Courage
So is it safe to say that all WS tell multiple lies after discovery about the intensity of the affair... At least for the first while? Is there a WS out there who confessed everything upon discovery?
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Kalmarjan
Courage wrote:
So is it safe to say that all WS tell multiple lies after discovery about the intensity of the affair... At least for the first while? Is there a WS out there who confessed everything upon discovery?


I didn't confess everything right after discovery, but I did confess every single thing, save for one item, upon return. I did let my wife know the final thing later on, and she actually told me that she wished I had not told her at all.

Honestly, the length of time wasn't about trying to save myself from looking bad, it was more like trying to remember everything that occurred over a year and a half. There was a lot, and a lot of questions. In the end, it was such a weight off my back, with the whole truth out there, so we could move forward with all the information.
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Guiltguilt
Yes. I told her everything. Full confession.
(I just re-read it, and it doesn't touch the sides, really. Months of counselling and being in here has brought out so much more. Stuff that I could never have seen at the time.
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TimT
Courage wrote:
So is it safe to say that all WS tell multiple lies after discovery about the intensity of the affair... At least for the first while? Is there a WS out there who confessed everything upon discovery?

There are examples of unfaithful spouses who confessed everything, honestly and openly, right from the start. Julia & Rick's Story is one example of this. But in every case I can think of, instant honesty only came when the unfaithful spouse was the one to confessed the affair. From the thousands of affairs I've encountered, I cannot remember a single time that an affair was discovered (not disclosed) and a complete confession was immediately offered. Sometimes it took a few hours... sometimes it took a few months... sometimes full honesty never came... but whenever a person is caught cheating it is safe to assume that you will get, at best, partial truth right away.

In fact, I would encouraged betrayed spouses to ASSUME that is what is happening and not expect immediate compliance. You should ask for it... let them know it's necessary if you are ever going to forgive and trust them... ask them to take a little bit of time to think about it (hopefully with a good counselor or book to help them understand why honesty is so important)... and then ask for a thoughtful, honest account of what happened.
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UrbanExplorer
My BS didn't want all the details, so he still does not know some specifics. I was honest from the beginning about the extent of it (time frame, how we would meet, and that it became fully physical). I revealed some financial specifics later because I was subpoenaed to do so by ex-AP's wife.
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UrbanExplorer
Also, for me, it was easier to not be forthcoming on my own than to lie when directly asked a specific question about the affair. I cannot lie when asked.
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AHmember113
Guiltguilt wrote:
Yes. I told her everything. Full confession.
(I just re-read it, and it doesn't touch the sides, really. Months of counselling and being in here has brought out so much more. Stuff that I could never have seen at the time.
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AHmember113
Guiltguilt. Can you share some of what you mean by stuff you didn't see at the time. I think it really helps us BS to get these perspectives.
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Courage
I could be wrong, but it seems like when women are the WS, and they want their marriage, they are more likely to disclose the full truth. ( if the BH is asking the tough questions) I wonder if women have a need to be completely honest to move forward in their commitment to the marriage. They need to rid their conscious of the lies and deception. I say this from what I think I've read and how I think I would be to my BH if I had the affair.
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UrbanExplorer
I am female, and I was not willing to lie and say it wasn't both a sexual and emotional affair, so I admitted the extent immediately. However, there are extremely personal sexual details I do not want to provide. I have not been asked for that much detail. It would probably have to happen in a therapist's office, because it would feel deeply violating and bring up core shame baggage for me, so I would fall apart for certain. I get the irony.
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