ConfusedInLimbo
I have written my story somewhere here prviously. I'm sorry if you cannot source it. I was a Ws first, that Dday was June 2013 .Basically I am a year from Dday with my WS who is wanting to reconcile now. He is still living on his own ( where I do not know). He comes over to visit us in the weekends or in the week. He works away so it differs. So we are working on reconciling and I have basically been giving him grace to sort himself out before he comes back home.

We have had two Ddays. First was in July 2015, he pretended to work on this with me and we went to counselling once as he works for two weeks at a time. Second Dday was in October and we had an ugly fight he left to live with relatives. We had another false make up in December in January he left because I wouldn't stop questioning him. When he left he then moved in with the OW in Feb. I found out only in June that he was no longer staying with her. I'm trying to chop the story up to get to what is troubling me right now. We are currently taking things slowly as there is no counselling involved and he is still not in our home.

Last night we went out for a dinner which ended badly. He started on the subject and said I always say he never brings it up . So I just said just tell me the truth of how far this whole thing went . He then said, very unremorsefully "I made this woman have an abortion". I was very shocked. I kept cool and asked more questions until I asked who this person is and he said he cannot tell me. He wouldn't tell me and being shocked and angered at the same time I stormed out the restaurant.

Later after I called him and he came home. We spoke he told me about an abortion, a miscarriage and a possible pregnancy.

I am beyond broken. I am so hurt that this happened and that he treated me like garbage this is what he was doing behind my back. I have lost the man I once believed in who was principled. I am actually lost and broken and I don't even know what I'm typing to ask. I don't know if I can do this. Im dead inside .
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Keepabuzz
ConfusedinLimbo,
Im so sorry you having to go through the this, I just want to make sure I understand. So you had an affair, and you stayed together to work it out? Now he has had an affair, and you then separated?

Do you talk to anyone about this? A trusted friend, family? Are you in counseling? IC and/or MC? I had never been to therapy in my life before my wife's affair. We went to MC immediately, then it was suggested by the therapist that we both get IC as well. I always thought "what's the point? Just to talk about my problems with some stranger? I'm a man, I don't need that". Boy was I wrong. Both MC and IC have been immensely helpful to me, and my wife. Even if she hadn't gone, it still would have been helpful to me. I had/have so much anger and hurt. Like you I felt completely broken, dead inside. I think anyone going through this needs a "guide", that is the best way I can describe it. They can't fix anything, but they help you navigate through it. I also talked with my Mom, since she her husband had an affair 10 years ago. She offered so much support. If I hadn't talked to anyone, I don't think I would have made it. Not that everything is all good now, but we have come a long way. I have only been involved on this forum for a few weeks, but it has REALLY helped me.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ConfusedInLimbo
Thanks Keepabuzz.
Yes I had an affair. He found out when the affair had ended. It was a two year affair mostly EA because we didn't see each other all the time and some physical parts. By explaining it like that I am in no way minimising it. Please dont get me wrong . Yes we worked it out and things seemed good as I was very remorseful and I really repented. Well according to me atleast.I don't think he saw it. He was filled with rage and at that time we were both very young me 26, him 29. At the time already married 7 years.

In any case I get that these things do happen. But my WS said this to me with pride almost. I see changes in his behaviour but I do not feel hus remorse in my gut. The AP still texts him, I was constantly wondering why but now it makes sense it's because they've screwed their lives up like this. Together. I feel like I am back up plan now to save him from the mess he has created and I am afraid this AP won't go away soon as he is riddled with guilt and you know the rest.
He is inconsiderate of my brokenness.
I do speak to a friend , my mother..but not IC or MC yet.

You cannot compare affairs they are bad in any duration, any length it went. My pain is from the bad memories of that time April 2016 where he was so mean to me. How he neglected me but busy making babies and killing them. I'm sorry if I sound judgementAl. I understand about abortion in other situations like rape, incest. But this has cut me so deep. He says that's why he's staying away from home he needs to sort himself out. He needs to also come home once he knows he's clear of any STD's. I cannot make up my mind if I am too damaged that o find everything he says hard to belive it comes from a place of remorse.

I dont even believe he loves me because he said it enough times when he was in the fog I believed it. Now he still can't say he loves me he says he wants his family. Another thing that pissed me off is he says there was notHin wrong in the affair , he chose to leave for his family. Also how he says all good things about her like she wouldn't fake a miscarriage , she never would've cheated when he was away, she was drama free , non argumentative and I'm the total opposite. Almost like he is still s******** on me even though he says he's reconciling with me.

I don't feel safe and I don't know what to Do. I want to leave but scared he will run off with her
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ConfusedInLimbo
If im paying for my sins. .okay but really ? In this manner? Images of him seeing another woman's baby scan him accompanying another woman to kill the baby. He is not my husband I married anymore
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Heidi
Confused, you sound in a lot of pain, and I can completely understand why. Pregnancy and everything that goes with it is a huge thing, and I imagine in your eyes it is something that has bonded them together. Having a baby (and having an abortion too) are life changing things. Things that most couples go through together. And you have been excluded from all these things in his life.

I don't believe this is a punishment for you. It's an awful thing that's happened, and you will both need to work through your feelings about it. There is a lot of talking to do if you decide you both want to move forward together, and getting counselling (individual and couples) will really help focus these conversations.
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Negarcia
ConfusedInLimbo wrote:
If im paying for my sins. .okay but really ? In this manner? Images of him seeing another woman's baby scan him accompanying another woman to kill the baby. He is not my husband I married anymore


ConfusedInLimbo

When my husband told me about his affairs, it was like he was bragging and happy. He had a smirk on his face and all. After he came out of his fog some what he knew he was a total Jerk and apologized about the way he expressed himself.

My husband also told me I ruined the new life he was trying to create. I was like What? I ruined your life? My husband would tell me he loved me throughout his first affair but the second one he stopped, the first one was now purely physical even though he lied and told her he was divorcing me, and wanted to be with her. This one was more emotional than physical but he also started do drugs while he was in this affair, he changed soo much, looking back he didn't even recognize himself..he still gets mad at me for questioning him because like your husband mine travels during the week.

I still have such a hard time believing him too. I'm so sorry these things are so hard.

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ConfusedInLimbo
I am absolutely shattered Heidi. I want to tell him to come home I need to speak to him but I dont know how to phrase my words or what to say . I seemed agitated that he told me truth last night. I really need him right now he doesn't get it. That I need HIM not anybody else .
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Keepabuzz
I do think think the duration of the affair can make a difference in the level of damage, although it's all terrible. If someone has a one night stand, sleeps with a coworker once and immeadiatly ended it, and came clean. That would be much easier to take than a 2 year long affair, the sheer number of lies told are vastly different. But that is just my thoughts. I have read somewhere that the length of an affair doesn't make much difference, it does make a difference in the number of triggers for the BS. I don't agree with that though.

My wife treated me terribly before and during her affair (that I knew nothing of at the time). I was just trying to make her happy and keep my marriage together. Looking back is WAS emotional and psychological abuse. We have talked many times about the things she did and said to me during the time of her affair. At first she was defensive, which triggered my rage. Once she could listen to me with out being defensive, and understand that I just wanted her to know how bad she hurt me, those went from rage sessions for me to calm conversations. One of the hardest parts of that for me is that she truly does t remember many of the lies and terribly cruel things she said to me. That's hard, to hurt someone so bad, and not remember? I tell her about those memories often p, and she is very remorseful.

I understand that he is not your husband. Looking back, my wife was an alien. She didn't walk out, but I wish she had. She lived in our house, but abandoned our children, abandoned and abused me. Completely change "who" she was. She start cursing, drinking. Like she was in her own little world. Thankfully, she is back now. She is now back to the woman I married. She is very remorseful, but I am broken, utterly broken. She does everything right, and has since D-day. My kids have their mom back, and a better mom than they ever had. And I have paid the price for it all. I pay everyday. I don't know if I will ever be back.

I would get into IC, and work with the therapist to set some healthy boundaries. You have to take care of you. That is one area I definitely failed at, and still struggle with.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ConfusedInLimbo
Nergacia I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is really really breaking me. Like another Dday
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Heidi
I can hear how frantic you are. Sometimes things are so painful our minds don't know how to process them. And it is like another d day, another shock and bolt out of the blue.

What do you need to do in order to give your mind some relief? Is it possible to just sit with your WS without saying anything? Just to have him close? Or is there something else you can do? Go for a walk, take a bath, anything that will soothe yourself.

You don't need to solve everything at once, but you do need to show yourself some kindness. Whatever it takes to get through this immediate, visceral pain.
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