Hi Bjacobson75 -
First - you might want to read through and edit your message. The he/she pronouns seemed really off and made understanding what you were saying very difficult. But I think I caught the gist of it. New information is always hard to reconcile. On one hand, it says they have been continuing to lie - on the other, if the information was unsolicited (meaning you didn't find something that prompted the sudden reveal) - it can mean that they are actually changing deeply. DESIRING to be more open by their own choice. That they are becoming more comfortable with true transparency - and that willingness to be vulnerable and honest - even when they fear it will make you leave... is everything. Being willing to be truthful in the face of dire consequences takes bravery. It takes integrity. It takes maturity. These are what our WSs are going to therapy to learn. not all will, but many do. So on one hand, you feel betrayed that they weren't 100% honest the first time (RIGHTFULLY). But on the other, if the honesty has come from a genuine place within them (not as a result of being "caught") than do you really want to punish them for doing what you asked (be brave enough to be fully honest)? It's like when a kid feels guilty and finally tattles on themselves for something they did wrong that you didn't know about. Do you punish them and make them regret ever telling you? Or do you let it slide because they EVENTUALLY did the right thing, which while not perfect, was still hard? Or do you take a path down the middle? Showing that you are proud of them for telling the truth - but disappointment that they made the wrong choice to start. All are valid. You will need to decide for yourself. It sounds silly. These are grown people - but many formed ineffective and downright unhealthy coping mechanisms in childhood that they are trying to overcome/change. So in this respect they are not unlike a child learning to be honest, or an alcoholic learning to cope with stress differently than taking a drink. Hiding shameful parts of themselves IS their drink. So when they share it with you - they are making themselves about as vulnerable as they will ever be. At least this has been my experience. You will need to take a cold, hard, clear-eyed look at your wife and try to decide where this new truth is coming from. Is it a healthy place? A desire to come 100% clean? To remove the final barriers to standing naked (psychologically and emotionally) in front of you? You said there had been a new level of closeness recently - this could have sparked her feeling safe enough to reveal her darkest secret to you. You will need to use your knowledge of her to determine that. However, if this disclosure is a result of something you found or appears to be an emotional ploy (distancing herself, pushing you away, making you feel bad, etc.) than proceed accordingly. That would obviously be a red flag of the highest order. I am sorry this isn't an answer - because I don't know your wife and can't judge where her motivations are coming from. Only you can do that. But if her heart is in the right place, and she is trying to learn to be more vulnerable and more transparent than before - this could be a sign that you've reached a new level in repairing and rejuvenating your marriage.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl