seventy7
1574102621
· Edited
Like others have stated above, I was one that needed to know the who, what, when, where, why & how of the entire affair. Looking back on it, as painful as it has been, I needed that amount of clarity to satisfy my need for honesty. If I were to counsel anyone on this, the first thing that I would tell them is that you need to make it safe for your spouse to tell you the truths which you seek. I know that sounds idiotic, but let me explain. I made the mistake of not reading anything, or seeking any type of counseling before confronting my wife. Instead, I came out of the gates guns blazing with all of the information that I had acquired, and immediately started to threaten her that I would leave her and take our son with us if she didn't tell me the entire truth. That was my first mistake, and one that I would give anything to get back. My wife told me things that lined up with the information that I had, but something still seemed off. I had to dig around for more information, confront her with that, then I would get more details/etc. I think it would have gone better had I came to her calmly (as calmly as I possibly could have been for having my life destroyed), and explained what I knew, where my head was at, and why it was important for me to know the whole truth. Spouses seem to go into survival mode, almost willing to do or say anything to protect what is falling apart around them. They think that by keeping details hidden, it will lessen the pain of what they have done. You need to explain to your spouse that you know what he did, regardless of what they tell you, its not going to lessen the pain at all. Rule #1: Never make any commitments (to stay or go), while you are flooding or spiraling. Take the time you need to rationalize the impact of your decision and if it is truly what you want. It is your choice, not his. He lost his say in that as soon as he stepped out on the marriage. Rule #2: If you make the decision to stay or go, refer to rule #1 and make sure that it's a rational decision. Here is a quick list of things that I wish I knew prior to confronting my wife about her affair: 1. Explain what trickle truth is (or have him read about it), and why it is so detrimental to recovery. Explain that trickle truth will not be tolerated going forward. 2. Create an environment that will be safe for both of you. You need to feel safe in that he will share the information that you need. He needs to feel safe in that you aren't going to go full on ballistic on him when he starts giving you the information. 3. If you ask it, be prepared for the answer, as tough as it may be. Appreciate his honesty and try and hold yourself together (easier said that done, i know). 4. Understand that you will never understand the why or how, even if he tells you his reason a million times. It will never make sense to you because you could never bring yourself to do such an awful thing. That continues to be one of the hardest things for me, I just can't imagine doing what she did to me. The hurt from that is unbearable sometimes. You just have to learn to cope with it. 5. Explain to your husband exactly what you want to know, and the why behind it. If knowing names are important, then explain they why. I am sure that your husband believes that it will only do more harm to your relationship...but if he wants this to work, then he doesn't get that choice. However, refer to #2 above. If you found out the 2 month affair was with someone that you are still close to (family friend, sibling, etc) would you still want to know? Would it change your decision to stay or go? Is it a non-negotiable? Tell him your reasoning for wanting to know. My last piece of advice, do not use ultimatums, make promises instead. However, be prepared to deliver on to the promise should you not get what you want. Don't use ultimatums as a tactic to get more information, use the promise that if they don't share the information that you need, or if the lies continue, the marriage will end. It really is that simple...without 100% transparency, trust cannot be rebuilt. And without trust, there is no marriage. Just my two cents, I hope everything works out for you, and I pray that your husband pulls his head out of his ass and realizes what he is risking by not being forthcoming with information.
Male BS D-Day 11/1/2017 It gets easier as time goes, but the pain never goes away