Ohnobugzilla
I’d like start by saying I am the other woman in an affair. If that makes you angry, I understand, but please know I feel rotten enough as it is without strangers bashing me. 

I was married for ten years, my husband was neglectful, abusive and controlling. We had two children together, and after I found out about his continued cheating last May I announced my desire for a divorce. The abuse escalated until I was forced to get a protection order and move myself and my children out of the home. 
During this time I met a man who was also in an unsatisfying relationship, though there was no abuse aspect to his relationship. He had been having affairs for years on his long time girlfriend and we started one ourselves. He became my best friend, and one of my biggest supporters when I needed to move out of my home quickly. He was there for me, even if he could only be there for me at a distance most times. We fell in love, which is something that hadn’t happened with any of his previous affairs. 
We began dating, instead of only maintaining a physical affair. I asked him to leave his girlfriend for me, and while he didn’t immediately say yes, he did say it was an option he was considering. 
Just before Christmas we went skiing together, we took his car and I lost a hair tie, his girlfriend found it and confronted him and he told her about me, but not about anything else. 
At the end of December he told me he couldn’t choose me over her, that he owed it to her to stay and work things out. I was devastated, completely heart broken, especially after everything I had been through already. I couldn’t function, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I felt empty. We maintained no contact for a short while until he reached out to see how I was doing. We talked periodically behind his girlfriends back until we did eventually meet in person again. I’ve ended things since then quite a few times but he keeps coming back, and I keep letting him. 
I’ve given him a firm deadline, and an expectation that if it’s me he wants, he needs to stop lying to everyone and be with me, and that if he can’t do that we need to say goodbye for good.  
I gave him until next week to decide. 
I am looking for insight from other “other people”, if you loved your involved person, how did you eventually stop from letting them back in to your life when it was so painfully clear they never intended to make the move to be with you? I don’t know how to say no to him, and I feel that even though I’ve resolved to leave him for good, I will likely falter if he comes back again. 
I don’t feel good helping him lie, but I don’t want to lose him either. I know it’s twisted, but I almost feel like he’s cheating on both of us, even though I know and she doesn’t.
Quote 0 0
anthro
As part of you already knows, he doesn't love you at all and mainly loves himself, and whether he stays with her or comes to you there is only sorrow ahead for those who put any faith in him.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
Quote 4 0
Kaff
I think you know he is using both of you. You want to feel he loves you
want to see him as a nice person. Thing is he is abusive of his girlfriend, he lies and cheats and uses her body for gratification , feeling he is magnificent . You likewise are selfish in allowing him to abuse her trust, use her body, deceive her heart. You wrote about your previous relationship being abusibe. You were betrayed as he cheated on you, How now can you be ok with being the affair partnet
a deceiver, someone who justifies such cruel selfishness?I think you need to get a check of yourself, see this man as a cheat and coward, the same as you previously had  and what’s worse for whatever you think he was giving you he actually took away your sense of right and wrong and made you justify behaving so awfully. Get away from him and get back to the you who hates cheats and liars and those that have disregard for others. You can turn your situation around. acknowlege your part in this, work on your pain not by causing pain to another. Turn your life around and find someone (if you need another) who will love and respect you and give all of himself to, not make you just another or one of.
Quote 0 0
Fionarob
I agree that this relationship is not good for you, but I also understand how hard it is for you to walk away from someone you love.  It is the hardest thing to do and so easy to get sucked back in every time. 
A few things that sprang to mind whilst reading your post..........
You say he is in an 'unsatisfying relationship' and hint this has been the case for many years and after several affairs.  Why then has he never left the relationship?  Are there children involved?  If he doesn't love his girlfriend and is unsatisfied by the relationship then surely he would have parted from her a long time ago?  To me it sounds like he is making excuses and making the relationship sound a lot worse than it possibly is.  If he was madly in love with you he would leave her and be with you.
You also say he has never fallen in love with any other affair partners?  How do you know this to be true or just something he is saying to you to keep you interested?  You are taking everything he says as 100% truthful.  But he is a serial cheater, they are good at lying and know all the right things to say.  I know you want to believe you are special to him, more than any of the others.  But this is probably not the case.
You got into this relationship when you were in an extremely vulnerable state, and the affection and attention probably felt amazing after years in an abusive relationship.  But you have to see that this is also a very toxic situation. 
Do not choose to be with someone who will very likely end up cheating on you too. 
As for the magic solution to walking away from someone you love........I don't know if there is an answer, it takes huge willpower, strength and good friends.  If there was an easy way then I wish I knew what it was!
Quote 3 0
Ohnobugzilla
Thanks for the replies. 
We’ve always been very honest with each other - to a fault even. I do believe him when he says this affair has been different than all the other ones. And he has pretty solid proof that that’s been the case. 
They’ve been together 17 years, and he started a relationship with her after she left her husband, who was cheating on her as well. She had three children at the time from previous relationships and was in an unstable place emotionally and in life in general. He said he did love her, at first. But that that feeling wore off after the first year or so. He’s wanted to leave her many times, and regrets not doing that, but after a while he felt responsible for her and like he’d do more damage by walking away, so after about year 10 he started seeing other people casually on the side. 
They did have a child together eventually, which strengthened his resolve that staying with her despite not loving her was the better option, and he said after a while he was just in a comfortable rhythm of living his life with her while seeing new women in secret a few times a month. Until he met me. 
He may have left her after the initial discovery if she was more mentally stable. She’s talked about ending her life if he left, or simply wishing death on herself if he continued to harbor feelings for me. She makes him send his GPS location to verify where he is, she checks the phone bill, and physically looks through his phone. She’s used their daughter to elicit emotional responses from him to get him to stay. 
I know everyone thinks they are an exception, but I honestly don’t think he’s a horrible guy, I feel for him as he’s stayed all these years because she’s unstable and he felt responsible for “fixing” her. And now that he’s caused an increase in instability he feels even more responsible, because he is. 
I do understand he’s done some pretty awful things to the both of us, but I do still deeply love him, and I do want to be with him. But I also need to make sure that we both don’t continue to add to the destruction of this woman’s life, and I need to be in a relationship that’s worthy of me. 
I just can’t seem to stay away, even rationally understanding all of this. I just love him so much. 
Quote 0 0
anthro
Be wary of reasoning in reverse. We want to think this way: he is a good honest person and our relationship is unique and remarkable, therefore I love and desire him.

But what is really happening is: I love and desire him, therefore he must be a good honest person and our relationship must be unique and remarkable. This is backward and makes no sense at all, but it is very common especially if you are basically an okay person yourself.

The fact is that decent human beings who are not narcissists or worse don't in fact end up in situations like the one he now claims to be in. The thousands of little decisions and choices that lead up to it just don't get made by anyone you'd want to be with.

Maybe he is just a normal decent guy in a pickle, but based on what you have written I doubt it. I think he is very toxic. It may be that you have so far lived your life without ever having somebody quite as toxic as this guy in it. People like him are not all that common, and sometimes we only have them enter our orbit when we are well into adulthood. They do not function emotionally like the rest of us do and so when we try to compute their motives and feelings we get it wrong. They tell the truth a lot but they are not truthful; they are indifferent to whether what they say is true or a lie, the statements are just tools to be deployed to get a result. They are lovely and intensely "loving" toward those they have on a string, and will escalate behaviour if they feel they are losing control over those people. Watch what happens if his usual tactics for controlling you stop working. I will bet anything that he manufactures some crisis so that you have to give in. If you keep resisting, I'll bet anything he escalates still more and soon you have a highly dramatic effort to control such as a threat of suicide. People like this always have dramatic things going on in their emotional lives that make them seem interesting and deep but that, on really careful analysis, are just further proof that they are completely self-absorbed and think that their own feelings are the most important considerations in any decision. Ask him to talk about other people and just listen, and you will find that his definition of a good is someone who facilitates and enables him, and his definition of bad is anyone who stands in the way of his wants. This kind of person has an amazing radar for neediness and vulnerability in others, and they zero in on people who will fall under their control. This is why your high level of need when you were leaving your husband made you extra attractive to him. He was able to perceive this (consciously or not) as a reason you would be vulnerable and needy and therefore easier to gain control over at only very little cost or effort on his part (he was there for you! even if it was mostly from a distance! What a gain for him at such a low invetment.). These people tend to have a few people in their orbit who are under their control to a slightly strange degreee, but a lot of others who don't like them much at all and find them a little weird and creepy. In other words most people don't want to be close to them and a few people like them more than they should. This is because people who are not so vulnerable are turned off instinctively by the low-level manipulation that is always in play. They form relationships that have issues like the one you are now in, because they are inherently isolating. You can't talk to friends about this because if you do, they will tell you to run a mile from this guy. But you know you love him and he's actually wonderful but stuck in a bind, so you have to ignore those friends who just don't understand, and in effect the only people with any input are you and him - and he is constantly playing you, so it's really just him, and that is strangely how all his relationships end up. Look now how this nice decent guy must grapple with the challenge of doing right by both you and his gf, and amazingly it turns out that to do his best, he has to keep stringing you both along indefinitely. It is very, very predictable. And if you do succeed in pulling back, he won't thank you for showing strength and making his life easier, he will confect a crisis and draw you back in, and once again he'll be in this impossible situation where he is just trying to do what's right but it's all so darn hard and... imagine that, he has to keep stringing you both along.

And none of this has to be conscious on his part; it can all just flow from the fact that the biggest factor in each decision he makes is his feelings.

All of this sounds ridiculous to you now and will make perfect sense when you look back on it three, five, or even ten years from now. Once your life has taken a serious hit from a person like this, you never look at the world the same way again. 

Also remember that everything you are hearing about his girlfriend is second-hand. You can safely assume that it is just as true and accurate as what she is hearing about you.

I wonder if you can take a step back and try to observe him carefully, give him a little less to work with as far as manipulating you goes (ie feed him less info as this enables him to play you), and assess how much of what he is saying really makes objective sense. I think you will find that he actually behaves quite predictably, and that if you identify his primary motivations as a need to be the centre of drama, a desire to control a few key other people (you and her most likely), an enjoyment of the feeling that he is the most important driver of what is happening in other people's lives, and an overrating of the importance of his own wants and "needs", you'll be able to interpret and understand everything easily. Watch how he acts when his control seems to be slipping. Watch how he acts if things seem calm and okay and he's not the centre of everything. Once you observe this a little you may be able to see more clearly that he is in love with himself, not with you. You are just a tool that aids his self-love. And you are in love with an image he has helped you create, not him.

Isn't it funny that you met this great guy who was there for you when you were in need, and he is doing his best, and yet somehow today months later your life is centred on what he might or might not do, and instead of consolidating and rebuilding from here you are unstable and can't find solid ground to stand on? Isn't it funny how he is just trying to do what is right and yet his long-term partner's life is a pile of cr@p and again all centred on what he might or might not do? Do you really think decent and honest and good people really end up in the middle of situations like that all the time?
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
Quote 7 0
Chelsea151515
Ohnobugzilla

I am in a very similar situation,


I am/was (I am not even sure at the moment) the other woman..
(for the record am not proud, no one wants to be a mistress)

It sounds like you love him, this makes it so much harder because if he doesn't feel the same way your levels of validation will be completely different.

I am not sure how long you were involved with your married partner, but I was involved with mine for almost 8 year, the past few year have been very off and on, but he always comes back, the thing is, I love him but I do my best not to let him walk all over me as such, I would certainly never tell him I loved him, although I have told him he is special, adored and deep down a good man, he is never assuming when he comes back, he initiated it every time, saying his life is boring and he needs the connection that we had (Yes, I am painfully aware he isn't saying he needs ME, he just wants fun with someone he knows is tried and tested as it were and would never betray him) he never assumes I will take him back but I always do.

This time however, his wife found out and messaged me...  there has been no contact since
I have thought about messaging him (for once being the one to reconnect) on the strict proviso I just want to know how he is, he is a very deep thinker and suffers from being a little down sometimes as a result, however after reading some posts on here I have decided against making contact, for a number of reasons.

*If him and his wife are healing I do not want to pick at the scab

*I love him and don't want him to be unhappy or have renewed drama because of me, I am putting his happiness before my own.

*His wife is an innocent party and I never wanted to hurt her (you may think that's rich coming from me now but I knew/hoped and accepted I would be the only one to get hurt, he would never develop feelings for me and his wife would .-.. I hoped - never find out and I would get to share special times with someone I had crushed on from afar for 20 years prior)

*It would mean so much more if he initiated the contact, he would be doing it because he wanted to be with me and I was worth the now bigger risk, I do think this is highly unlikely.


if he did come back or initiate contact I would like to get closure, maybe even confess to liking him more than I should, and tell him if he ever happens to find himself single I will be there, but I know my worth and I have given him 8 years, I am now resigned to being single for the rest of my life, no man would ever compare and I would never be happy with settling for someone who will always be second best to him....  I would like him to know that in a way he has affected the rest of my life but he will probably make amends with his wife and nothing will change much for him.

I do feel closure would help my mental health

To answer your question what ultimately stops you from letting them back in your life? Pride  

It is difficult, I do believe that we 'other women' have a completely different bond with 'our' married partners, depending upon the basis of the relationship, if it is just sex and fantasies, then there is possibly a darker side to their sexual needs that they would never reveal to their spouses' for fear of judgment, so there is a trust that develops and yes, we probably do know intimate things about them that their spouses don't.
If you are in love with your married partner it's human nature to hang onto any signs they give you that you are special or unique in their life so this is the barrier you need to cross.

Is it special?

Or is it only special because they are using you, so trusting you with their innermost fantasies is only through necessity  - and not giving you essentially a second thought in the cold light of day...

Only you know what you have and what is worth it to you.

I hope everything works out for the best.





Quote 0 0
ThrivenotSurvive
My suggestion would be to remove all the focus away from him and put it squarely on YOU.  Rebound relationships are rarely based in reality or on solid ground, but in your case, having come from an abusive relationship - there is little chance you are seeing anything, including him clearly.

While I think there is a very strong chance that Anthro's assessment of your AP is probably spot-on, I also recognize that we could be wrong.  What I AM fairly positive of is that you are not in a place to make good emotional decisions.  You need to rebuild the self-confidence and self-worth that is always worn down in an abusive relationship before you enter into ANY relationship.  

There is a reason people typically repeat bad relationship patterns.  They don't take the time to UN-learn them.  To be alone, and get their head straight.  Instead, they run headlong into a new relationship that gives them the rush of feeling good about themselves.  But you should be learning how to feel that way about yourself with NO MAN.  Because inevitably, this new relationship that seems "so different" will become way too familiar.  For that matter, it already is - you are uncertain of his commitment, uncertain of your future, totally focused on his needs and willing to overlook the pain you may cause, yourself, your kids and his family in order to have the possibility of being with him.

In sounds like an addiction, not love.  Whether the man himself is toxic or not, the situation is.  You deserve better and so do your kids (who sound like they've already been through a lot.) 

Even if you can't break the addiction for yourself, do it for your kids.  They've already seen you endure one bad relationship.  Now is the time to show them that we adults make mistakes, but then we get the help we need to learn how to make better decisions (therapy) and we CHANGE.  You need to learn the skills to break this cycle of unhealthy relationships with men to show your kids a different way.  If you don't, you may end up like my aunt - doomed to watch her kids grow up and make all the same mistakes in love she did. Watching their resulting heartache and pain knowing that she could have stopped the cycle had she been stronger, hurt worse than anything else she's experienced.  

The only reason this feels like love to you is that the bar has been set really low by your abusive relationship.  Please learn to love yourself so much that the scraps this guy is willing to give you (and his girlfriend for that matter) aren't even close to enough.   

I am a BS and I don't condone what you are doing, but I also see that you are a hurting human being and I want the best for you.  And I can tell you that this relationship is NOT it.  

One more thought - has it ever occurred to you to see him staying with his girlfriend as a cruelty rather than a kindness?  By staying with her, but not really loving her in the way a SO should, he's given her half a life - and prevented her from finding the person who could love her as she deserves.  I am afraid he will give you the same half-life.  It is selfishness masked as kindness.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 3 0
Ohnobugzilla
Chelsea - thanks for your input as a fellow “other woman”. I’ve been seeing this man for about nine months, and I feel very much in love with him. I do recognize it may be easy to feel that way given my past, but I have been with other men as well since leaving my abusive spouse and haven’t felt this way. Unfortunately I was also tricked into being the other woman for another man, whose wife also found out about me, this was while trying to distance myself from my married person, the other man lied about being single. So I’ve not only also accepted that I’ll probably just be single forever, but I’m worried there is something about me that attracts only attached married men. 
I’m really not interested in being with anyone else after this. 

Thrivenotsurvive- thank you for being an understanding BS. 
About your last point, the attached man I’ve been involved with actually recognized that he not only just hurt his GF/common law wife by seeing me, but he apologized to her for for not leaving her or at least talking to her about his feelings when they started to fade. He recognizes that he’s cheated her out of finding someone that will truly love her, which is why he was and still is okay with her leaving if she wants to. He offered to move out of the house and leave her everything, and continue paying the mortgage for her, she declined and begged him to stay with her. That in no way means she deserves to have him keep seeing me behind her back, and I couldn’t feel worse about it. That’s why I’ve been pressuring him to make a decision either way, either fully commit to her, or fully commit to me, either way he needs to stop trying to make this double life work. 
I honestly think the way only way to stop myself from rekindling things if he reaches back out, is to make it impossible for him to reach out. I may even need to change my number. I’m learning that I deserve more, and that in order to deserve more I must also act better, voluntarily being involved with an attached man is not kind of behavior that will improve my life the way I want it improved. 

Ive considered therapy, maybe it’s time I reconsider it. 
Quote 1 0
hurting
I’m also a BS so I’m going to try to be restrained here...

having read your story, I’m going to say it feels eerily similar to MANY stories told to APs by the married person. My husband is a cheater. He openly admits that he told the AP a whole lot of lies- and told HIMSELF a whole lot of lies, to keep the illusion going. His exact words are ‘I told her whatever she needed to hear so she would stay around’. 

It’s all very nice to think that he has ‘apologised to his girlfriend’ etc, but how on earth do you know that he has actually done so? Because he told you he did? Because you two have a ‘special connection’ so you KNOW when he’s being truthful? Gosh. This person is someone who is capable of lying in order to manipulate a situation to what they want it to be- whether that is to tell you whatever you need to hear in order to maintain the illusion that he is in fact, a ‘good person’ and that he ‘truly wants to be with you’, or whatever else he is telling his girlfriend. 

All of that aside, if we focus on YOU... please, please see that you are stuck in a toxic situation, and that this person is the centre of it. You DO deserve more than this- everyone does. By being ‘available’ to him, you are perpetuating this painful situation here, both for yourself (because let’s face it, no matter what he has SAID, ACTIONS speak louder than pretty lies and he HAS NOT left his girlfriend for you), and her. 

You were clearly vulnerable after your last relationship- that kind of mess and pain takes time to sort through. Why can you not see that this situation is no better? It’s pretty much exactly the same. You are still not in an exclusive relationship. You do not have a partner who will not betray you. You’ve actually DOWNGRADED yourself now to the OW... you’re in a worse position now... he actually has no obligation to you! 

Be kind to yourself- but also find yourself. Your self worth doesn’t depend upon being with someone. It’s determined by you alone. YOU get to decide what kind of person you are. Find your strength and your morals. Learn to love yourself properly again, and do not settle for less than you are worth. You ARE worth more than the leftovers from a selfish man who just wants to keep you hanging so that you’re around whenever he wants, but isn’t willing to give it all up for you. 

You remind me a lot of a friend of mine- she was cheated on by her partner... they didn’t resolve things properly but stayed ‘together’- though I believe he continued to cheat... she ultimately ended up cheating herself, and became an OW no less. I remember how torn up she was- and how vulnerable she was. So I’m trying to give you the same advice as I gave her (who I feel really sorry for, though I disagree with her life choices).

This man does not have your best interests at heart. He is looking after HIS interests- which includes staying with his ‘family’, and having you for excitement/connection/sex on the side. He is an entirely selfish creature- he is not willing to commit to either working on improving the relationship with his partner, which, lets face it, he CAN’T DO while sleeping around and spending all his time wooing other people, OR to you for whatever reason (keeping in mind his reasons are his alone- whatever he has told be you is likely not the real reason OR not the entire reason). He IS willing to lead you on. But even you realise by now that yes, he is leading you on. He is not willing to leave and be with you. That’s why he HASN’T left. 

Here is someone who wants to have their cake and eat it too. Here is someone who is selfish enough to believe that they are an exception to the rule. Here is someone who wants it ALL- exciting casual sex with someone who is not their spouse, but also all the comforts and benefits of having a family. Here is someone who doesn’t want to decide, and is happy to string everyone along to fulfil their own sick needs, which is NOT socially or morally acceptable.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. if you are struggling to accept this fact, then perhaps some counselling would be beneficial. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated like this.

I think getting a new number and cutting contact would be good for you. And DON’T write down his number or save it anywhere. Bite the bullet and remove the temptation to contact him, once and for all. Do this for YOU. So you can move forward in your own life.
Quote 0 0
Ohnobugzilla
I know being in love with him may make me blind to some of the issues here, I fully accept that I am not fully rational, and therefore can’t look at this situation for what it really is. 
For what it’s worth, he’s sent me screenshots of some of his conversations with his gf/common law wife where he has touched on the fact that she deserves better, including finding someone that will love her the way she should be loved. I also realize though that I’m only getting snippets of their conversations when he sees fit to share to share them, so I’m not nearly fully informed on everything he’s said to her or promised her. 
I also worry that if he does leave her to be with me, that I won’t be able to get over a multitude of things, the fact that he’s a serial cheater, the fact that despite saying he loves me he was okay keeping me in at “second string”, the fact that when this came to light to he asked me to promise to still be his if she left him and then was so quick to end our “exclusive affair” right after I made that promise, and how during our affair he expected exclusivity from me, but not himself. I know most relationships started as affairs don’t tend to last, and I’d really hate for him to leave her, and for me to have some sort of epiphany later on and realize I’ve made a terrible mistake asking him to leave her for me. 
Regardless of what happens in our relationship, I’ve asked him to think about whether staying in his current relationship is good for either one of them. 
She still doesn’t know about his many many other affairs, and knowing that weighs heavily on me as well. It’s easier to forgive one transgression, forgiving the six years he’s spent sleeping with over a dozen women might be harder for her to forgive, and she doesn’t have the whole story to base her decision on. I don’t plan on ever telling her the truth, but I wish he would, especially if he plans on really putting fourth an effort to make their relationship work. 
Im really touched by the lack of judgement here, thank you. I never thought I’d be here, especially after being a BS myself for many years. I truly think he is a good person whose made some really bad choices, but again, I’m not completely objective, I know that my feelings for him distort my views. 
Ive given him until Friday to make a choice either way. I know it seems silly to put a specific date on it, but having that date in mind helps me keep myself accountable. Whatever happens after that, I’m done being the other woman. I just hope I have the willpower to actually stay away when it comes down to it. I think finding constructive uses of my time, and therapy, will help in that regard. 
Mice suffered enough abuse, neglect and poor treatment over the years, I’m determoned to try and stop letting people treat me like less than I’m worth. 
Quote 0 0
anthro
I just get amazed at how cheaply people are willing to sell their self respect. And I don't mean that insultingly. You're a worthy human being with a profound duty to make the best you can of your life, don't sell it for some tinsel and glitter. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
Quote 1 0
Chelsea151515
Ohnobugzilla. 

I have considered therapy too, I’m truth I can’t afford it. 

Please don’t hold yourself responsible for the actions of the man who withheld that he was married, that is no reflection on you and who you attract.

Hope Friday goes well. 
Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz
As a BS, I won’t comment on the damage that both the WS and the AP are doing to the BS in these situations as it has been covered by others.

Does anyone else find it extremely strange, and illogical that these married or attached men that are cheating on their wife’s or girlfriends “expect” their side piece to be exclusive? The hypocrisy on the face of it would be very difficult to top. I really can’t think of another example of blatant hypocrisy that is worse than that.

Chelsea, you say “he knows I would never betray him”. Do you see how messed up that statement is?  He has you exclusively, and he has his BS exclusively. When you really look at the facts, and not the feelings, it’s very hard not to see how utterly selfish he is. Isn’t it?  How do you as a human, who deserves to be treated with respect, not see his treatment of you as his convenient side piece as disrespectful? Again taking the feelings out, and looking at the facts, do you really think he isn’t lying to you on many things? He is clearly someone who has no problem with lying to his BS, why would he have any issue lying to anyone else?  

Bugzilla, your AP has had many affairs you say. What does that say about him as a person?  Certainly not a one time lapse in judgment, clearly serious character flaws. I’m not saying I would never date a person who at some point had an affair, but it would be highly unlikely. They would have a lot to prove to me, and that wouldn’t really be worth it for me. There is no way I would even associate with someone that has had multiple affairs, much less date or have a relationship with them. No different than I wouldn’t start a relationship with a drug addict, even one that was clean, or a murderer, or a child molester. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 3 1
Chelsea151515
Keepabuzz wrote:
As a BS, I won’t comment on the damage that both the WS and the AP are doing to the BS in these situations as it has been covered by others.

Does anyone else find it extremely strange, and illogical that these married or attached men that are cheating on their wife’s or girlfriends “expect” their side piece to be exclusive? The hypocrisy on the face of it would be very difficult to top. I really can’t think of another example of blatant hypocrisy that is worse than that.

Chelsea, you say “he knows I would never betray him”. Do you see how messed up that statement is?  He has you exclusively, and he has his BS exclusively. When you really look at the facts, and not the feelings, it’s very hard not to see how utterly selfish he is. Isn’t it?  How do you as a human, who deserves to be treated with respect, not see his treatment of you as his convenient side piece as disrespectful? Again taking the feelings out, and looking at the facts, do you really think he isn’t lying to you on many things? He is clearly someone who has no problem with lying to his BS, why would he have any issue lying to anyone else?  

 


Keepabuzz,

With regard to the married or attached men expecting their 'side piece' to be exclusive, mine doesn't, we have always said we owe each other nothing on that score, we are not dating, he has never said he wants to leave his wife for me so as long as he is discreet and STD free and is completely honest and tells me if he is tempted elsewhere so I can make an informed decision to stay or go (hypocritical, I am aware) I consider it his business, not mine, he has said on a few occasions he doesn't expect me to wait for him, that it would be unfair  - (we were very sporadic seeing each other due to work taking him out the region on very regular occasion and discretion with a flat mate on my part) however, I never entertained another man in the 8 years we were talking as I just wasn't interested in anybody else, I have had offers and have some lovely gentlemen friends that would like to take our friendship to the next level but I just don't find them attractive in that way, no one can compare to him in terms of looks, charm, humour, charisma, etc so It's my choice to be single, it's not expected, however ... yes, I do believe that despite what he states he is secretly happier I am single. 

When I say I would never 'betray' him I mean in terms of spill his secrets or cause any problems for him (not as in seeing another)


Yes, I totally agree any situation like this is disrespectful and that is something I struggle with, the reason the past few years have been a little off and on is because I am expecting more than I am being given in terms of consideration, when he thought he was going to loose me he apologised and said he knows he has taken me for granted and that will change, I am a big fan of actions speaking louder than words and as this was just before DDay we will probably never know if this was a genuine statement.


I completely understand where you are coming from with regard to honesty, yes, of course, any man can lie to his wife can lie to his 'side piece' however I honestly feel that mine isn't, the reason for this is as I have previously disclosed, I have come to realise over the past 2 years with our break ups and make ups that having him in my life, as a friend if nothing else, is better than not having him in my life, therefore at the cost of many tears in the past I came to the conclusion that his friendship is more important that what he is doing and with whom and I am prepared to overlook him seeing/flirting with more than me, so he has no reason to lie about anything, he has told me I am number 1 in his life, he is away so much with work he would barely have time for a full on affair, if he is having liasons elsewhere then they will be fleeting work related dalliances, he promised he would tell me if he was tempted elsewhere and he never has so I believe him, I think by giving him a 'hall pass' I have made any further liaisons less exciting, but he doesn't trust easily and his job means he would have to be incredibly careful so I believe there is no one else that he is being physical with, I know of some girls he has a slightly flirty relationship with.. he has told me this himself so again we are very honest with each other.
Quote 0 0