jjny36
My wife and mother (39yr) of my 3 children (2, 5, 7) is now in a lesbian relationship with a 53 yr old. The lady moved cross country. I discovered this July 4th weekend. I was uncontrollable. Moved out Labor Day weekend for my own sanity healing. I have come to a place of acceptance. The pain is causing me to learn. I am also trying to be home more for my kids. In the end she does not seem to be interested to work on the marriage. Appreciate any guidance?
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TimT
jjny36 wrote:
My wife and mother (39yr) of my 3 children (2, 5, 7) is now in a lesbian relationship with a 53 yr old. The lady moved cross country. I discovered this July 4th weekend. I was uncontrollable. Moved out Labor Day weekend for my own sanity healing. I have come to a place of acceptance. The pain is causing me to learn. I am also trying to be home more for my kids. In the end she does not seem to be interested to work on the marriage. Appreciate any guidance?

Hi jjny36. Honestly, it sounds like you are doing all the right things, but nothing eliminates the hurt. It will diminish as you continue moving forward, but it's a painful process, as many on here can tell you. My encouragement to you would be to make sure you have support (it's hard to do alone), including counseling if possible. 

Letting her go was what you needed to do. Who knows where her wanderings will take her? You have to work toward staying healthy for your own sake and for your kids.

Check out the free resources/downloads here to see if any are useful to you. I'm glad you found us...
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jjny36
At some point I was considering writing a letter..my stance, new beginning etc. Sounds needy which I should avoid. Have read people writing letters hence need feedback.
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TimT
jjny36 wrote:
At some point I was considering writing a letter..my stance, new beginning etc. Sounds needy which I should avoid. Have read people writing letters hence need feedback.

I'm not sure if this is what you are referring to, but the Wayward Spouse download has a suggested letter you might look at.
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jjny36
Another week of wedding and she was normal. Danced with me all night. I appreciated all the time we had together. When we got back to walls were up. I am leaving for a 3 week trip. I tempted to ask her about future, counselling, reconcile etc. before the trip. My intuition is telling me to wait. Any thoughts? Also how to communicate?
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TimT
jjny36 wrote:
...I am leaving for a 3 week trip. I tempted to ask her about future, counselling, reconcile etc. before the trip. My intuition is telling me to wait. Any thoughts? Also how to communicate?

If she communicates any uncertainty, or possibility of a future with you, then I would encourage you to let her know that you are still open to that as well, but need time away to really think about it. She needs to understand that it would take both of you committed to the process; you cannot do it alone.

But if she shows no hint of that (and being nice to you is not the same as wanting to return to a relationship with you), say nothing. The whole "being nice" stage can be very confusing, but it isn't always about wanting the marriage back again. Sometimes it is simply a genuine awareness of the nice parts of the relationship and not wanting to be the one seen as responsible for messing everything up.

I don't know her, so I can't know what it means to her, but be careful that you do not put too much hope into her actions. The only thing you can trust is her words backed up with consistent action over time.
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jjny36
I was thinking to write a letter. Not forcing the issue but to let her know the relationship issues and areas I am working on. End of the day it's my kids and family. Hard to stay quite and let her do what she wants.
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gerriwarr
Hi I'm Gerri
I found out 6 weeks ago now that my husband was/is having an affair. I have never felt so alone and in so much pain before in my life. The incredible hurt and betrayal and beyond coping with. I have been playing the role of the very desperate wife, trying to hold on to any crumb that my husband will throw my way. The last 6 weeks have been the lowest point I think in my life ever. After finding this web site, I have decided to take back control of my marriage. Instead of being the heartbroken, needy, crying wife I am going to distance myself from my husband so that I can heal. I can't control his choices or actions and so I have made the decision to get myself to a better place and then see where I am at. I guess for me the hardest part of all of this is trust. I never questioned my husband before this and loved him unconditionally. When he said he was working late or out with the boys having a drink I never, ever gave it a second thought. Now all that is gone. I don't know what is going to happen with my marriage, but I do know that I have to pick myself up, dust myself off and try and get well and use this as a great learning experience to make my selft a stronger, better, happier person.

Gerri x
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Tim2014
Welcome Gerri Sorry you're here with us but hopefully you will find the help and guidance you need from here and reading the posts! But right now it sounds like you're headed on the right path like it is said here you can't make the choice for them and the more you try the worse it is! I wonder what your husband thinks if the school found out how his career and hers would be going at this point before you make any decisions though step back and read and gather all possible information and process it !!
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