Heidi
It's been 13 months since DDay and I really feel that things are getting so much better. I've finished IC and my WS is talking about doing the same. We are still in MC (in fact we are going tonight) and I'd like to carry this on. It's working for us.
My question is about forgiveness. I really feel that I've accepted what happened and want to work in our future together, but we've had a few false starts before. Those were on me, I thought I'd got over it but then I'd sink into depression again and we would restart the whole cycle. So how do I know when I'm really over it? And is it fair to share my optimism with my husband when there's a possibility I can fall back into depression again? I want him to know I forgive him, that I've accepted it happened and that I want us to work together on our future.
Anybody else get to this point? Would love to hear your thoughts.
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Fionarob
Heidi
I would definitely let your husband know of your optimism, that you forgive him and have accepted what has happened.  I think he would really appreciate hearing you say those things and also that you want to work with him on your future together.  I also think it is important that he knows it doesn't mean it will all be plain sailing from here onwards.  Just be honest and say that there may still be times when you have a little slip back into feeling sad, that low points may still come.

It doesn't mean that you haven't forgiven him, but it just gets overwhelming sometimes.  I have also experienced this very thing.  One week you can be feeling great and optimistic and full of energy for moving forward.  But then, for no apparent reason you can get very low and start dwelling on past feelings and events.  I think if your husband expects this may still happen and accepts that he just needs to be there for you when it does, then there is nothing to worry about.

I would imagine his ongoing support and encouragement through the low times will eventually mean they become less frequent and less painful.  Just remember, it's not about reaching an end goal - it's a constant journey.
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Heidi
Thank you Fionarob. You're right, I will share with him my positivity and my determination to look to the future. This rollercoaster of emotions can be so draining, goodness only knows what it's been like for him. I can only imagine it feels out of his control, the same way I felt at D day.

I like the reminder it's a journey. And it brings to mind the fact that forgiveness is a betb. Something we choose to do on an ongoing basis.

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surviving
Heidi - when my husband had his many affairs, my daughter-in-law said she forgave him, but had to continue to forgive him on a daily basis.  For me, I haven't forgiven my husband yet.  I am not to that point.  However, he does expect that when and if I do forgive him, there will be triggers or setbacks.  When that happens, I will just have to keep going.  You will never forget the affair (or affairs, in my case).  There may be triggers in your future as well.  Your husband needs to understand that just because you have forgiven him and you are willing to work on the marriage, reminders will come (or triggers if you will).  I am still having triggers and we are 30 months from DDay.  Of course, my husband cheated all 34+ years of our marriage in various ways (emotional, physical, and prostitutes).  All of that isn't very easy to get over!
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Heidi
Thank you surviving. Your story sounds gut wrenching. It's understandable after 34 years of deceit you're still having triggers. And they're the worst, aren't they? Like treading on a landline long after the war is over.

I'm not sure how much of my story I've shared. My husband had a 3 week physical affair (after months of flirting) with a coworker 16 years his junior. He came clean to me after I was away for the weekend and she turned up at our house and they spent the night together in our bed with our teenage son in the next room. I've had to learn to deal with these triggers because they are in my house. I work from home so spend a lot of time here. Sadly even my son was a trigger for a while. Once the children are at college we are planning to move, but I refuse to be chased out if a home I love because of the memories. We will do it in our own time on our terms.

For a long time the OW followed me on social networks. I'm active on those as part of my job and couldn't turn them to private. I have to admit I'd check hers, too, and it's only recently I've had the strength to stop. This has made a huge fifference in leaving everything behind. It's true when they say NC is important for the betrayed one too!

I've started reading Victor Frankel's book 'Man's Search for Meaming' which had given me a lot to think about. Half the battle in this is to believe in yourself, in doing the right thing and most of all knowing that no matter what happens you will be okay.

Thanks for your kind thoughts and support. They mean a lot.
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surviving
Heidi - yes, my story is gut wrenching.  We are in-house separated due to lack of money and we still have two children living with us (the other four are married).  When I discovered that things in my house were used for my husband's many trysts, I got rid of them.  There were all sorts of small things that were gifts for Christmas and his birthday.  Then I discovered my couches were used as well.  I couldn't even sit on the old couches (which were almost brand new).  They went out the door and I have brand new ones.  The last thing was his computer.  I had the joy of smashing it with a hammer.  Did you know that a hammer hardly makes a dent on a computer - those things are made of steel (jk), but very sturdy.  You might consider doing that as well.  It sure stopped many of my triggers.  
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Heidi
There are definitely a few things I could smash. Your suggestions made me smile. Thank you. It's so comforting to know we aren't alone in this.

My husband burned all his underpants a few months ago. His choice not mine. I think anything could probably be a trigger if I thought about it too much. I know he'd be happy for me to smash anything I wanted to. I did throw a vase at the wall (one I'd always hated) and that felt good until I had to clear it up!

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain, surviving. I hope you get some resolution soon. The dark clouds have to clear some time right?
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