JKoloseik
After WH's affair in 2016, he moved us 2000 miles away from my family and friends. I truly believed it was the right thing. But then he began online affairs and porn. I suspect he's had a secret porn/online relationship addiction all along. All discoveries were not confessed. In fact, since the affair three years ago, there were never any confessions. I learned about all of them even the affair. Healing was never really his priority. I believe he wanted to, but Judy didn't know how to escape his shame, which is self-centered. Slowly I succumbed to a deep depression, suffered panic attacks, ended up on anxiety meds, and suffer the worst dreams. PTSD, trauma from each new discovery. He had talked about separation a lot recently, but with the lack of any real healing or remorse, I found it difficult to believe he was wanting to leave to get better. I told him I believed it was the wrong thing to do. That we need real counseling. He moved out two weeks ago, and I had been right. He was having another relapse. I told him goodbye. I have taken on a second full time job so that I can get back home to mmt family after three years. But suddenly he seems to be trying. I have my doubts it'll stick. But I just don't know. He's started group therapy for porn, he's confessed things for the first time ever, and he's more involved with his AA team and accountability meetings. I still haven't seen remorse though. He sys he's working on empathy, but he's led a selfish life so long; well, I keep waiting for some dramatic miracle of realization, I guess. My son gets married in June, and I plan to work 80 hours for the next five months so I can move back. I'm just so confused, lost, lonely, and depressed. I do nothing but sleep. I know that this second job will force me to stay out of bed. It gives me a sense of purpose, and since I'll be working with intellectually disabled adults, the service aspect will help pull me out of the introspective depression. After all, depression isn't much different than shame, they are  both self-centered. He texts me every day that he will fight for us, but like I said, it's only been two weeks. Why do I still hope and believe? How do I let go? June will come, and who knows what will happen. But if he actually does continue putting in the work, how do I know? Is there always remorse? I mean, if that doesn't happen, does that mean all his efforts are just "works" and not real? I'm lost, afraid, and lonely. Part of me wants to just stay with him out of fear, but I know I can't continue on like this. I'm too exhausted from the constant "new traumas" to get better if he's around, yet, I miss him. I don't get it. Come June, decision time, how will I know?
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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Experiencethedevine29

Oh bless you, it’s such a struggle when you don’t want to leave an old life to make a new one for yourself, but you CAN do it.

look up codependency and see if that speaks to you. 

Fear of the unknown can be crippling, but try not to let that keep you from a life free of a thousand ‘what ifs’.

He can talk himself blue in the face, but as you say, he’s doing nothing right now to back up his promises. You carry on with your plans to go home and to your sons wedding. Focus on fulfilling your goal and never mind what he does. If he acts on his words, you’ll have your answer without having to chase him for it, and if he sits on his laurels feeling sorry for himself and doing nothing then what have you actually lost? BAGGAGE.....

Let him do the work or not. You focus on YOU. 

ETD 🌻

Expectation is the root of all heartache.. ’Will Shakespeare
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ThrivenotSurvive
^^^that is EXACTLY right^^^
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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JKoloseik

Oh bless you, it’s such a struggle when you don’t want to leave an old life to make a new one for yourself, but you CAN do it.

look up codependency and see if that speaks to you. 

Fear of the unknown can be crippling, but try not to let that keep you from a life free of a thousand ‘what ifs’.

He can talk himself blue in the face, but as you say, he’s doing nothing right now to back up his promises. You carry on with your plans to go home and to your sons wedding. Focus on fulfilling your goal and never mind what he does. If he acts on his words, you’ll have your answer without having to chase him for it, and if he sits on his laurels feeling sorry for himself and doing nothing then what have you actually lost? BAGGAGE.....

Let him do the work or not. You focus on YOU. 

ETD 🌻




Yes, I know all about codependency. Unfortunately, that's not what I have. I have a slightly different, slightly more scary version of a behavioral issue called enmeshment. Most people and nearly every counselor I spoke with think it's the same thing. Two counselors knew the difference immediately, one being a trauma counselor who was amazing. Sadly, I can't afford her anymore. She specialized in EMDR therapy, and it helped tremendously. 

I really like your advice; thank you. 
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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Cam28
You should work on your own healing.  I think that moving back near your family is the right thing to do.  You'll get the support and love you need.  Right now you should put yourself first.  You may find that once you are stronger and more confident in yourself, you won't even want him anymore.

Good luck!
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