AHmember58
My husband had a midlife crisis, seriously it was like I went to sleep one night next to my loving caring husband and woke up next to a cheating, lying narcissistic stranger. It all started a about 6 months after he turned 49, he's now 53 (I don't think he's come fully out the other side of his midlife crisis yet). The affair side of it started with him first fantasizing about different women, then he moved on to a emotional affair with a work colleague to the point where he needed time to decide whether he wanted his wife or his friend in his life.

Then when we were supposedly working on repairing our marriage, because as he said, "I know where I went wrong and I would never again do anything to risk loosing you and the kids, I know where I want to be, please give me another chance" he goes and has a sexual affair with a different work colleague. From basically day one I got all the usual words a mid-lifer will say, like ..... "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "all we seem to do is argue" (mind you the arguments were started by him so that he could leave to go to her), "I love you only because you are the mother of my children", "we've grown apart" (it was news to me), that I had caused all the things in his life to go wrong, that it was my fault that his life hadn't turned out better, it was my fault that he had an affair, everything was my fault, even things that had happened before I had even met him.

There are so many other things, that I would be writing for days if I listed them all. I also got the mean nasty, sometimes pure evil words as well, all the name calling that you can think of and even some I had never heard of before. He made sure that I knew everyday that I was fat, ugly, useless, lazy, unlovable and that he wished he'd never married me.

I went from being a strong, confident, happily married woman to a shadow of my former self. I believed everything he told me, I started doubting myself, blaming myself for everything that had happened. I lost myself while I was fighting to keep a family together, fighting for a marriage that I once had, fighting for the love of the man that I remembered him being, fighting for the life I had known for so long. Fighting, fighting, fighting all on my own.     It wasn't just the words that were heartbreaking but the tone of voice that he used and how he acted towards the kids and I that cut into my broken wounded heart even deeper. I tried so hard to protect the kids from his verbal and emotional abuse, I thought it was better that he take it out on me then the kids but I couldn't be everywhere at once, I couldn't follow him 24/7 to make sure he didn't say something hurtful to one of the kids.  He told our youngest that he wished she had never been born. What sort of person could do that ?

It was like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, you just didn't know what to expect one hour to the next. The kids and I spent many months walking on egg shells when ever he was around.  

Anyway he had it all planned out with the last OW, how he was going to leave me (wife of then 23yrs) and our 6 children to go live with the OW but she wouldn't leave her husband. So then they came up with the plan that he would move into his own apartment and she would come and visit as much as she could. When that plan fell though the next plan was that they would stay really good friends and if in 2-3 years time when the kids would be older, they still felt the same way about each other then they would leave their spouses and be together. 

It was almost like he seemed to enjoy telling me all the details and when I say all, I mean EVERY disgusting detail. From what they talked about, what they did sexually, how he felt about her and even the thoughts he had. He acted and talked as if he was a teenager with his first girlfriend and I was just someone that he could tell all about it.

Everything was my fault and the OW, well she was just perfect, she was the love of his life, his true sole mate and the only one that ever really understood him and that he could talk to about anything and everything(his exact words).  

I later found out from the OW's husband that my husband was just one of the many affairs his wife had going at that time. He told me that he had suspected many times over the years while she was working at this particular workplace that she was cheating on him but could never get the evidence to back up his suspicions, until I contacted him and told him what was going on and gave him proof. That's when he confronted his wife and found out that all his suspicions over the years were correct but the OW is that good of a sociopath that she had her husband believing that she was a victim of all these men forcing themselves onto her. I admit she even conned me for a short while by begging me not to tell her husband about the affair because he was a violent drunk and that if he found our he would beat her. I found out that her husband had never laid a hand on her in the 30 years of their marriage and that he doesn't even drink any alcohol. That was one of the sob poor me stories she continually told my husband also.

It was hard enough dealing with the damage my husband caused the children and I from his midlife crisis but to then have to deal with the devastation of his affairs is just too much.

The kids and I are still in therapy while he sticks his head in the sand and pretends nothing happened and that everything is fine. If I remind him of the things he said to me he denies it and just keeps saying that he was messed up back then. We now have a loveless marriage, he is not interested in putting any sort of effort in repairing our marriage, he tells me that things will change with time on their own. I still have the OW harassing me by prank calling me and via text with horrible disgusting messages with details or "are you sure it's over between us", "tell your husband thanks for the other day it was amazing" but it's done on a private number so I can't prove it's her. I have blocked her number but either she's got another mobile or is using a friends phone, it's been a long time since it D-day and yet she still continues to harass me, even though I've heard she has moved on to another male that she works with.

Some will ask why didn't I just leave him ........ if only it was that simple. I am in need of major specialist surgery and have been classed as disabled because I am unable to work. He was assigned to be my carer for when my pain is debilitating, he was supposed to look after me one the days that I couldn't. I have no family and no friends (I was unable to keep my friends once he started having sexual fantasies about them). Yeah I know warning signs right there with my friends. It's easy enough to see all the signs now when I think back but when you're in the middle of right you try to talk yourself out of the signs that you see because you don't want to admit or believe that this could really be happening. I had no money, no friends, no family and physically incapable of moving out as well as becoming completely insecure and scared to be on my own. When the pain is really bad I have to take very strong pain medication so at times I am unable to drive. Which means I wouldn't of been able to take the kids to school or any of the other places you can go with the freedom of driving but as I become stronger and more positive I am beginning to come up with solutions to overcome obstacles. It will be a bumpy road to get back to where I once was but I'm not afraid any more.  

Well things change and I am in the process of finding me and relearning to love me, it's not easy but I can't stay like this. I would prefer to be alone and lonely then married and lonely. I need to show my kids and myself that love might not always be easy but it's definitely not supposed to be this hard and painful, you must draw a line on what you will not tolerate and to not loose yourself trying to hold onto to someone that doesn't feel the same..       

I have told my husband that I am working on becoming strong enough in myself so that I am able to make better decision for the future regarding what is best for myself and the kids and that may mean that we move out. He continues to tell me that we have a good marriage and still asks me why would I 'want to leave and break up a family. He's so deep in denial he can't see the forest for the trees. 
Sorry I didn't mean to write so much, it just seemed to flow out once I started typing and this is only a brief version of what has happened..
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reneejohn10
Im so srry what you are going thru. Im going alot as well its tough as moms, womens trying to be urself, loving yourself, being with a man that you been with a life time only to discover that you really never known the person feels like you wasted ur life away. One day it will get better you are strong and each moment you will get thru it. If you want to you can email me. Im not sure how i can send you my email thru here if you know how you can send me yours.
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Kalmarjan
AHmember58 wrote:
My husband had a midlife crisis, seriously it was like I went to sleep one night next to my loving caring husband and woke up next to a cheating, lying narcissistic stranger. It all started a about 6 months after he turned 49, he's now 53 (I don't think he's come fully out the other side of his midlife crisis yet). The affair side of it started with him first fantasizing about different women, then he moved on to a emotional affair with a work colleague to the point where he needed time to decide whether he wanted his wife or his friend in his life.
Then when we were supposedly working on repairing our marriage, because as he said, "I know where I went wrong and I would never again do anything to risk loosing you and the kids, I know where I want to be, please give me another chance" he goes and has a sexual affair with a different work colleague. From basically day one I got all the usual words a mid-lifer will say, like ..... "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "all we seem to do is argue" (mind you the arguments were started by him so that he could leave to go to her), "I love you only because you are the mother of my children", "we've grown apart" (it was news to me), that I had caused all the things in his life to go wrong, that it was my fault that his life hadn't turned out better, it was my fault that he had an affair, everything was my fault, even things that had happened before I had even met him.
There are so many other things, that I would be writing for days if I listed them all. I also got the mean nasty, sometimes pure evil words as well, all the name calling that you can think of and even some I had never heard of before. He made sure that I knew everyday that I was fat, ugly, useless, lazy, unlovable and that he wished he'd never married me.
I went from being a strong, confident, happily married woman to a shadow of my former self. I believed everything he told me, I started doubting myself, blaming myself for everything that had happened. I lost myself while I was fighting to keep a family together, fighting for a marriage that I once had, fighting for the love of the man that I remembered him being, fighting for the life I had known for so long. Fighting, fighting, fighting all on my own.     It wasn't just the words that were heartbreaking but the tone of voice that he used and how he acted towards the kids and I that cut into my broken wounded heart even deeper. I tried so hard to protect the kids from his verbal and emotional abuse, I thought it was better that he take it out on me then the kids but I couldn't be everywhere at once, I couldn't follow him 24/7 to make sure he didn't say something hurtful to one of the kids.  He told our youngest that he wished she had never been born. What sort of person could do that ?
It was like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, you just didn't know what to expect one hour to the next. The kids and I spent many months walking on egg shells when ever he was around.  
Anyway he had it all planned out with the last OW, how he was going to leave me (wife of then 23yrs) and our 6 children to go live with the OW but she wouldn't leave her husband. So then they came up with the plan that he would move into his own apartment and she would come and visit as much as she could. When that plan fell though the next plan was that they would stay really good friends and if in 2-3 years time when the kids would be older, they still felt the same way about each other then they would leave their spouses and be together. 
It was almost like he seemed to enjoy telling me all the details and when I say all, I mean EVERY disgusting detail. From what they talked about, what they did sexually, how he felt about her and even the thoughts he had. He acted and talked as if he was a teenager with his first girlfriend and I was just someone that he could tell all about it.
Everything was my fault and the OW, well she was just perfect, she was the love of his life, his true sole mate and the only one that ever really understood him and that he could talk to about anything and everything(his exact words).  
I later found out from the OW's husband that my husband was just one of the many affairs his wife had going at that time. He told me that he had suspected many times over the years while she was working at this particular workplace that she was cheating on him but could never get the evidence to back up his suspicions, until I contacted him and told him what was going on and gave him proof. That's when he confronted his wife and found out that all his suspicions over the years were correct but the OW is that good of a sociopath that she had her husband believing that she was a victim of all these men forcing themselves onto her. I admit she even conned me for a short while by begging me not to tell her husband about the affair because he was a violent drunk and that if he found our he would beat her. I found out that her husband had never laid a hand on her in the 30 years of their marriage and that he doesn't even drink any alcohol. That was one of the sob poor me stories she continually told my husband also   
It was hard enough dealing with the damage my husband caused the children and I from his midlife crisis but to then have to deal with the devastation of his affairs is just too much.
The kids and I are still in therapy while he sticks his head in the sand and pretends nothing happened and that everything is fine. If I remind him of the things he said to me he denies it and just keeps saying that he was messed up back then. We now have a loveless marriage, he is not interested in putting any sort of effort in repairing our marriage, he tells me that things will change with time on their own. I still have the OW trying to contact him and harassing me by prank calling me and via text with horrible disgusting messages with details or "are you sure it's over between us", "tell your husband thanks for the other day it was amazing" but it's done on a private number so I can't prove it's her. I have blocked her number but either she's got another mobile or is using a friends phone, it's been nearly 2 years since it D-day and she still continues to harass me, even though I've heard she has moved on to another male that she works with.
Some will ask why didn't I just leave him ........ if only it was that simple. I am in need of major specialist surgery and have been classed as disabled because I am unable to work. He was assigned to be my carer for when my pain is debilitating, he was supposed to look after me one the days that I couldn't. I have no family and no friends (I was unable to keep my friends once he started having sexual fantasies about them). Yeah I know warning signs right there with my friends. It's easy enough to see all the signs now when I think back but when you're in the middle of right you try to talk yourself out of the signs that you see because you don't want to admit or believe that this could really be happening. I had no money, no friends, no family and physically incapable of moving out as well as becoming completely insecure and scared to be on my own. I am also on a lot of very strong pain medication so I am unable to drive so I wouldn't of been able to take the kids to school or any of the other places you can go with the freedom of driving but as I become stronger and more positive I am beginning to come up with solutions to overcome obstacles. It will be a bumpy road to get back to where I once was but I'm not afraid any more.  
Well things change and I am in the process of finding me and relearning to love me, it's not easy but I can't stay like this. I would prefer to be alone and lonely then married and lonely. I need to show my kids and myself that love might not always be easy but it's definitely not supposed to be this hard and painful, you must draw a line on what you will not tolerate and to not loose yourself trying to hold onto to someone that doesn't feel the same..       
I have told my husband that I am working on becoming strong enough in myself so that I am able to make better decision for the future regarding what is best for myself and the kids and that may mean that we move out. He continues to tell me that we have a good marriage and still asks me why would I 'want to leave and break up a family. He's so deep in denial he can't see the forest for the trees. 
Sorry I didn't mean to write so much, it just seemed to flow out once I started typing and this is only a brief version of what has happened..


Wow, in some respects you remind me of my wife. Wow, I never heard it from this perspective before...

I am really sorry for what you are going through. My wife isn't good at articulating her feelings. She has them, she just can't tell me... She has a hard time talking.

Let me tell you, seeing what you wrote makes me think of what I did to my wife, the horrible things in said, and did. I want to feel so much guilt. Instead, I use it to understand. Thank you for helping me to understand what my wife went through.

I have a lot of work ahead of me. I'm so lucky i at least have a chance. I'm going to make it good.
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AHmember58
Thank you for your reply and encouragement reneejohn10, I am sorry that you are also going through this living hell.

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply.
My life seems to have be taken over by an wild infinity roller coaster of extreme emotions and thoughts.

I thought that I already knew who I was and that I loved myself, well that's what we are always told to do and I think we just take it for granted that we are ourselves so of course we know how to do these two supposedly simple things. \
Boy-o-boy was I wrong, I'm finding out who I really am and not who he's told me I am and learning to not only like the type of person that I am becoming but also learning to love myself is one of the hardest things that I have ever done.

You couldn't have said it any better when you stated that it's tough on us mothers (I'm not saying non mothers have it easy) because there is so little time for us. There is always something that one of the kids need or somewhere they need to go, then there's their father that sits around and does nothing except watch tv and do word puzzles (but has a million excuses as to why he can't put the time or effort into his saving marriage or family unit), then throw my illness in on top and no wonder I am exhausted. I am also learning not to feel guilty about taking "me time".  


 I appreciate your kind offer with the emails but I have no idea how to send them thru here either.
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AHmember58
Thank you for your reply kalmarjan, I'm sorry it took me so long to reply.

I am glad that I was able to help you to see it from the other persons perspective and I was happy that I could give your wife some sort of voice as to what she might of went through.
I really hope things are at a better place now for the both of you.

Here are some wise words for you,
The road to recovery is more like a long journey of discovery that both of you must travel together. It is not an easy road to travel as there will be many obstacles to overcome, detours and road closed situations that you will need to work together as a team to overcome them. The end result that you work so hard for is worth every ounce of time and effort that you put into your relationship. The destination is a place unlike any that you have ever known before. 

Now if I only had a husband that thought I was worth the time and effort.  : (


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Kalmarjan
Thank you for that. It's true, my wife and I are closer than before. We certainly don't take each other for granted anymore.
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