Sorry
I have recently discovered how much my hatred of my ex AP is damaging me.

It's been a huge insight, I still work alongside him and I find that with everything he does I focus on the negative exclusively.

When I see how fat he is - it's because he is greedy and lazy
When I see him being nice (to anyone) - it's because he has a hidden agenda
When he is having fun - he is pretending.
If he says something superficial - he's superficial
If he says something deep - he is pretending to be clever.

I never realised how much my hatred of him and my background running thoughts of extracting revenge were actually poisoning me.

I am now trying to over-ride these thoughts - with my husbands support I might add 😉

Trying to see the neutral and take things at face value.

I am not aiming for a friendship, I am not even aiming to be amicable. I just need to let go of the hatred, the desire for him to be punished properly.

I had not realised that I was effectively trying to punish him but only really punishing myself.

I am ready to forgive and move forward with love.
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Vanessa
Curious why do you feel the need to punish someone you once had a relationship with?
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anthropoidape
Sorry wrote:
I have recently discovered how much my hatred of my ex AP is damaging me.

It's been a huge insight, I still work alongside him and I find that with everything he does I focus on the negative exclusively.

When I see how fat he is - it's because he is greedy and lazy
When I see him being nice (to anyone) - it's because he has a hidden agenda
When he is having fun - he is pretending.
If he says something superficial - he's superficial
If he says something deep - he is pretending to be clever.

I never realised how much my hatred of him and my background running thoughts of extracting revenge were actually poisoning me.

I am now trying to over-ride these thoughts - with my husbands support I might add 😉

Trying to see the neutral and take things at face value.

I am not aiming for a friendship, I am not even aiming to be amicable. I just need to let go of the hatred, the desire for him to be punished properly. I had not realised that I was effectively trying to punish him but only really punishing myself.

I am ready to forgive and move forward with love.


That's got to be a good thing. Ultimately these things have to be denied any power over you. 

I don't know if I'd prefer my wife to be neutrul toward her AP or to hate him, but from the outside it seems like genuine indifference is probably the healthiest.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Sorry
Vanessa wrote:
Curious why do you feel the need to punish someone you once had a relationship with?


It's complicated and not completely logical, but I guess feelings and desires are sometimes things we can't completely control.

I feel that he needs to be punished for lying, I later discovered that I was not his first affair, I was not special, it was not something unique and therefore an affair was definitely not worth throwing away my morals and values on (I know that I did have a say in all of this and it was a choice so it is not someone else's fault too),

Moreover I don't feel that his behaviour has changed, I believe that it is only matter of time before he does it again and again. To the detriment of his wife and family. Which I know are not my responsibility, but now that I have experienced the devastation to my own husband and family I do feel that behaviour like that is repulsive and should not be allowed.

I feel that I have paid for my mistakes, I have done the hard work and soul searching, I have cried myself to sleep and night and truely learned to live with the huge remorse and guilt over my choices and poor decisions. I have had to rebuild not only my marriage but my soul, my self esteem and my values.

Sometimes it feels like he has had way too easy a road, from the perspective of the person who actively sought affairs.
I don't know if you get scales of responsibility but it feels like he totally side stepped any of his.

Harsh and judgy I know, but it's how I feel.
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Sorry
I liked to think I wan neutral, but I guess harboring resentment and occasionally fantasizing about an ex affair partners downfall, death, defeat...it isn't quite neutral.

Anyways, trying...think I am making some slow progress. 
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Keepabuzz
Sorry, Do you think someone other than you or your husband would think that you have been punished sufficiently?  I would guess the answer would be no. I would say your husband doesn’t think you have been punished sufficiently, there is no justice for the BS. 

My point being. Your Ex AP may very well be “getting away with it”, but couldn’t the same be said for you? Especially from a person outside of your marriage who hasn’t seen all that you and your husband have gone through?  We all do our best to put on our smiley happy faces, even though we are in misery on the inside, right?
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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UrbanExplorer
I cannot imagine having to work with my ex-AP. In my case, in the end, I discovered he was a harmful person in ways beyond having affairs. I try to cut all psychic ties with him now, which includes anger and fear. Work in progress.
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Sorry
Keepabuzz wrote:
Sorry, Do you think someone other than you or your husband would think that you have been punished sufficiently?  I would guess the answer would be no. I would say your husband doesn’t think you have been punished sufficiently, there is no justice for the BS. 

My point being. Your Ex AP may very well be “getting away with it”, but couldn’t the same be said for you? Especially from a person outside of your marriage who hasn’t seen all that you and your husband have gone through?  We all do our best to put on our smiley happy faces, even though we are in misery on the inside, right?


Hi Keepabuzz 

I am actually quite open about acceptable responsibility for what I did and a number of our friends feel that I have done the hard work necessary for us both to heal. Perhaps punishment is not the case? 

I honestly do think my husband and I are good. He does not bring up the affair any more. He has for the most part moved on.

I am firmly against pretending that everything is perfect and wearing a happy face. One thing I learned from my experience is that where ever you are and what ever you feel you do not have to apologise for it. Actions you do, but feelings you dont. 

Did I get off easy...probably. I have an amazing and forgiving husband. Do I work daily to make him feel valued appreciated and loved and ensure that I will never again take him for grateful? I do that too. 
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Keepabuzz
Sorry wrote:


Hi Keepabuzz 

I am actually quite open about acceptable responsibility for what I did and a number of our friends feel that I have done the hard work necessary for us both to heal. Perhaps punishment is not the case? 

I honestly do think my husband and I are good. He does not bring up the affair any more. He has for the most part moved on.

I am firmly against pretending that everything is perfect and wearing a happy face. One thing I learned from my experience is that where ever you are and what ever you feel you do not have to apologise for it. Actions you do, but feelings you dont. 

Did I get off easy...probably. I have an amazing and forgiving husband. Do I work daily to make him feel valued appreciated and loved and ensure that I will never again take him for grateful? I do that too. 


My point was not to be judgemental. If I came across that way, I’m sorry. I was trying to say that what we all go through looks very different on the outside as opposed to the inside. 

Maybe he has paid like you, but in different ways. People outside of my wife and I have no idea what has occurred, what price I have paid and continue to pay, or what my wife has done to try to repair the damage she inflicted. I don’t see that wife is remorseful everyday. She says she is, but I don’t see it. She does make sure to make me feel loved, and apppreciated. Which is great, but doesn’t undo the past. So if the BS doesn’t see it, why would anyone else see it? That doesn’t mean it’s not there. 

OR, he could just be a big old piece of shít that the karma train hasn’t stopped by yet!!!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Sorry
Thanks for clarification.

My point of this post was that regardless of which of the two categories he falls into. 

I am ready to learn to forgive, give him some benefit of the doubt and move forward.

I know that it is definitely in my best interest, and probably the best interest of everyone else I am involved with or care about.
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Keepabuzz
I would think it would make it extremely difficult to fully put all of that in the past while still working with him. He is still “in” your life. As a BS, I wasn’t willing to allow that. My wife quit her job the day after her confession. I know not everyone is able to do that instantly from a financial perspective, but I would suggest finding a new job. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Trinity
Sorry ....  I kind of get where you are coming from, feeling that your former AP has not paid the price you have had too.  I have to agree with Keepabuzz that he may have paid and more, but you just are not privy to that information to process.  

I will say this, You will never be able to exact a more perfect consequence than GOD will.  Even if you are not spiritual you can for sure give this up to a higher power to deliver exactly what needs to be done in your former AP life.  No need , to become neutral, or OK, or anything else emotional toward him.  Let it go and you will surely be amazed at what starts to unfold.  I have seen it !! and believe me, it's transformative.

Can't hurt to give it a try. 

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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