seventy7
It has been a while since I have posted anything on here. I used to be one of those that would log in everyday and read the new posts and reply to posts that I connected with. However, recently I have found some of the posts a little triggering, so I stepped away for a while. 

Anyways, I am hoping that you great folks can provide some insight/feedback on something that I am getting hung up on during my recovery. We are 15 months out from D-Day, but my wife's affair actually ended about 2.5 years ago. We had our ups and downs in recovery, but the past few months have been really good. I am starting to feel a little bit more like myself and our "new" marriage is great. Sex is great, and plentiful. We talk more than we have in the past 17 years we have been married. I am still deeply attracted to her and love her dearly...but this is where the problem comes in.

Recently it seem like I have lost the lust for her. This past year, when we were intimate, it was almost primal. Not to be too graphic, but it was pretty steamy in the bedroom. However that spark has faded recently, you know that feeling of being overwhelmed with emotion when you are with the person you desire. I can't help but think that, just like with any relationship, we were in the "honeymoon phase" for the past year or so. I want to believe that we are just settling into our new normal, but I don't want to lose that feeling towards her. 

Have any of you felt this, this far out from D-Day? I know that some have posted that they love their spouse after everything comes out, but it's a different type of love. I feel the same way about my wife, but I want to desire her. I have spoken with her about my feelings recently. She says she understands, but is obviously concerned that I am beginning to fall out of love with her...which I am not. I am just getting hung up on this stupid feeling. 

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Male BS
D-Day 11/1/2017
It gets easier as time goes, but the pain never goes away
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Sorry
"Recently it seem like I have lost the lust for her. This past year, when we were intimate, it was almost primal. Not to be too graphic, but it was pretty steamy in the bedroom. However that spark has faded recently, you know that feeling of being overwhelmed with emotion when you are with the person you desire. I can't help but think that, just like with any relationship, we were in the "honeymoon phase" for the past year or so. I want to believe that we are just settling into our new normal, but I don't want to lose that feeling towards her. 

Have any of you felt this, this far out from D-Day? I know that some have posted that they love their spouse after everything comes out, but it's a different type of love. I feel the same way about my wife, but I want to desire her. I have spoken with her about my feelings recently. She says she understands, but is obviously concerned that I am beginning to fall out of love with her.."

I grew up in a family where my mom always told me that marriages had waves and it had really stuck with me. The expectation that when things change it is permanent can be terrifying. So it has always helped me to remember that The ups will come back, I just need to be patient.

When life gets busy, sexual intimacy is usually the first thing to go, because you just don't feel it. I have experienced this multiple times. My husband and I have gotten to terms with this and some days we have can go about a week and a half without any stirrings, I think there is a mutual trust that it is an "okay thing". And neither of us takes it too personally or label it or even overthink it.

Some of the things that does help in dry spells is to have sex from obligation. I know that people are probably judging me now. But quite often when I am really "not in the mood", by the time we gets going I really get into it, and afterwards I am very happy we did. It kind of kick starts the cycle. Whenever I feel we are approaching a week without this is my approach.

I know that after an affair, everyone overthinks everything. So be honest with each other. Make the effort to Make the effort and just trust that this is a wave, the intense lusty cant keep your hands to yourself will come back again. 
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anthropoidape
Sex is fundamentally not really a job for the rational brain. I think the intensity comes and goes a lot and when it is low, the best thing to do is relax and trust that it will come back. I also think having sex even without a huge amount of intensity is a good idea. For us there was a long dry spell, probably starting around the time you are now talking about. It does come back. 

I agree with Sorry, don't analyse it too much just enjoy it as it is. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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hurting
Agree, that there will be ups and downs in general. The more we stress about it, the more ‘down’ it’s likely to be...

at the same time, I wonder if what you were describing in that initial period has to do with the whole ‘hysterical bonding’ thing post d-day... 

like anthro said, the lack of intensity is not always such a bad thing. In my case anyway, it’s more about intimacy now than intensity. We probably need a bit of both types.
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seventy7
Thanks for the replies...I guess I am putting a little too much pressure on this. I am trying to do a better job of living in the moment and enjoying our new life together. 
Male BS
D-Day 11/1/2017
It gets easier as time goes, but the pain never goes away
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anthropoidape
If I really want to get into a downward spiral, sex is a good subject to focus on. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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