Negarcia
My husband texts that me misses me but when he gets home there is really no indication that he misses me. He doesn't try to talk and distances es himself. What the heck do I do? Just leave it be ? Why can't he try ?
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Anna26
Negarcia wrote:
My husband texts that me misses me but when he gets home there is really no indication that he misses me. He doesn't try to talk and distances es himself. What the heck do I do? Just leave it be ? Why can't he try ?



I would think that it's a lot easier to say things in a text than it is face to face.  He hasn't got to look at you while he's saying it has he?  It's like writing all your thoughts and feelings down in a letter, I'm so much better at that than saying it out loud. 
Like my husband, I'm guessing that yours just doesn't know how to broach the subject when he sees you.  He doesn't know how you are going to react.
Mine never even says he misses me - at all, though now if he texts me I generally get an 'x' on the end, where I rarely did pre affair, so that's something I suppose!

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blythespirit
I think that IS something, yes! I don't get "I miss you" or an "x". Would happily take either one. I agree it's easier to write in a text, letter, etc. than to say things face to face. And I suspect, even more so for men, although perhaps that's not fair to say. You're probably right, Anna, that he doesn't know how to start the coversation in person. I'm sure my WS feels that opening the door to conversation at this point will end painfully for him. And it probably will - lol! I still have a hard time listening to him talk about the affair, or about us, without getting angry and "throwing daggers" as he puts it. Just can't do it yet! Perhaps, Negarcia, your husband feels the same?
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Anna26
I agree, it's a lot easier to dodge the punches via text! [biggrin]
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Negarcia
blythespirit wrote:
I think that IS something, yes! I don't get "I miss you" or an "x". Would happily take either one. I agree it's easier to write in a text, letter, etc. than to say things face to face. And I suspect, even more so for men, although perhaps that's not fair to say. You're probably right, Anna, that he doesn't know how to start the coversation in person. I'm sure my WS feels that opening the door to conversation at this point will end painfully for him. And it probably will - lol! I still have a hard time listening to him talk about the affair, or about us, without getting angry and "throwing daggers" as he puts it. Just can't do it yet! Perhaps, Negarcia, your husband feels the same?


Truthfully, I don't know how he feels. He still talks and sees his AP. I think he just said it cuz he was lonely and sad but he stop talking to her. I am trying the 180 technique but I don't know if anything will work. He l says he's getting the divorce papers prepped but he is soo broke he asked me for money, I'm hesitant to give it to him because I know he spends money on her and I feel he needs to learn his lesson on spending money on her and then end up broke! I am pregnant and need to feel loved and wish I could hug him or lay next to him but I need to protect myself. I don't want him thinking he can cheat and I will be okay. He tells me I love you but I'm not in love with you but then he sends those messages.

It's frusterating because he shows no emotions at all unless it's anger.
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Negarcia
I finally asked him why he texted me those messages and I asked him to answer me honestly. He said I miss the old days. I miss the old you. He said I wish you and am did the things I do with her. It bothered me but it didn't at the same time. I asked him if we could have a conversation without yelling and he said yes. The kids were around us at the time and since he has cheated multiple times I asked him what the difference was between the 3 in the way he "loved" them and the love for me ( he's still with number 3) he said I can't tell my wife that. I said why not, you cheated and that hurts worse, he then said the 1st one nothing it was a one night stand ( she was his ex), 2nd was his coworker and he said she was fun but had 3 kids and had nothing to offer him but fun but he did tell her he loved her and sent her love poems, and told her he was divorcing me for her and thevwhole song and dance (according to him she stopped the affair after I confronted her) but I know he would of kept it going, this 3rd one because he is still in the fog he says she is different he really loves her, she makes him feel wanted and special and she really cares for him, she makes him feel joy when he is with her, he said kind of like the way I felt with you in the beginning, I was taken aback because he actually compared the love he felt for me with the love he " feels" for her but at that moment I had an aha moment, I said okay if that is the case why lie to her about me, why continue our relationship and intimacy if you really loved her, he said because I'm his wife and he didn't want to make me feel rejected but what I realized is that he can't compare the love he has for me with the love he has for her because our relationship never started on a lie, our relationship was real and true in the sense that he didn't have to sneak around even though I know about the affair and validate his lies. I knew the true person and got the real love, not the fog or the bull crap and at the end of our conversation he said im sorry im making you mad but you asked. I said no need for apologizing but I'm not mad at all, I told him you just made me realize that I had the true you. You never had to lie to me, or do drugs while with me, you were the most amazing person and I'm not mad because they are not getting that person. I did they are getting a person he doesn't even know because he is so unhappy with life and can't find happiness on his own, he thinks someone other than himself can give that to him. I told him that is why I stepped back and told him to find himself but it would be best he got rid of her becahse he needs to find his trueself, at the end of the day, if she is what made him happy I would let him go. He also made a comment on how I need to face the reality that he doesn't want me anymore and I said I understand but what is your reality and he paused and said I don't know, I also asked him how he felt about himself and if he was happy with the new person he has become? He said I have never thought about it.
It was a good conversation for me because I realized that despite his affairs he has never shown these OW the true love that I have seen or the real person that I had in my life, or even the true love he has for our kids.
It was kind of healing for me to come to that realization[smile]
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blythespirit
My children and I already have all the best parts of my WS, and we always will. He recognizes and acknowledges that as the truth. Outside of that, all that's left is the s**t that allowed his decision to get involved with another woman. Why she would be willing to settle for that is beyond my ability to comprehend. Doesn't say much about her own sense of self. Truly sad and pathetic.
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Negarcia
blythespirit wrote:
My children and I already have all the best parts of my WS, and we always will. He recognizes and acknowledges that as the truth. Outside of that, all that's left is the s**t that allowed his decision to get involved with another woman. Why she would be willing to settle for that is beyond my ability to comprehend. Doesn't say much about her own sense of self. Truly sad and pathetic.


I told him the exact thing. Why would she settle but she doesn't know any different. Is your husband still with the OW? Or done?
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blythespirit
My husband and I are separated because he continues to maintain contact with her. I do not believe he is involved in active affair behavior with her. He has also maintained from the beginning that he doesn't love her and I know in my heart that he doesn't. Why he stays involved with her is a mystery to me but I suspect it has more to do with his fear that too much has happened for him and I to reconcile, than it does with there being anything particularly special about her. Her best quality in his eyes, as far as I can tell, is that she liked him, made him feel appreciated, and that she represented distraction from the things he was unhappy about in his real life. And because she has apparently professed love to him, and divorced her husband faster than I even thought was possible, I'm not willing to tolerate any contact between them, regardless of how limited. So, we remain separated. He is still very present in our lives, however, and I'm trying to get to the point where I'm capable of talking to him about what happened without dissolving into overwhelming anger and hurt. Until then, I try to keep conversation limited to business of life and to keep those interactions as positive as possible.
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Negarcia
blythespirit wrote:
My husband and I are separated because he continues to maintain contact with her. I do not believe he is involved in active affair behavior with her. He has also maintained from the beginning that he doesn't love her and I know in my heart that he doesn't. Why he stays involved with her is a mystery to me but I suspect it has more to do with his fear that too much has happened for him and I to reconcile, than it does with there being anything particularly special about her. Her best quality in his eyes, as far as I can tell, is that she liked him, made him feel appreciated, and that she represented distraction from the things he was unhappy about in his real life. And because she has apparently professed love to him, and divorced her husband faster than I even thought was possible, I'm not willing to tolerate any contact between them, regardless of how limited. So, we remain separated. He is still very present in our lives, however, and I'm trying to get to the point where I'm capable of talking to him about what happened without dissolving into overwhelming anger and hurt. Until then, I try to keep conversation limited to business of life and to keep those interactions as positive as possible.


I am pretty sure that is where my husband is but he stays with his OW whenever he is close to her. So pretty much every Sunday night. We are not sepearted but kind of are due to his weekly travel schedule. He's home Friday and leaves Sunday but he sleeps in my son's room. I hardly talk to him anymore. Doing the 180 right now and it's hard on him. He actually talked to me a little yesterday no yelling and I told him, we would be okay with out him. I also know he doesn't love her it's the exact same thing you said "Her best quality in his eyes, as far as I can tell, is that she liked him, made him feel appreciated, and that she represented distraction from the things he was unhappy about in his real life. And because she has apparently professed love to him" because that is what he said about her making him feel joy and appreciated and the sex. It's so frusterating but I guess it's life.
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