dbarnhill1957

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My husband and I have been married 42 years and on our 42nd anniversary he decided to tell me Happy Anniversary, he loved me and took me out for dinner to tell me he loved another woman and he wanted her to be apart of his life. The woman he was talking about was an old girlfriend from his childhood. He found her on Facebook and they started talking to each other. Which I didn't have a problem with.

We had been having some problems in our marriage for a while. But in July 20014 we were on a camping trip with our adult children and we had gotten into a argument. He told me we needed to go our separate ways. I agreed. I packed my stuff and was prepared to leave. When he came to me and said he loved me and wanted to work things out. So I stayed. Well things went right back to the way it was after we returned home. Not treating each other the greatest. But we stayed together.

In January 2015 we went to Florida. He is a heart patient and has COPD. So his doctor has advised him to stay out of the extreme cold. We live in Illinois. Anyway after going to Florida (Silver Springs, Florida) He had always wanted to see Key West, Florida. In February he booked us a room and we had a very nice trip there. On the way we got into an argument over him criticizing everyone driving on the road with us. The next day again he told me we needed to go our separate ways. Again I agreed. I told him if he didn't want me there buy me a plane ticket. I would fly back home. He again told me no he wanted me to stay and work things out.

After getting home in the spring. Things again went right back to the way the were. It wasn't until our anniversary that I knew anything was going on between the two of them. He has told me he has always loved me through all of this BS. On our anniversary we got into a huge argument and I told him to leave.
In which he did straight to her. He was gone for three days. After he came home. We talked and he said he didn't want a divorce. He loved me, but things had to change. I agreed whole heartily.

We decided we needed a vacation. Away from any distraction, so we could talk things out. We were about two weeks into our vacation. When I finally worked up the nerve to ask if they had had sex and of course the answer was yes. I also found out he had told her while we were in Florida after returing from Key West. He had told her he loved her. They had been having an emotional affair about five months prior to our anniversary.

He even ask me the weekend he was with her, if I thought the three of us could live together? Of course you know what my answer was. Are you out of your F--king mind? She is unhappy in her marriage and he wanted to help her out?

He has told me he is sorry that it was all a huge mistake and he loves me and wants things to work for us. And that he really love her. It was just a fantasy. I wish I could believe that to be true.....but I'm scared to death. My world has been completely shattered and I don't know what to believe. Everytime we talk about the affair it doesn't go well. I get hurt and angry all over again. It's like I'm consumed and don't know what to do?
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TimT
dbarnhill1957 wrote:
...He has told me he is sorry that it was all a huge mistake and he loves me and wants things to work for us. And that he really love her. It was just a fantasy. I wish I could believe that to be true.....but I'm scared to death. My world has been completely shattered and I don't know what to believe. Everytime we talk about the affair it doesn't go well. I get hurt and angry all over again. It's like I'm consumed and don't know what to do?

Given your relationship history, I would strongly encourage you to get counseling help if at all possible. I am concerned that you both may need some outside help to gain insight into the patterns of your marriage or else they are likely to repeat themselves, and that will not be good for you.

A couple things I would recommend:

(1) Watch and observe the sincerity of your husband in regard to two things: (a) He is unwavering in his desire for you and for your marriage. This can't be another momentary urge. (b) His willingness to address HIS stuff rather than putting the blame on you (or the marriage) for his affair. The free download "Winning Back Your Wayward Spouse" talks about these 2 "guards", if you want more detail.

(2) He should read (and you, too, to have some sense of what to expect from a spouse who is doing the necessary work of repair) Linda MacDonald's book: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. It's rather hard-hitting, but it provides a clear picture of what an unfaithful spouse needs to do if they are serious about making things right. 
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