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Mi_alma13

I’m sorry you have to go through this, especially with having children. You are not worthless! You have children who would say differently. I went back to school for nursing, and I’m doing my clinicals at an old folks home. As sad and depressing it has been, the stories these people have generously shared with me have shown me that we are resilient human beings, and you will get through this, it may not be easy but you will. This one lady I talked to this weekend was married for over 20 something years. She told me her husband had left her after she got sick and wanted nothing to do with her. She had 2 children with him and one of her children had died last year.  I ended up sharing my story with her, and we both agreed that the pain of how we were discarded was a pain like no other, but she told me she eventually had found love again. My point is, regardless of what your husband is doing, don’t waste one more ounce of energy on him. Your children and you deserve so much better. I got upset with my therapist last week when he told me I wasn’t a victim. I eventually understood what he meant. I was giving my power away and that I didn’t have to be a victim anymore, I have a choice and you do to. I was so worried about losing him. I belittled myself and let him treat me like crap even until the end. Don’t give him that power! Fight for your children, but more importantly do it for yourself! I wish I would have stood up for myself more at the time, unfortunately at the time I wasn’t fully there mentally and emotionally, plus he was manipulating me at the time, until I finally started to step out and see him for who he really was. I’m telling you this because my sister’s husband left her and her 4 children, and at the time he was so stuck in his own world and this other woman he forgot about his own children. He eventually came back, but it has been a struggle for both of them. The one thing she has told me is that she is glad she finally sticks up for herself, and wishes she had done it years ago.  You are not alone, and yes it is bull@#*$ what he is doing, but don’t let what he does determine your value! I know it’s easier said than done, but you can do it!

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CantSmileAnymore
Intellectually, I know my life has changed and I must move forward. I just cannot get past the mental anguish. He still lives in the house, and acts like life is normal AROUND OTHERS. However, he makes sure that I AM AWARE of his relationship with her, and has now planned to go see her again just days before Christmas. He won't leave the house, and says he's not sure if we can reconcile...but he won't say that he's ending the marriage. These mind games are driving me crazy. I feel like I'm in a box, and he keeps poking me with a sword to let out more blood. I have no money, and no where to go. I'm not sure I even WANT to go because he keeps saying we MAY reconcile. He keeps talking about what we will do in a few years...like where we will live, and where we might travel. Part of me wants to stay and "win him back". But he keeps running to her, and constantly says he doesn't know what he wants.
If I got hit by a bus, all this would be over. I'm not playing in the street, but I would certainly welcome an end to all this uncertainty. Believe me, I'm trying to be strong. I go to counseling. I go to church. I read books on self empowerment. I'm just not able to stop hurting. I'm angry at myself for my weakness. I simply don't know if I can do this anymore.
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Kalmarjan
CantSmileAnymore,
That's horrible what you are going through. I'm a reformed cheater myself, so I can see what he is doing to you.

Here's some good news.

He can't control. What you do, think, say, act, or ultimately decide. YOU choose that. That's what the post above yours is talking about, "Don't be a victim."

He is dangling a carrot in front of you, trying to control. The situation, because...

He knows that he is in deep Caca if you decide to leave. Initially, sure, it will be a financial burden to you, but guess what? The courts take that into consideration, and he will pay out his ass for it, especially if you have children in the mix.

I have even better news for you. Nows your chance. Work on yourself, and forget the Wanker's actions for now. See, you can't feel bad about what he is doing to you unless you let him make you feel bad. See, you get to choose.

Time to set some boundaries. In all honesty, sure, you may not be able to make him leave, but you don't have to be nice. You can be civil. He broke the contract of marriage, and you don't have to fullfill those duties. Life's a biotch for him, see.

For instance, he can talk up a storm about seeing his side piece, but when you hear him start up talking about your future with him, coldly remind him that right now there is no future with him.

Cut the manipulating strings from his fingers, and all his power over you is erased. Make no mistake, that's what this is, a power trip. He thinks you are stuck because of limited funds. You have to be there, so he can do whatever he wants. He's in a dreamland, and his ego is probably sky high right now.

Don't spend your energy on him, spend it on you.

This is called the 180.

There are a lot of resources here for you. Take the time to read them. Read through the threads here. There's a lot of good stuff, and I'm sure, while it may trigger emotions on your part it will give you the tools to help yourself, and free yourself from the manipulation you are currently going through.
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Anna26
CantSmileAnymore wrote:
Intellectually, I know my life has changed and I must move forward. I just cannot get past the mental anguish. He still lives in the house, and acts like life is normal AROUND OTHERS. However, he makes sure that I AM AWARE of his relationship with her, and has now planned to go see her again just days before Christmas. He won't leave the house, and says he's not sure if we can reconcile...but he won't say that he's ending the marriage. These mind games are driving me crazy. I feel like I'm in a box, and he keeps poking me with a sword to let out more blood. I have no money, and no where to go. I'm not sure I even WANT to go because he keeps saying we MAY reconcile. He keeps talking about what we will do in a few years...like where we will live, and where we might travel. Part of me wants to stay and "win him back". But he keeps running to her, and constantly says he doesn't know what he wants. If I got hit by a bus, all this would be over. I'm not playing in the street, but I would certainly welcome an end to all this uncertainty. Believe me, I'm trying to be strong. I go to counseling. I go to church. I read books on self empowerment. I'm just not able to stop hurting. I'm angry at myself for my weakness. I simply don't know if I can do this anymore.



Cantsmile...you sound so like me it's unreal!  Although my husband and I are separated right now, he's still deliberating about what to do.  He can't commit to reconciling but he doesn't seem to want to end the marriage either. The trouble is he works at the same place as her and so sees her quite often.  The other day he was here and I asked him if he thought he would feel clearer about things if he didn't see her, like, if she didn't work there (please God!) and he admitted that he thought he might, so I reminded him that that was why I'd been banging on about no contact for all this time!  I also said that I though part of his problem was that he was burying his head in the sand and that by staying where he was, he wasn't actually facing up to anything and trying to solve the problem. He needs to grow a pair and commit one way or the other and he just cant do it.  Originally I'd asked him to leave because I knew the affair was continuing.  Now, I can't be sure it's not, but we seem to have got to the point where the longer we stay apart the harder it might be to get back together, not insurmountable, but would take some adjusting to once more, for both of us.

It wasn't that long ago that I'd completely had enough and told him that after Christmas I would be looking into a more permanent arrangement as regard to the separation.  I felt I wanted to have all our finances separate and be on my own.  Now I find it's swinging back the other way because at the end of the day I have a roof over my head and the bills are paid,(sounds really monetary I know) so would I be foolish to make life more difficult, given that we do actually get on, (when we don't discuss the affair, but that is something that I don't know if we will manage to resolve completely).

I have to admit that there are times when I don't actually care if he never comes home, and then I see him again and know that I would really miss him if he wasn't there.  I think it's because I know that there is still affection between us and to me that says there may be something salvageable, but I don't know if I can reconcile to the fact that there still seems to be a great deal of feeling for her.  But in general right now, I feel that if there was the slightest chance that things would work out for us, then I should hang in there, and in the meantime, just get on with my life the best way I can.

I do feel for you because it's like mental torture, all the uncertainty, and all I can suggest is that you set your boundaries, tell him why things are not acceptable, and then TRY and push all of his shenanigans to the back of your mind. Let him make his own mistakes, but don't let him drag you down with him.  Focus on you and show him that you are getting on with your life with or without him.
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CantSmileAnymore
Thank you Kal and Anna. You are my only ties to reality at the moment. You simply don't know how much I appreciate your help right now. This is the darkest moment of my life. Thank you for being there.
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Anna26
CantSmileAnymore wrote:
Thank you Kal and Anna. You are my only ties to reality at the moment. You simply don't know how much I appreciate your help right now. This is the darkest moment of my life. Thank you for being there.


Cantsmile:  I forgot to say in my earlier post that my husband keeps using the 'we' situation too...  and it's soooh frustrating when you think to yourself 'well actually mister, there isn't a we, it's you and her'!
As the late Princess Diana once said, 'There are three of us in this marriage, it was a bit crowded' , and there are so many of us who know just how she felt.

But I still get, 'we could decorate the hallway, or do something in the garden', and what annoys me is that I don't feel that 'we' can move ahead with anything, all the time he is in cloud cuckoo land.

And I don't think it really matters what point you are at in this 'reality' we are forced to live in. There are times when I can see no future at all, and times when I don't really care and take each day as it comes.  All we can do is move with the wind so we bend instead of breaking...

Hope you are feeling a little better today...
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CantSmileAnymore
He left yesterday to visit her again. No apologies or excuses, just said he wanted to see her, and would be back on Christmas Eve. I feel so awful. I'm trying so hard to "heal" but he keeps rubbing my face in this...and then I feel like I'm back at ground zero. Spent the whole day trying to keep busy, but keep breaking down in tears. I can't find any peace. The thought of him making love to her is driving me insane.
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Anna26
CantSmileAnymore wrote:
He left yesterday to visit her again. No apologies or excuses, just said he wanted to see her, and would be back on Christmas Eve. I feel so awful. I'm trying so hard to "heal" but he keeps rubbing my face in this...and then I feel like I'm back at ground zero. Spent the whole day trying to keep busy, but keep breaking down in tears. I can't find any peace. The thought of him making love to her is driving me insane.



I think it's time for you to make a stand and tell him in no uncertain terms ( if you haven't already) that you are not prepared to put up with his behaviour any longer.  My husband was still seeing his AP while living with me, and it was something that I couldn't tolerate, so I asked him to move out.  I'm not saying that this is what you should do, that choice is for you to make, and in any case, your husband may refuse point blank to do this.  But what I am saying is that I think you need some space to give yourself a break from the continual emotional wear and tear that his behavior is causing.  Wherever you can find it. Are you able to go away on your own somewhere, perhaps to friends or relatives? You need a break.  I can't quite remember your full circumstances and commitments right now so you will have to bear with me if I've misunderstood something. 

You say you are trying hard to heal, I don't think it's something you can try hard to do.  I think it's something that happens on it's own when the circumstances change, and all the more so when it's aided by a spouse who is both remorseful and wanting to help you heal.
You do not have to and more importantly SHOULD not have to put up with his current behaviour.

It sounds like it's going to be a difficult Christmas for you, but when you can, do what you want to help yourself feel a little better.  And in general, don't wait for him to be around.   If you want to do something in the future, do it, for you. Go on a night out with friends - without him, or treat yourself to something that you wouldn't normally do.  When you focus on yourself,  you will feel all the better for it.

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Guiltguilt
There's being in the fog, then there's this.

It takes two to want recovery. This bloke is seemingly rubbing it in your face with malice. There is no healing in this situation.



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CantSmileAnymore
Anna,
My parents are both dead. I have no where else to go. I asked him to leave once before, and he replied that he owned the house, so I should get out. In my state, even though the house is in his name, it legally belongs to both of us. He cannot legally force me out, nor can I force him out.
My therapist and my children don't understand that I still love my husband (the man he used to be) and want to salvage our life together. I realize it won't happen unless my husband wants that too. His behavior lately would indicate that he does not. However, he TELLS me that he does. There is a big disconnect from what he says and what he does. This makes me very confused.
I live in fear of his decision to leave me, and allow him to flaunt his affair because he told me I won't like his decision if I pressure him for an answer. I hate myself for being so weak.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
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Anna26
CantSmileAnymore wrote:
Anna, My parents are both dead. I have no where else to go. I asked him to leave once before, and he replied that he owned the house, so I should get out. In my state, even though the house is in his name, it legally belongs to both of us. He cannot legally force me out, nor can I force him out. My therapist and my children don't understand that I still love my husband (the man he used to be) and want to salvage our life together. I realize it won't happen unless my husband wants that too. His behavior lately would indicate that he does not. However, he TELLS me that he does. There is a big disconnect from what he says and what he does. This makes me very confused. I live in fear of his decision to leave me, and allow him to flaunt his affair because he told me I won't like his decision if I pressure him for an answer. I hate myself for being so weak. I don't know how much more of this I can take.



I'm sorry to hear about your parents, I empathise with you here because it feels like you have no-one  to turn to doesn't it?  My own father passed away 30 years ago and my mother has a lot of problems with depression and anxiety, so I felt I couldn't go to her with things.  The two main friends I had both lived quite far away at the time it all came out so we could only speak on the phone or email each other.  But for me, it sufficed. I had nowhere to go either,(and not enough finances to do it) but like a lot of people on here say, why SHOULD  the BS move out really?  It just sometimes feels like you just want to get a million miles away from it all and be on your own. 
I suppose what I meant really is that even a day or two's break somewhere for you would have been beneficial.

I don't understand the behaviour of my husband either.  He shows no inclination to want to reconcile, but neither does he seem to want to give up the marriage completely.  I sometimes think that for him it's some kind of safety net, he's actually too scared to step out of it in case it all comes crashing down around his ears.  In fact this afternoon he came to see us all and we ended up arguing after a bit of a difference of opinion.  He was coming for Christmas dinner and the last thing he flung at me was that he wasn't going to come.  Which makes things kind of difficult as my mother is coming too, and as yet, she doesn't know of our problems at all. Again, I've felt it better not to tell her until I really have to.  So I'm guessing that Christmas is now going to be a bit dismal.

You're right, things won't change unless your husband wants them to, as someone else said, you can't do it all alone.  You can't make the decisions for him or control his behaviour.  But you do have control over what is and isn't acceptable to you and can gently and firmly put your boundaries in place, and then focus on you. Don't press him for answers, let him come to you. The best thing you can do is look after yourself and your children and let him see that you are getting on just fine without his input.  I know it isn't easy for you right now, but one way or the other things will change and then your path will become clearer.
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