I wonder if I am still mildly/moderately depressed or if this is just what life is for me now.
I don’t find joy in anything really. I’m not “unhappy”, but I’m certainly not happy. I just kind of go through the motions of life. I feel like I live for everyone else. I’m honestly pretty tired of it all. I think at times, “why am I here?” The answer is always because my kids need me. I need to be here to help my Dad. I have to be here to work and to provide the income for my wife and the child we have at home. I have to be here to work to provide the income to be able to help my grown (barely) children if they need it.
I am buying a brand new, very nice vehicle. I picked out every option. It’s loaded. I’m not even excited about it. I should be. I should be really excited, but I’m not. I don’t get excited about anything. I feel like I put a mask on everyday. Some days are better than others. The last few have been pretty bad. But no one knows except my wife. She can tell when I get dark. There is nothing she can do to help, although she tries. Mostly she just won’t leave me alone, which ends up being less than helpful.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
I feel like this is as good as it’s going to get for me now. Like my best days are far behind me. I have no idea how to fix me or if I can be fixed.