Keepabuzz

I wonder if I am still mildly/moderately depressed or if this is just what life is for me now. 


I don’t find joy in anything really. I’m not “unhappy”, but I’m certainly not happy.  I just kind of go through the motions of life. I feel like I live for everyone else. I’m honestly pretty tired of it all. I think at times, “why am I here?” The answer is always because my kids need me. I need to be here to help my Dad. I have to be here to work and to provide the income for my wife and the child we have at home.  I have to be here to work to provide the income to be able to help my grown (barely) children if they need it.  


I am buying a brand new, very nice vehicle. I picked out every option. It’s loaded. I’m not even excited about it.  I should be. I should be really excited, but I’m not. I don’t get excited about anything.  I feel like I put a mask on everyday. Some days are better than others. The last few have been pretty bad. But no one knows except my wife. She can tell when I get dark. There is nothing she can do to help, although she tries. Mostly she just won’t leave me alone, which ends up being less than helpful. 


I feel like this is as good as it’s going to get for me now. Like my best days are far behind me. I have no idea how to fix me or if I can be fixed. 

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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BlindCheetah
It sounds like depression to me.  I’m not qualified to make a diagnosis but I’ve seen a lot of it.  Does alcohol make it worse?  Is there anything that your wife can do that helps?

I’ve been wondering if I’m a little depressed too or if I just need to kick everyone out of the house for a few days which isn’t very practical right now. I’m numb a lot and I’m having a hard time getting motivated to do the decluttering I finally have time to do.  

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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Crushed
I thought it was just me.  I too bought new car and I feel no joy in it. I have remodeled my house and thought that I would have pride and excitement of showing it off.  But no.  Nothing seems to make be excited or happy anymore.  I just exist.  As you do I believe it is some depression.  
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Keepabuzz
Alcohol is about the only thing that gives me any relief. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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AnywhereButHere
Are you a religious man at all, Keep? I have my children, too, and each one is a distinct blessing. But there is still a feeling that everything worthwhile on this earth has been taken from me with the loss of my former marriage. Those of us in this situation need to transcend this life, this earth, and, in whatever mode we are accustomed to, Buddhist, Muslim, Christian, whatever...we have to take hold, by faith, of something permanent and unchanging...and ultimate. While still in this life, my faith is not a way out of this darkness...but it is the only way through it.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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Keepabuzz
Are you a religious man at all, Keep? I have my children, too, and each one is a distinct blessing. But there is still a feeling that everything worthwhile on this earth has been taken from me with the loss of my former marriage. Those of us in this situation need to transcend this life, this earth, and, in whatever mode we are accustomed to, Buddhist, Muslim, Christian, whatever...we have to take hold, by faith, of something permanent and unchanging...and ultimate. While still in this life, my faith is not a way out of this darkness...but it is the only way through it.


I don’t go to church, but I am a Christian. I do pray, although not as much as I should. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Vanessa
Keepabuzz wrote:


I don’t find joy in anything really. I’m not “unhappy”, but I’m certainly not happy.  I just kind of go through the motions of life. I feel like I live for everyone else. I’m honestly pretty tired of it all. I think at times, “why am I here?”

I don’t get excited about anything.  I feel like I put a mask on everyday. Some days are better than others. The last few have been pretty bad.

I feel like this is as good as it’s going to get for me now. Like my best days are far behind me. I have no idea how to fix me or if I can be fixed. 



Keep, I edited this for space considerations but basically I could have written every word above.  Your wisdom and guidance has kept me from my darkest thoughts - when it gets bad i remind myself that i will not transfer my pain to my children.  A couple of nights ago I was lying in bed (alone as always) thinking - "I promise myself that I will hold on for 2 years after my mother passes away."  My mother has significant dementia and I need to be here for her.   

I live alone on a 30 acre farm, I have telecommuted for years so I still have my job, and I am very grateful for my circumstances.  I know I have things much better than many folks.  But if I had the choice I would choose to be living in my RV with the husband I thought I had instead of living in my "palace" knowing the brutal truth that our marriage was a lie. 

I sent a germophobe friend one of the homemade masks that I sewed for friends and family.  She called to thank me and asked me why I am so calm. (She is totally freaking out about now)  And my response was "I have no $hits left to give."  I realized I just don't care.  Whatever happens, happens.  I put on a mask of "contentment" for my adult children.  Joy, excitement, hope? No, I feel none of those and haven't since the Dday.  I have had "happy" days, but it is a superficial happy.

Dday Dec 2015, divorced since 2016
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hurting
Keep, if I had heard those words from someone without the context of being on here, I would’ve instantly thought that you have depression. 

I suspect we have been so screwed over that we kind of expect ourselves to be damaged by what happened. So maybe because we ‘expect’ to feel this way on a level, we often don’t even question whether it’s ‘normal’ or not. 

Depression can be reactive to certain events. I’m inclined to think that you ARE depressed and would maybe benefit from trying to seek help for it. Just my 2c though! 
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anthro
I think situational depression is a real thing, and it's distinct from other kinds in that it arises sensibly and reasonably from one's circumstances.

I read something recently about anhedonia. It was in a totally different context but it got me thinking; it's really the primary depression type symptom I would say I have. It simply means an absence of joy and I think that is what I experience as "normal" life now. An absence of joy. I don't really enjoy anything at all. I can still get a sense of satisfaction out of something well done, I can still be a bit motivated to do this or that, but I don't get anything much more than that.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Keepabuzz
Oddly, it makes me feel worse that I am very fortunate. Nothing has been given to me, I have earned everything I have, still yet.  Yesterday I was standing behind my house, draining my pool a little because of all the rain we have had. I just stood there in a light rain and looked at my nice house, and pool, and hot tub, and my very nice new vehicle in the driveway and thought why aren’t I happy?  People would kill to have the life I have. I have a great job, great kids, and great relationships with all of my kids. Sure, my wife betrayed me, and that’s not a small thing, but it’s still just one aspect of my life. She does everything she should, and nothing she shouldn’t. But it’s like a part of me is dead, and the only person that knows it is me.  I have told my wife how I feel, but she doesn’t really get it. That’s not a dig on her, she just can’t. She hasn’t walked my path. She just holds out hope I get better. It’s been 5 years and I feel like this is just how my life is gonna be. Broken, less than, wearing a mask everyday, going through the motions. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Crushed
My situation is different in that I am currently living alone and working on getting divorce but I have noticed that I feel lighter and not so weighted down when he is not around.  I do have moments when I feel energetic and have ideas of what I would like to do.  Not that I follow through most of the time.  But he now wants to work it out and wants to come over all the time and I just feel so dead emotionally when I'm with him. There is a part of me that says I'm throwing away 37 years of my life that I worked so hard to build, but the other side says that I deserve to live and I cant with him.  It's like trying to claw through a wet sticky pasty sheet and feeling yourself smothering.  There is no joy or excitement in the things that I used to love so much.  TV is excruciating right now his affair was carried on through phone and Skype and they advertise to use these things constantly to make connections, keep in touch, show your loved ones how much you care, they make it sound so great.  It is a trigger for me that hurts so much.  My work is wanting me to use different phone apps to attend meetings and I just cant.  It just sends me into a total breakdown.  I just dont know how to beat it.
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Keepabuzz
Crushed wrote:
My situation is different in that I am currently living alone and working on getting divorce but I have noticed that I feel lighter and not so weighted down when he is not around.  I do have moments when I feel energetic and have ideas of what I would like to do.  Not that I follow through most of the time.  But he now wants to work it out and wants to come over all the time and I just feel so dead emotionally when I'm with him. There is a part of me that says I'm throwing away 37 years of my life that I worked so hard to build, but the other side says that I deserve to live and I cant with him.  It's like trying to claw through a wet sticky pasty sheet and feeling yourself smothering.  There is no joy or excitement in the things that I used to love so much.  TV is excruciating right now his affair was carried on through phone and Skype and they advertise to use these things constantly to make connections, keep in touch, show your loved ones how much you care, they make it sound so great.  It is a trigger for me that hurts so much.  My work is wanting me to use different phone apps to attend meetings and I just cant.  It just sends me into a total breakdown.  I just dont know how to beat it.


Now that you say that, I do feel better when she is not around, when I’m dark. Of she, trying to make me feel better sometimes smothers me. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Skelling
Crushed wrote:
TV is excruciating right now his affair was carried on through phone and Skype and they advertise to use these things constantly to make connections, keep in touch, show your loved ones how much you care, they make it sound so great.  It is a trigger for me that hurts so much.  My work is wanting me to use different phone apps to attend meetings and I just cant.  It just sends me into a total breakdown.  I just dont know how to beat it.


I can understand that well. Apart from the week they were physically together, everything happened via WA and its still one of the biggest triggers for me. I tried to avoid it as much as I can and would start shaking every time I saw that my husband was online. i would question why, who.... Before the affair it never even occurred to me asking him why he was using it. It is a very painful reminder of how trusting I was and of how deceitful they were. But both of us have family and friends all over the world and those apps allow us to stay in touch and although difficult and painful, I decided that to claim this back not for my husband's sake but for my own. As I realized that by avoiding the use of them, I was restricting myself. I restricted my own contact with friends and family because I was afraid of how the use of those apps would make me feel and I didn't want to lose yet one more thing to the affair, I wasn't prepared to give up one more thing or lose control over one more thing and give her one more reason to feel superior to me. I wanted to be stronger than my fear and din't want my fear to cripple my life even more. But yes the whole quarantine stuff doesn't help and it must be really painful for you. Can't wait for it all to be over. 

As for feeling better, when they are not around. I had that feeling as well. I went on a short trip to see my friend last summer with my boys and I very much enjoyed those days not thinking about the affair.... When my husband picked us up from the airport, my body started to rebel. i started shaking and my mood sank because just seeing him reminded me of all the pain....I struggled with that a lot cause I thought my body was telling me that I was better off without him. He just hugged me and told me he was happy that I was back. I then  remembered that I had missed him on a couple occasions during my time away and that even with not seeing him, I was hurt and sad and therefore knew, that even if I should decide to divorce him, the pain was there to stay and for me to work through and I decided for myself that I want to try and work through the pain with him by my side even if that means maybe taking longer and being REALLY hard at times. Everyone has to make that decision for themselves though and what felt right for me might be unthinkable for someone else. I wish you peace for your heart.
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BlindCheetah

Sometimes having my husband around is what I need, he was so cold, distant, and drunk during his affair that when he seems to be avoiding me is almost a trigger. He’s pretty good at giving me space when I ask for it. Long walks help a lot.

AP continuing to try to contact him has me constantly checking his blocked text folder, not good for getting her out of my head. Filing for unemployment has been a mess too, The seasonal nature of my job is sabotaging the way they calculate what I get. I’m also anxious about having surgery next month and the kids are climbing the walls. It’s way too much $hit at once. 

My Dr offered to prescribe antidepressants when I was in his office crying and asking for an STD test. I declined and asked for something to help with sleep. He gave me an antidepressant that he says works better for sleep, at a high dosage for sleep and low for depression. It knocks me out fast but nothing helps from 2-3am. I’m considering taking a half dose when I got to bed and the other half the first time I wake up. 

 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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Crushed
Skelling wrote:


I can understand that well. Apart from the week they were physically together, everything happened via WA and its still one of the biggest triggers for me. I tried to avoid it as much as I can and would start shaking every time I saw that my husband was online. i would question why, who.... Before the affair it never even occurred to me asking him why he was using it. It is a very painful reminder of how trusting I was and of how deceitful they were. But both of us have family and friends all over the world and those apps allow us to stay in touch and although difficult and painful, I decided that to claim this back not for my husband's sake but for my own. As I realized that by avoiding the use of them, I was restricting myself. I restricted my own contact with friends and family because I was afraid of how the use of those apps would make me feel and I didn't want to lose yet one more thing to the affair, I wasn't prepared to give up one more thing or lose control over one more thing and give her one more reason to feel superior to me. I wanted to be stronger than my fear and din't want my fear to cripple my life even more. But yes the whole quarantine stuff doesn't help and it must be really painful for you. Can't wait for it all to be over. 

As for feeling better, when they are not around. I had that feeling as well. I went on a short trip to see my friend last summer with my boys and I very much enjoyed those days not thinking about the affair.... When my husband picked us up from the airport, my body started to rebel. i started shaking and my mood sank because just seeing him reminded me of all the pain....I struggled with that a lot cause I thought my body was telling me that I was better off without him. He just hugged me and told me he was happy that I was back. I then  remembered that I had missed him on a couple occasions during my time away and that even with not seeing him, I was hurt and sad and therefore knew, that even if I should decide to divorce him, the pain was there to stay and for me to work through and I decided for myself that I want to try and work through the pain with him by my side even if that means maybe taking longer and being REALLY hard at times. Everyone has to make that decision for themselves though and what felt right for me might be unthinkable for someone else. I wish you peace for your heart.



How did you make yourself overcome it.  Did you just keep exposing yourself to it?  Did you get some kind of help?  I'm desperate for a way to beat this   My stomach goes to liquid, my heart starts to pound,  the anxiety is awful. I feel such desperation to get away. And then the tears start.   It's not quite so bad if I am home alone but if I'm in public it's just awful.  
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