Things had actually gotten a little better for me. I've decided to give my marriage another chance. I have slightly more self control. I'm accepting that the affair happened but today, I feel so alone. I decided to bring the kids to my moms to stay for I'm unsure how long. I'm tired of feeling expendable and disappointed. I pour out my heart to my WS in person and he sighs with frustration. I send him a message laying out al of my thoughts and feelings. How alone, insignificant and, well, expendable I feel, and he acts as though I sent him nothing. Continues on as though I've said nothing. At this point that's the most hurtful thing. That I can't even get the reassurance I need. I know it's only 8weeks out and he doesn't have al the answers but is he even looking? Why does it seem that this is only a priority to me? Why do I have to be the one sitting here to suffer with his mistake? If it was his suffering he may not drag his feet so much.
Tonight I told him that I saw no reason to have a conversation with the him as though things are normal if he can't even acknowledge my messages, feelings. What I get is one word, "fishing." As in the information about anger that Tims web site sends out. So I told him that I was tired of begging, and I am. I'm tired of begging to be acknowledged emotionally. I'm tired of the frustration and sighs, or even worse, complete silence when I try to talk about my thoughts and feelings. It's too hard to be around him and continually ignored. At least this way I don't have the expectation that he may be able to provide reassurance because he isn't here. So when I told him that I was going to my parents and why...he hangs up on me. That's it. One more action to show me how little he cares for me. How little I matter to him. I'm tired of hurting, feeling alone and forgotten. I can't chase him anymore. I can't force him to want to reassure me and I can't be in this situation without it.
Quote 0 0
I am sorry that you are in this situation. I can shed some light as to what a WS thinks during this...

My wife did the same as you. She begged, pleaded, tried to guilt me into working on things. This naturally made me angrier, because I had constructed a story for myself about how manipulating my wife was. How she always had her way, everything had to be her way, she was always right, etc.

Honestly, it was when my wife gave up on me and turned around and worked on herself that I really began to take notice.

I guess I thought that I could always just go back, nay, I didn't want to. But to have the option taken away? That hit me the hardest.

When my wife started showing me that she could get along just fine without me... that's when I finally took my head out of my ass and saw what was happening.

Then I took the initiative. It was me who looked towards how she could heal.

It could be that your husband doesn't know how to process what you are saying to him. Because he is stuck in a limerance. The fog, if you will. So what he doesn't understand will frustrate him and make him angry. I am guessing this based on his one word dismissal to you. "Fishing"

Work on you. He'll take notice. The worst that can happen is you lose him, but at least you will be okay. What will probably happen is he will smarten up, unless he is the dumbest guy on the planet. That's the thing about us, we always want what we can't have.
Quote 0 0
Thank you providing insight Kalmarjan. It's been 8 weeks since DDay and he has been trying. He has no clue how to handle emotions. They're completely foreign to him. At this point I feel that I'm tolerating enough negatives and don't want one more. It's such a mess. My 4 year old wanted to come home and given the situation, I couldn't make him stay away from his home and disrupt his since of comfort. I know that I won't continue to be in a situation like this. I'm done chasing. I'll be fine either way.
Quote 0 0
We are nearly six weeks since discovery. Although, I can't really call it discovery because I didn't have a clue. He admitted it to me. It wasn't easy for him but he did do it. And he answered every question I had honestly right then and there. The only things he didn't want to do was give me her name or end the affair (although, I found out later that she had already ended it-it was two weeks long). He also said he wanted a divorce but wanted us to remain good friends and was insistent on making sure I was well taken care of. He even insisted that I spend Christmas with him and his family. Now, during this time, he was still texting her, which when I look back on it makes sense. Why? Because he was in the fog and because I was an emotional mess. I was bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I was pleading and begging for him to cut it off and be with me. I could also see an internal struggle was raging inside him but I didn't know how to reach him. We did two counselling sessions where he was very emotional and I was quite stoic.

And then something in me changed. I realised that if he really didn't want our marriage, I was an idiot to ask him to stay because I deserved better. I gently told him one night whilst holding his hand and looking straight into his eyes that he could have the divorce. That I wouldn't fight him and that he could be free to do as he wished. That I would remain his friend but that I would need time and space to be able to do that. I meant every single word. The next morning, I was actually a bit cheery and he was trying to find a reason to stay but I told him to go (he had barracks to go to) and have some space like the counsellor suggested.

For the next few days, he spent time on his own and spoke to some very close friends. I've seen some of those FB conversations where he said I would be living with him (we haven't lived together for a very long time due to the military) but he wasn't optimistic that it would work out. He then defriended her on FB. As those days went by, I left him be and took space for myself. He contacted me several times a day via text and then started to call me in the evenings. He then told me he would be home for the weekend. Since then, his actions say a lot. The next time he was home, he handed me his phone and told me I could delete her contact info. He's removed all passwords off of his phone, iPad, etc and I can have access whenever I like. He speaks of changes that we both need to make and he also speaks of the future in a positive light. I have had moments when he is away during the week where I wonder what he is up to if I don't hear from him for hours. And I've freaked out on him and become someone I'm not proud of. But he has been calm, not angry, totally understanding of my feelings and always provides proof that he is doing what he says he is should I ask for it. I have more freak outs because the AP is at the same posting he is at and in the same unit so seeing each other is often unavoidable; but, he has said that it is more than over with a line drawn under it and that's it. They don't speak unless work related and that is very, very rare as they now work different shifts at hospital (as requested so they would not come in contact). A couple of times he has said that I am nagging him but that is when the conversation becomes hard for him and his guilt is obvious.

This weekend, he said that he had a picture that he took of me (I guess secretly because I don't remember) over Christmas on his phone. That he keeps it just for himself as a reminder because in that picture, I look completely and utterly broken. And that is his reminder that he did that to me. That the broken women in that picture is all his fault. He even said he had been driving back to barracks, pulled over, and looked at the picture and cried. This is a man that has never really spoken about emotions but he is doing so now. It isn't easy for him and I see the struggle there. Why am I telling you all this? Because your husband is probably struggling as well. He is suffering as well. He is probably lost himself and trying to makes sense of all this. Some people begin to process sooner than others. Some aren't able to process without help so it may be worth looking into either marriage counselling or individual counselling. My husband often says that he needs that 3rd party to help put things in perspective because otherwise, he overthinks things and gets himself into a muddle and then starts to believe that muddle. 

I know this hard for you, believe me, I do know; but, you will have to start looking at your husband with empathy and understanding. It may be by doing that, you help him understand whilst also pulling him back into an emotionally intimate space with you. My husband is trying. He is really trying but I don't have all the emotional things I need right now, either. I would like the sweet text messages and the declarations of "I miss you" but as he said, that takes time. Partly due to his guilt, partly due to his coping mechanism where he is shutting off difficult feelings whilst he is at barracks just to make it through the next two weeks before we move to his new post. I can't recommend counselling enough. We haven't had another session since we agreed to reconcile but we need to. I think you and your husband may need that space to be able to communicate where you are both at. Maybe he needs that 3rd party to put things in perspective, too. 

The other thing you need to remember is that it is going to be hard. It is going to hurt. It is going to feel like nothing he does is enough for awhile. It is going to feel overwhelming and impossible. I have days where I am so positive about the future and then I have days where I feel like there is no future. This is normal. I love my husband deeply and it is because of this deep love that the betrayal is so horrible. And why my emotions are on a roller coaster throughout the week. Yet, he is trying. His actions speak volumes and despite my issues with trust right now, I am doing my best to trust those actions. The best thing I've heard regarding all of this is that the marriage you had before is over. Now the two of you can build a new better marriage, together. 

Hang in there, dear one. Take it one day at a time and don't be afraid to ask for help. 
Quote 1 0