Ohnobugzilla Show full post »
Fionarob
Ohnobugzilla,

Regardless of all the differing views on this thread, one thing is coming across very loud and clear.  Nobody thinks you should wait for this man, be with this man, trust this man, give this man what he wants from you, hope this man might one day choose you.  Every single one of us can see with 100% clarity that you need to walk away from this situation and never look back.

Hard as it is to hear, the truth is as others have said - if this man really wanted to be with you badly enough, then he would, nothing would stop him.  Yes, it's complicated, yes there are apparently obstacles that are making it difficult for him.  But ultimately, people do what they want to do.
My ex was no doubt telling his AP the same, that he really wanted to be with her but couldn't bear to leave his children, that it was too difficult.  At the same time he was telling me that he didn't ever want to end up with her, that he would choose me over her every single time.  And he did choose me every time............whenever I discovered the affair was still going on, he would end it with her, and choose me.  He also attended couples counselling with me.  He wanted to stay with me.  The trouble was he just could not end the affair, he was addicted to her.  So after a few weeks he would start the affair again, and she would let him. 

So what happened?  I eventually made the decision for him and I made him leave.  He could no longer 'choose me', I took that option away.  I believe your man is the same.......the only way he will end up choosing you is if his wife makes him leave, if she decides she can't take it any more, if she realises that she deserves better.  And what does that make you?  The fall-back plan.  He ends up with you by default.  Is that what you want?

See this as a fresh start, the first day of the rest of you life.  Be the stronger person and step out of this awful, dysfunctional triangle.  I hope the counselling really helps you gain some clarity and distance from the situation you are in.  And stay on this forum, even if it's just as a distraction while you are feeling tempted to reach out to him or you are missing him.  We all want you to make the right choice, for you.
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anthro
Also, if you think about it... even if you were perfect for each other, there's too much damage now anyway. It doesn't matter how good you are at baking and how good your ingredients are, if somebody shat in the mixing bowl there's no hope of a good cake. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Choices72
I’m sorry to hear about how your marriage ended, abuse is a horrible thing to go through for anyone. I am a little curious that you do not see your new mates behaviour as abusive as well. Realistically if he does “ pick” you do you truly believe he won’t cheat on you as well? 
Perhaps it’s time to work on fixing your picker and focus on simply loving yourself.
Although I am a betrayed spouse and understand this was written for the other people in the forum I am not bashing you at all.
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