Crushed
My WS was having a affair with a women he met on sex site.  He was calling her every day twice a day and she was performing sex acts for him to watch  per him at least 3 to 4 times a week.  He was suppose to be the dominant and her the submissive. Sick to say the least. The also exchanged emails and texts frequently. He says she meant nothing to him that he only kept talking to her for the sex..  BUT he kept increasing the time he talked  iand had sex with her, he had pet name for her, he told her hundreds of times he loved her, and I found part of email that he told her he couldnt live without her.  Now all I get for the why is that he was selfish and it was all just about sex.  I do not believe this and have told him that he is lying.  He says that he never loved her that was just a way to say goodbye.  He says that he had to say and do all these things to keep getting sex from her.  He says he never planned or wanted to leave me he just wanted to get sex from her.   I dont believe any if his bull***t.  I am at the end.  I'm tired of trickle truth I am tired of being lied to and manipulated.  Anybody gave any suggestions.  We tried councilling and that was disaster counselor was a joke.  We tried EMS online and he barely participated.   I have asked him to read and watch videos and he sometimes does but only if pushed hard.  I'm tired if being told that I am.making more out of it than what was.
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Keepabuzz
Crushed wrote:
My WS was having a affair with a women he met on sex site.  He was calling her every day twice a day and she was performing sex acts for him to watch  per him at least 3 to 4 times a week.  He was suppose to be the dominant and her the submissive. Sick to say the least. The also exchanged emails and texts frequently. He says she meant nothing to him that he only kept talking to her for the sex..  BUT he kept increasing the time he talked  iand had sex with her, he had pet name for her, he told her hundreds of times he loved her, and I found part of email that he told her he couldnt live without her.  Now all I get for the why is that he was selfish and it was all just about sex.  I do not believe this and have told him that he is lying.  He says that he never loved her that was just a way to say goodbye.  He says that he had to say and do all these things to keep getting sex from her.  He says he never planned or wanted to leave me he just wanted to get sex from her.   I dont believe any if his bull***t.  I am at the end.  I'm tired of trickle truth I am tired of being lied to and manipulated.  Anybody gave any suggestions.  We tried councilling and that was disaster counselor was a joke.  We tried EMS online and he barely participated.   I have asked him to read and watch videos and he sometimes does but only if pushed hard.  I'm tired if being told that I am.making more out of it than what was.


Do you have kids together?
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Crushed
Yes we do but they are grown and gone.  
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Keepabuzz
Crushed wrote:
Yes we do but they are grown and gone.  



I would have a very hard time finding a reason to stay then. But only you can make that decision. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Crushed
So you think it is all lies too.
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Phoenix
How long ago did all of this happen? How did you find out? Is he going to any ID counseling?
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hurting
I think part of it certainly was that he was selfish and wanted the sex. Whether he had deeper connection is hard to say. 

Tbh my WS told me the same thing. Do I believe if? Certainly, I know for a fact that he was a selfish ass. I’m sure he did want the sex. I think that an affair is mostly about the WS really. What they are lacking, what they feel they need/want and how they choose to feed that need. Although my WS too told the AP he loved her many many times (probably every day), and I’m sure he did have some kind of emotional connection with her, I am not sure that what happened there could be described as ‘love’. Perhaps in some twisted superficial way, it could be. I believe different WS (particularly women) May have more of an emotional tie. However, for others, it is possibly more of a physical thing. 

Either way, I’m pretty sure what the WS ‘loves’ is the way the affair and the AP make THEM feel. Do I think my WS ‘loved’ the AP as a person? No. I think he knew her only superficially and in the physical sense. HE DID however, love that she made him feel macho for being able to have a girl on the side. He loved that he was able to escape reality- that is what she represented. He loved that she made HIM feel good about himself.

thats not to say it’s the case for every WS. But some, (particularly the men), I feel this may be more true for. 

To my knowledge, my WS never tried to breach NC. I would’ve expected him to find it hard to just stop contacting someone he claimed to have ‘loved’ So much. funnily enough, once given the opportunity to end the marriage and leave and go be with the AP, he wasn’t keen. 

What does that say to me? Well. Either the AP whom he claimed to ‘love’ was remarkably easy to give up or he realised that his ‘love’ was nothing more than an idealised reflection of himself. 

Now, you mention that your WS said ‘you are making more out of it than it is’. THAT is a seperate issue. THAT raises red flags for me. That tells me he doesn’t get what he has done. That tells me he wants to rug sweep and not do the work needed to repair your marriage. That line makes me wary and say that what he is telling you could very well be a crock of sh!t!
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Crushed
I discovered the affairs, 3 and half years ago.  I discovered through the phone bills. It has been a battle since then.  He never volunteers information unless he is extremely angry and then it comes out as a punishment.  And usually it is something that I have told him that I suspected and he vehemently denied.  This has been going on it seems like forever  every 3 or 4 months new information gets dropped on me.  I don't think  that he does get it. I believe that he thinks it wasnt really an affair because he did not have physical sex with her.  He says it was just live porn.  He says he cant change the past that we just need to live in the now.  But I can not move forward until I know it all and come to some kind of understanding.  I was being selfish does not qualify as the answer to why for me.   He says he loves me and never planned to leave me.  That statement always goes through me like a knife.  It makes me think well what's your problem I was still going to let you take care of me but just cheat on you.  Why should you have problem with
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Sadie
If the affair is still going on, then you are wasting your time trying to get him to hear you.   And I heard as well that the past is in the past.   It took him quite some time to finally listen to me, that I needed more in order to work towards ever trusting him again and also respect him.   He didn’t deserve either, therefore he received neither from me for a very long time.   
     Whether you stay or leave, you still need to work on you.   You CAN heal without his help.   Find a therapist that specializes in affairs/sex addiction.   Take care of you and only you.   Go out with friends, join a gym, join a group...do what makes you happy.  
       And why indeed are you taking care of him?  Let him take care of him, and you work on you.   
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hurting
He doesn’t get it. When someone doesn’t get what they have really done, I do doubt their ability to change. Because such significant change is HARD... and not getting it means he has no reason to want to change. He just wants to rugsweep and move on. 

Look after YOU. Forget about him and what he wants. If this isn’t ok with you (and I agree, it should not be ok at all!!) then you can try to focus on what you need and how to get there. With or without him.
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FanofMike2020

I had a boyfriend in college who told me that if we were to ever get married he was going to cheat on me.  At the time, I was upset that he was telling me this.  I was young and inexperienced.  Luckily, I broke up with him. About a year later I met my husband who is the complete opposite of that loser.  Now that I’m older and wiser, I now see my old boyfriend was a narcissist.  I never felt good about myself with him.  He would make comments about my intelligence, but, since I had not been around someone like him before, I didn’t understand what was happening.  He would tell me stories about him visiting brothels and his experiences with the women there.  I count myself very lucky of having the good sense of letting him go.  If we had gotten married, I would have been one of many instead of his one and only.

For those of you that have been cheated on, my heart goes to you.  I did hear a counselor say that in her 30 years of helping couples, more often that not, it’s the person that cheats that is putting the least amount of effort into the relationship.  Unfortunately, some people just aren’t marriage material.  When life gets hard, the only thing they can think of doing is have an affair instead of having a conversation with their partner.  

Growing up, my father had affairs. I come from a very small town.  Everybody knows everybody.  I was around 9 or 10 when I found out.  I was on the playground when I had 4 or 5 kids come towards me laughing.  One said, “ Ha, ha.  Your dad has a girlfriend.”  They continued laughing and finally left not knowing the bomb they had just thrown my way.  

I told myself, “My dad doesn’t have a girlfriend.  He’s married to my mom.”

My eyes were open then.  I remembered the times hearing my mom crying behind closed doors and hearing them argue in front of us.  My older sister recounted the time my mom and dad were arguing and my dad raised his hand to slap her, but she quickly got between them to keep him from hurting her.

You love your parents, but I had no respect for him.  All that arguing made me a very insecure person.  I never really understood why.  I was watching a video about Elton John talking about how while growing, his parents argued which made him a very insecure child and made it hard for him to stick up for himself.  That’s when I realized the same thing happened to me.  It’s very hard for me to stick up for myself, and sometimes people take advantage of that.  I now think that’s why that old boyfriend was attracted to me because of my insecurities.  Being a narcissist, he took advantage of me being insecure.  Now that I”m older, I now know that there is no way I would have given him the time of day knowing what I know now.  I was very inexperienced.  Never dated because my father was very strict with us.  I started dating in college and came across a lot of frogs.  Luckily, I met my husband.  He may not be a prince, but he’s a lot better than some of those toads I dated.  Best of luck to all of you.

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FanofMike2020

I had a boyfriend in college who told me that if we were to ever get married he was going to cheat on me.  At the time, I was upset that he was telling me this.  I was young and inexperienced.  Luckily, I broke up with him. About a hear later I met my husband who is the complete opposite of that loser.  Now that I’m older and wiser, I now see my old boyfriend as a narcissist.  I never felt good about myself with him.  He would make comments about my intelligence, but, since I had not been around someone like him before, I didn’t understand what was happening.  He would tell me stories about him visiting brothels and his experiences with the women there.  I count myself very lucky of having the good sense of letting him go.  If we had gotten married, I would have been one of many instead of his one and only.

For those of you that have been cheated on, my heart goes to you.  I did hear a counselor say that I her 30 years of helping couples, more often that not, it’s the person that cheats that is putting the least amount of effort into the relationship.  Unfortunately, some people just aren’t marriage material.  When life gets hard, the only thing they can think of is having an affair instead of having a conversation with their partner.  

Growing up, my father had affairs.  I was around 9 or 10 when I found out.  I was on the playground when I had 4 or 5 kids come towards me laughing.  One said, “ Ha, ha.  Your dad has a girlfriend.”  They continued laughing and finally left not knowing the bomb they had just thrown my way.  

I told myself, “My dad doesn’t have a girlfriend.  He’s married to my mom.”

My eyes were open then.  I remembered the times hearing my mom crying behind closed doors and hearing them argue in front of us.  My older sister recounted the time my mom and dad were arguing and my dad raised his hand to slap her, but she quickly got between them to keep him from hurting her.

You love your parents, but I had no respect for him.  All that arguing me me a very insecure person.  I never really understood why.  I was watching a video about Elton John talking about how while growing, his parents argued which made him a very insecure child and made it hard for him to stick up for himself.  That’s when I realized the same thing happened to me.  It’s very hard for me to stick up for myself, and sometimes people take advantage of that.  I now think that’s why that old boyfriend was attracted to me because of my insecurities.  Being a narcissist, he took advantage of me being insecure.  Now that I”m older, I now know that there is no way I would have given him the time of day knowing what I know now.  I was very inexperienced.  Never dated because my father was very strict with us.  I started dating in college and came across a lot of frogs.  Luckily, I met my husband.  He may not be a prince, but he’s a lot better than some of those toads I dated.  Best of luck to all of you.

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