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Dirazz
I couldn't have said it better myself! That's one of the biggest piece of advice I first got. You don't have to decide right now.
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Graceandhope
Yes what ah113 said!!!!
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jesuisperdu
Thank you all for the advice. We have been married for 7 years so technically he cheated for half our marriage. If this is what might happen at the 4 year mark, what might happen at 10 year mark or 15 year mark? On top of a shattered relationship that requires us to glue back the pieces, this has also severed the relationship with his family, who supported him throughout this and made no effort to support me. If we reconcile-it will make for interesting family dinners, to say the least. I appreciate the support from all of you in taking the time I need to decide what I want. We aren't in counseling as I don't want to give hope that this can be saved. Like I said I love him-but not sure if he is the life partner I want to build the future with. The relationship will forever be scarred. Something new with a blank slate sounds easy and exciting to me, but snapping fingers and forgetting about our history is so hard. I still have fits of rage 5 months later, daily triggers (multiple times a day) and just feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, but keeping it all bottled up (from my friends and family). It's great to hear from those living through it now but would love to also hear more from those that have reconciled 3 years..or 5+ out (I assume many might not still be on this board?) to see whether they felt they made the right decision.
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sunflower07
jesuisperdu wrote:
Thank you all for the advice. We have been married for 7 years so technically he cheated for half our marriage. If this is what might happen at the 4 year mark, what might happen at 10 year mark or 15 year mark? On top of a shattered relationship that requires us to glue back the pieces, this has also severed the relationship with his family, who supported him throughout this and made no effort to support me. If we reconcile-it will make for interesting family dinners, to say the least. I appreciate the support from all of you in taking the time I need to decide what I want. We aren't in counseling as I don't want to give hope that this can be saved. Like I said I love him-but not sure if he is the life partner I want to build the future with. The relationship will forever be scarred. Something new with a blank slate sounds easy and exciting to me, but snapping fingers and forgetting about our history is so hard. I still have fits of rage 5 months later, daily triggers (multiple times a day) and just feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, but keeping it all bottled up (from my friends and family). It's great to hear from those living through it now but would love to also hear more from those that have reconciled 3 years..or 5+ out (I assume many might not still be on this board?) to see whether they felt they made the right decision.


My husband's affair spanned a 10 year period. They had a "light" affair at the start for 18 months. It ended and they had nothing for about 7 years. Then it started back up and went on for another 18 months. DDay for me was about 6 months ago. I didn't know about the first affair until I discovered the second. Both times were when I was unavailable for my husband first due to illness and the second time we were moving across the country and I had gone ahead first.

Oh boy do I wish I would have found the first because I now think we could have avoided the second which was much more powerful, emotional and destructive to my husband and in turn myself.

Knowledge is power! It's good you know and I certainly relate to what you are expressing. I'm sure you could find my posts on here where I was expressing distress about the length of time his affair went on. I struggled with that for a bit but it ultimately came down to the fact that I loved him. I also had to acknowledge how I contributed to the circumstances that allowed him to make the decision to cross the line.

But I am such a different place today! It's early yet but my husband and I are starting to learn some things that are helping us create a GREAT marriage! I have such wonderful hope for us now.

We are both so happy right now. I wish this for everyone!
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Negarcia
sunflower07 wrote:


My husband's affair spanned a 10 year period. They had a "light" affair at the start for 18 months. It ended and they had nothing for about 7 years. Then it started back up and went on for another 18 months. DDay for me was about 6 months ago. I didn't know about the first affair until I discovered the second. Both times were when I was unavailable for my husband first due to illness and the second time we were moving across the country and I had gone ahead first.

Oh boy do I wish I would have found the first because I now think we could have avoided the second which was much more powerful, emotional and destructive to my husband and in turn myself.

Knowledge is power! It's good you know and I certainly relate to what you are expressing. I'm sure you could find my posts on here where I was expressing distress about the length of time his affair went on. I struggled with that for a bit but it ultimately came down to the fact that I loved him. I also had to acknowledge how I contributed to the circumstances that allowed him to make the decision to cross the line.

But I am such a different place today! It's early yet but my husband and I are starting to learn some things that are helping us create a GREAT marriage! I have such wonderful hope for us now.

We are both so happy right now. I wish this for everyone!


Sunflower

I am so happy for you. My husband has 3 affairs and is currently In his 3rd. I didn't think I would want to stay but I have because I love him. But he is obsessed with his current OW. The thing is they don't see each other often and he comes home to be with us vs. Her. I know I'm holding on to hope but I'm moving on for my well being and my kids. It's super hard to wonder why , why ,why or should have, would have, could have. But I can't anymore he has been a bit honest and she wants him to meet her dad but he doesn't want too. It's super sad for me but I told him today that he needs to figure it out and not be on the fence but not rushing him to figure it out because he needs to be all in or all out.

I'm so happy for you and your husband.
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jesuisperdu
sunflower07 wrote:


My husband's affair spanned a 10 year period. They had a "light" affair at the start for 18 months. It ended and they had nothing for about 7 years. Then it started back up and went on for another 18 months. DDay for me was about 6 months ago. I didn't know about the first affair until I discovered the second. Both times were when I was unavailable for my husband first due to illness and the second time we were moving across the country and I had gone ahead first.

Oh boy do I wish I would have found the first because I now think we could have avoided the second which was much more powerful, emotional and destructive to my husband and in turn myself.

Knowledge is power! It's good you know and I certainly relate to what you are expressing. I'm sure you could find my posts on here where I was expressing distress about the length of time his affair went on. I struggled with that for a bit but it ultimately came down to the fact that I loved him. I also had to acknowledge how I contributed to the circumstances that allowed him to make the decision to cross the line.

But I am such a different place today! It's early yet but my husband and I are starting to learn some things that are helping us create a GREAT marriage! I have such wonderful hope for us now.

We are both so happy right now. I wish this for everyone!
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jesuisperdu
Sunflower07-It's great to hear that you are happy and there is a light at end of tunnel and that your marriage has blossomed. How long has it been since 2nd D-day?

I often think that despite his claim of transparency, with all the technology today and various apps, how will I truly know if he restarts the affair when the dust settles? It was such an abrupt ending that I don't think they ever had true closure.
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Guiltguilt
This is why I'm all for the letter, email, whatever, closing the door, followed by NC. Even with that, there is always the chance of going back, but surely it's less likely.
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sunflower07
jesuisperdu wrote:
Sunflower07-It's great to hear that you are happy and there is a light at end of tunnel and that your marriage has blossomed. How long has it been since 2nd D-day?

I often think that despite his claim of transparency, with all the technology today and various apps, how will I truly know if he restarts the affair when the dust settles? It was such an abrupt ending that I don't think they ever had true closure.


I only had one DDay and it was in Nov 15. I found out about the 1st affair during his trickle truth.

I know it's over because his AP was VERY pathological. I cannot even begin to describe how messed up she was/is. She was even cheating on my husband during a 2nd affair. Because of her craziness, we didn't do the letter etc. My husband would have but I decided I didn't need it because she went crazy when she just saw him once wearing his wedding ring. It really was about her beating me and keeping my husband and yet she wanted to stay married and just have my husband on the side. Once he wised up and choose me, he was done with her. And I believe him as much as I possible can.

I've made the decision to move forward in restoring my marriage and the intimacy with my husband. I know there will be stumbles and yes, I will always be vulnerable to the possibility of him cheating again.

I hope he doesn't and I don't think he will but I'm not naive enough to think we don't need to work at this. So far, we are on the same page and making progress. I'm happy right now and he tells me he is too.

We only have this moment in time and right now that's more than enough for me!
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Merry
Married 51 years, too old!  Still makes me sad after 4 years, but not a daily thing.  Our relationship has suffered, but is back to being somewhat normal.  He still doesn't talk, no feelings.  I would like to forget, but it won't happen.  Good luck.
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