neslon
We are slowly reconnecting.  My WS is not great at sharing his feelings and sometimes my imagination takes me to ugly places.  I fight to not think about "her" or the affair.  When I try to figure out where my husband's thoughts are he typically gets a bit defensive and says he's working on it.  He doesn't want to read books.  He is in MC with me with individual sessions also.  

I'm in IC and it seems to help.

I know I need patience but it's hard some days.  The days he's more internal are really hard.  There are times where he spends time on playing games on his phone - which is his main stress reducer so I can somewhat understand.  I also know that there is a message all to this game but not a "chat" function so it is safe from hidden conversations.

Most days I can believe there is no contact but other days when my mind won't quit - it's really hard to believe.  We use the Find a Friend app and he's spending way more time at home.  

We are 4 months out from dday and I just don't want these feelings for the rest of my life. I also gain and lose hope on the drop of a hat some days.

Anyway...not sure if I'm asking a question...or venting...or I just wrote my journal entry in the wrong place.  [smile]
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Heidi
You sound very similar to me when I was 4 months out. I read books and boards, went to IC (we hadn't started MC yet) and my WH just went to IC, and read any web links I sent him. He didn't google anything, didn't read books unless I signposted them, and it drove me crazy. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't do this.

But we all deal with things in different ways, and actually we are dealing with different things. A WS needs to figure out the why's, work out how to ensure it never happens again, and support the BS in their recovery. What they aren't left with (which BSs are) is this incomplete picture that we are desperately trying to fill. That's where reading books and boards like this became important to me. He was there, he knows everyhing, and he's willing to answer questions, but sometimes I need to know I'm not alone in this trauma, this pain, this wondering what the hell happened to me.

The trust will grow if he continues to be open and honest. At 4 months my WS was still working with his AP and I had zero trust. Now, I feel not only am I learning to trust him, but more importantly I trust myself. I trust that if he does it again, I will walk away. I trust that no matter what happens me and my children will be okay.

Healing is such a long journey. Sometimes we make big leaps, sometimes it takes everything we have just to keep at a standstill. I can remember thinking I would never get over this. Sometimes I still feel like that. But not all the time, not by any means. You will get there, just try to trust the journey and trust yourself.
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neslon
Heidi,

Was your spouse fairly consistent?  My husband is suddenly avoiding counseling.  It's hard on me as I see this as one of my boundaries.  It's not like I enjoy MC'ing but I would like to think that it is getting us some where.  He will answer my questions but gets defensive easily.  We have had a horrible week where we have seen the OW twice.  This has done nothing good for my frame of mind.  I know I need to work on me and let him have his own journey  - that has been a battle in my mind.  We go to the bad place when we each get defensive and I get scared of the future.  I need to fight this as I can see it frustrates him.
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Heidi
Looking back, he was nowhere near as consistent as I believed. He talked a good talk, knew what he needed to do, but his actions didn't always match his words.

I read on here (I think it was Urban who said it) that there are high cost and low cost actions. Some things that we would find easy, are very hard on our WSes. Especially anything that makes them feel shameful.

Has he got to a particularly hard point of his counselling? If he has, it's usually a sign it's hitting the mark. But it will take him time to come to terms with this.

Have you reminded him that going to counselling is one of your requirements for reconciliation? If he oversteps your boundaries you need to have consequences in mind. Do you feel ready to put those into place?

Go gently on yourself, it took me a long time to put my own boundaries into place and enforce the consequences it they weren't met.
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