flipperfive
WS has been gone for well over a month now and a new normality is starting to take shape. We still see a lot of each other because of the kids and part of me has accepted my future is unlikely to hold a husband /wife relationship with WS ever again. Part of me however still wants to try and restore our marriage even though I look at this man and wonder if I really ever knew him and that perhaps my perception of him was really just a rose-tinted image I had formed in my heart. I do not know who he has become and he seems a stranger to me from the choices he is making. Sometimes I don't even think I lived through the same marriage he did from the unhappiness he says it caused him. Was I sleep walking through it and were my eyes really so closed to what our marriage was? Despite the hurt he has caused me I love him so dearly and want what is best for him in his future life even though it pains me that I will not be a part of it in the way that I would like.

Most days I get on with life and am happy and positive but on the days when I know he is seeing the OW it just eats away at my heart. I know he has made his choice and that is her and I just need to accept that but it is so very, very hard after loving this man for 16 years.

I know as life goes on each day will get easier and I hold on to the hope that God has all our futures in his hands and sometimes we need to travel the hard roads to become the people God needs us to be. As I stumble along the path yet to be navigated it is so comforting to know others have trodden that way before me and have come to a place of true happiness and acceptance and the stories and resources here are of great help and comfort. I pray that one day I will also be at that place and will be able to help others navigate the bumpy road filled with unfulfilled dreams and hopes.

Please feel free to share your encouragement or stories of hope so I and those who read this post can be uplifted at a time when every little bit of extra strength we have makes each day a bit easier and we can hold our heads up that little bit higher and say to ourselves "I am getting there."
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Fionarob
Flipperfive - I am sorry you are treading the same path as me.  The bewilderment at who we married, and what is the marriage they are now describing?  I think a lot of the rewriting of history is to do with the 'affair fog' and it also justifies their decision to leave the marriage/ have an affair.  It is sad that they seem to have a different memory of a marriage that actually was good, happy, strong and secure for many, many years.  I asked my husband when he left - "just please don't walk away thinking our marriage was bad" and he admitted to me, with tears in his eyes, that he knew it wasn't, and he had so many happy memories.

I can only tell you from my own experience that it does get easier, and you do get so much stronger as time goes on.  I very rarely think of my husband and his AP now, at first I didn't let myself dwell on it too much, now I don't even need to try.  I am just getting on with my life.  Despite the sadness of loosing my husband and marriage, the relief of not living the nightmare of constant betrayal outweighs the sadness.  For me it has released me to be myself again and be happy again, something I had almost forgotten how to do.  I had certainly lost myself, so it feels great to be me again.

Once the thought of being a single Mum horrified me.  I didn't think I could cope, or do it on my own.  Now I find I am a very strong woman who is more than capable of doing it all by myself.  And actually I am making more of an effort and doing more with my children, because my mind is no longer occupied 24/7 with thoughts of my WS, his AP, his constant lies, betrayal, deceit and manipulation.  Just today, for example, I have managed to put up our huge tent in my back garden so that the children can have some friends for a sleepover.  This is something I would never have imagined I could do by myself, and it was hard work!  But I did it (got a few bruises along the way) and I feel so chuffed.  And now we are all excited about sleeping in the tent tonight and having a midnight feast.  This wouldn't have happened if my WS was still here.

So whatever the outcome for you - know that you can and will make it.  It is too early to think about meeting someone new at this stage - but I am actually feeling positive and excited about that one day too.  I am starting to see this as a new chapter in my life - unexpected, but nevertheless I am positive that good things are waiting for me. I believe your situation is probably harder - you still love your husband and maybe didn't want him to leave.  When my husband left it was my decision, because I had lived with betrayal for too long, and actually it had taken away all my love for him in the end.  It has maybe made it easier for me to move on.  But I am sure you will do it too. 
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Freewill76
Hi flipperfive
I'm having a hard time right now, but before "my relapse" I was like Fionarob. I have started to find myself again and actually be a better mum!!
We have started doing things I never thought of doing kayaking, going away camping, just not worrying as much about the little things like having the house immaculate ( as my H insisted on) it's now ok to have toys out
I understand that you love your husband even with all the horrible things mine has done to me I still have love for him but my brain knows he's no good for me now and that takes time to get as I was like you, I must have had rose tinted glasses on as well because I had no clue he was even unhappy.
I try not to think of them, I find my hardest time is at night when I go to bed, I'm still trying to find a successful way of doing this, but all in all I get some sleep without too many nightmares anymore.
So yes it does get easier, you can do this and will do this
My way of looking at all this is I'm not going to become a bitter twisted victim, instead take on the challenge I didn't want and turn it to my advantage.
That's my motto anyway, it's kept me going all these months.

Keep strong x
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Freewill76
Fionarob

I'm sorry how far are you out from DDay?

Good for you on your tent building, amazing what us women can do!!! Lol
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Fionarob
Freewill - it's complicated!  My first DDay was October 2013. For the next 2.5 years I tried to fix our marriage, believing my WS when he told me that was what he wanted, that the affair was over, that he loved me etc. 

But it wasn't all true, and repeatedly I would discover he was still having an affair (with the same AP).  Each time I found out he would promise to end it and that 'this time' would be different, he wouldn't contact her etc etc. He said he knew it was just an escape and really he wanted the marriage/family etc.

Anyway, he couldn't or wouldn't let her go.  I went through 10 DDays.  Each time I convinced myself I wouldn't take him back, each time he convinced me to take him back.  Finally in December 2015 I could do it no more.  I asked him to leave.  I knew I was part of a triangle that would go on and on forever, so I decided I wouldn't do it anymore.

I actually think I have been grieving the loss of my marriage since that first DDay in 2013, and the love for my husband has been diminishing with every new discovery that his affair was still continuing.  I lost all respect and love for him in the end, so it wasn't hard for me to end it.  The only hard part was telling our children.

The sad thing is I truly believe he didn't want to loose the marriage, but unfortunately he thought he could keep his AP as well and  refused to face the damage it was doing to me.  I warned him repeatedly that he was starting to make me hate him, but maybe he didn't believe me, or didn't think I would ever be strong enough to ask him to leave.  I think I had let him 'get away with it' for so long, that he thought he could have it all forever. 
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Freewill76
Wow Fionarob,
you are a strong and wonderful woman. I'm sorry he hurt you so much. It's amazing how much we will take because we love someone that much. I was always a woman who said I'd never take a man back if he played up on me but guess what I offered to take him back!!
He shook his head and said have you no pride ?
I hope you continue to be the brave strong woman you are and hope your little ones are coping
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