices on this. Oh to have a crystal ball and look into the future! 


With a gender swap, I could've written that. 

Of course having an affair is irresponsible parenting and good parents don't do it; it's not responsible to risk your kids experiencing the fallout. But that aside my wife is a good parent and like you I love our family unit. 

I have reached a stage where I am sure I am staying only for the sake of our children, for the family unit, for my wife. Not for me (except in that being with my kids is "for me"). I mean I hope it will turn into more but I no longer really expect it. It is quite sad and lonely. But to leave would mean having my kids part time, and more importantly putting them through instability that won't be good for them at all. So... I'm stuck  
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Trinity
I am coming up on 1 year and things are worse than ever.  What sucks... Is that I hate to sound like I am a cancer survivor by saying.. Im 6 months out, Im 1 yr out, 2years ....... maybe the sorrow, pain and downright suckiness of them both are similar and NO one wants to endure either.
Hope will always be there in my heart but there comes a point when you are just being mistreated.  Plain and simple.   
Like Anthro... I expect ZERO, if I do...... it just ends up in utter disappointment and sadness on my end.  I get nothing in return from my WS.  I get treated like a telemarketer selling insurance.  Nonetheless, it continues to tear my heart out.

"T"  
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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hurting
Perhaps I am wanting too much and aiming too high... but I stay because I want a better marriage and future. I stay for the chance that I might have an even better marriage than the one I had always envisioned in my head- that I have NEVER had. 

I dont know whether thats possible. It’s too early for me to tell. But if he isn’t going to give it to me, I WILL take myself elsewhere and find what I deserve. 

I dont want to stay and expect nothing... if that were the case, there would be absolutely no point in staying for me (no kids to worry about). 

It is sad that so many fellow BS still feel this way... I wish there was a way to see into the future... 
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GingerHoneyBunny
We too have reached the point that we're able to say point blank to each other that if it weren't for the kids, no one wants to stay and see each other ever again. I was also able to tell her that I don't love her the same anymore. That I could love her as a friend, but not as a husband anymore. We can stay if we are both ok with this arrangement. Neither happy nor miserable. It's Father's day over here and I've told over the past weeks that I really don't want or expect anything from her anymore in this life. We are quickly reaching the point where there is nothing more to sacrifice at the altar of her affair and nothing more to sacrifice for as we or rather I don't see a vision of a shared future anymore.

What happened with Bourdain and Spade really affected me. I had been thinking of doing the same and have even tried putting a rope around my neck to feel how it's like. They always say, don't be a victim. I don't want to be victim anymore, but this thing will haunt me for the rest of my life. Yes, I can function like a "normal" function now, but it still haunts me almost every minute of the day. Wonder how long will take for a person to decide when to really end their lives. Even if we take responsibility for our part in creating the environment where the affair could happen, it will never be the same. It won't be better. How could it? I still don't get. Looking at the stats, it don't look good, apparently 65% end in divorce, 35% stay. And maybe only 10% get better. The rest will just ENDURE... How long do we need to endure? Or be more open minded? Adopt a don't ask don't tell policy? Neither deny nor confirm attitude? Open marriage? Accept infidelity as normal? Everyone's doing it except Me?! 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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Keepabuzz
We too have reached the point that we're able to say point blank to each other that if it weren't for the kids, no one wants to stay and see each other ever again. I was also able to tell her that I don't love her the same anymore. That I could love her as a friend, but not as a husband anymore. We can stay if we are both ok with this arrangement. Neither happy nor miserable. It's Father's day over here and I've told over the past weeks that I really don't want or expect anything from her anymore in this life. We are quickly reaching the point where there is nothing more to sacrifice at the altar of her affair and nothing more to sacrifice for as we or rather I don't see a vision of a shared future anymore.

What happened with Bourdain and Spade really affected me. I had been thinking of doing the same and have even tried putting a rope around my neck to feel how it's like. They always say, don't be a victim. I don't want to be victim anymore, but this thing will haunt me for the rest of my life. Yes, I can function like a "normal" function now, but it still haunts me almost every minute of the day. Wonder how long will take for a person to decide when to really end their lives. Even if we take responsibility for our part in creating the environment where the affair could happen, it will never be the same. It won't be better. How could it? I still don't get. Looking at the stats, it don't look good, apparently 65% end in divorce, 35% stay. And maybe only 10% get better. The rest will just ENDURE... How long do we need to endure? Or be more open minded? Adopt a don't ask don't tell policy? Neither deny nor confirm attitude? Open marriage? Accept infidelity as normal? Everyone's doing it except Me?! 


I have certainly had those “dark thoughts”. I have even been on the side of the road, with the gun in my hand. Just staring at.  It seemed the only way to end the pain. I can tell you that it isn’t. You do get better, not that you will ever forget what happened or how badly it hurt, but it DOES get better. I’m not trying to talk you into staying with your wife, nor am I trying to talk you into leaving her. What I’m saying is, either way you decide to go, it’s get easier, it gets better.  Like me, I assume that very last thing you want to do is cause any harm to your children. Using that rope will do exactly that. That would end your pain, but would transfer it directly to your children. I know you don’t want that. 

I’m coming up on 3 yrs post d-day next month. You are still in the first year.  This is a terribly long road, but I can tell you the first year was by far the hardest for me. After that first shìtaversary past, I started to feel less hurt, less pain. The sadness was very strong for the next year, but it continued to get easier. Little by little.  Year three has been when I feel I have healed the most. I’m not “healed”, maybe I never will be. But I’m doing pretty good, and I’m a pretty hard headed, unforgiving type of guy.  

I would not stay with my wife with some “arrangement”.  We were either going to fix it, or end it. I was not willing to settle for anything less than great. We aren’t there yet, but we are doing pretty good. 

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I know EXACTLY your pain, your hurt, your sadness, your anger. On this day, Father’s Day, think of your kids.  Everytime your mind goes to that darkest place, think of your kids. 

I’m available 24/7!  PM me and I will give you my mobile number. You can call me ANYTIME. It helps to just get it out!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Trinity
You are NOT alone.... I have been there too.  I was not staring at a gun or a rope but around 75 Xanax pills.  
The one thing that kept me from downing them all was I heard in my head ......  "You don't get to make this decision, it is NOT yours to make".

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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anthropoidape
I can't say suicide never crossed my mind. It was actually a sign, I now think, that I had started to see myself only as a form of shelter and support for my wife and children and so, if I was not wanted, I was more useful based on life insurance than being alive. 

But that is worse for your kids than divorce anyway so it's pretty illogical for that reason alone.

I am in my 40s. Realistically I can still find a good partner for the rest of my life any time in the next few years and not be fooling myself. At  60 I imagine I would be thinking less in terms of a life partner and more in terms of a lifestyle. But either way there would be enough to live for as long as I have reasonable health and mobility. 

The same goes for you GHB. 

I don't personally think a marriage of convenience just for the kids is worth it, especially not if you are on fairly poor terms generally. Your children are not going to thrive in the DMZ of an uneasy ceasefire. Kids are sensitive. And you would be modelling a terrible kind of marriage for them. 

You've got prospects man. If there is zero hope of rebuilding something with your wife that accords with your values then you should jump ship. Do it in a way that best protects your children and once you have established a separared parenting routine you will have a foundation on which you can begin constructing a life of your own.

I will say this though... as you have kids you have an obligation to get on good terms with your wife even if you are going to separate. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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hurting
Thoughts of self harm and suicide seem to be a fairly frequent occurance with the BS... which is not surprising given the huge trauma and pain our WS have dealt us.

While thoughts of self harm and suicide have certainly crossed my mind at my darker times... I will say this- and it applies to ALL OF US: it’s not worth it. 

Even though our WS (the person who supposedly loved and treasured us above all others) treated us like trash and we as the BS feel like we are worthless and like there’s nothing left, that’s not true. 

We owe it to OURSELVES to put our own well-being first. Once we had an expectation that our WS would put us first. They didn’t. They did nothing but lie and cheat. Their actions shouldn’t make us treat ourselves as badly as they did though. 

The affair wasn’t about us. It doesn’t define our self worth, no matter how much it may feel it sometimes. The WS has already stolen so much- they have no right to take any more. Taking your own life would be the ultimate sacrifice for their disgusting behaviour. This is a price we don’t have to pay. We are more than this. 

For those of you with children... suicide would harm them more than a divorce. The impact of parental suicide on kids is absolutely devastating... if you’re comparing it to divorce (for the kids), at least you can still be around for them. 

I will not infrequently see people who have tried to kill themselves in my job. A lot of the time, attempts do not succeed, but leave long lasting damage. When it does succeed, the impact on their families (particularly children) is awful. 

I totally understand WHY we feel this way- my own mind has gone down that dark path too. There’s often too much pain. Sadness. Rage. Suffering. Grief. Loss... the list goes on. Often, I will feel worthless. Like nothing will ever get better. But I am worth more to ME- even if to my WS I was worthless. 

If you feel it is too much and you are going to hurt yourself, reach out for help. Go to your closest ER, and/or tell your family. This is NOT a price that you should pay for your WS’s sins...
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Trinity
Hurting... AMEN to all of your points.  🙂

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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GingerHoneyBunny
Thanks for all the concern and kind encouragement guys... I'm still alive and working at my desk now. 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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