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I think we all ping pong.  Some of us just dont do it loudly.

I dont think I would have risked my marriage if I had not beleived that "this really was something amazing and special" and when you wake up to see you were fooled, nobody believes it.
Hence the ping ponging or clinging to a fake but all encompassing fantasy 

I think my husband was pretty patient while I got myself out of that state. I still dont know how he put up with it. He had the patience of a saint.  

What brought me back is that I really loved him and that when he had a chance to leave me he stayed and chose me too.
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I would strongly advise not doing anything with your ex-AP.... even if you have another person with you both, as you mentioned while running.  To have any contact at all with him is setting you up for a future fall and you've come this far in recovery with your husband.  Don't be deceived into thinking it can't happen.  The original affair happened so it's easy to let down your guard, thinking you're okay now and moved on.   And personally, I think you're in a much better place when you said you had a hatred for him... well not the hatred part but the strong emotion against him once your eyes were opened.  I had more problems keeping no contact with my AP once I thought I ended it when I felt bad for him etc...  Just my 2 cents from someone who has been there.
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Two and a bit years down the line. I can now tell you that those running sessions allowed me to make peace with myself and my exAP. 

I never stepped over the line and at a point my husband even joined the runs. After that the exAP conveniently seemed to stop coming on them and I didnt really mind.

I think that it was hugely healing for me to be able to make peace with the affair. I no longer feel the shame, I have managed to forgive myself.
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I am truly am very glad for you, Sorry, that your husband could provide you with that remarkable gift. 

However, it is not something I could have put myself through.  I was too deeply traumatized and it was taking everything I had to calm my nervous system and not live in a constant state of fight or flight.  That would have been a trigger of epic proportions and would have felt insulting if he'd even asked.  If I had really believed my husband needed for his own well-being, I wouldn't have wanted to stand in his way - I love him too much for that.  But I also love and respect myself too much to put myself through that level of harm - I would have likely seen it as a sign that we could no longer be good for one another as our deepest needs were in direct opposition to one another and left him.  That way he could gain whatever closure he needed without it further harming me.  

My priority in the aftermath was first and foremost my own well-being.  He had not protected me and now I needed to make sure that I did not lose myself in the devastation that followed.  I had no desire to hurt him, but I had to put my oxygen mask on first. And given that his unhealthy selfishness had put me in that position, I felt (and still do) that my healthy selfishness in placing my needs for healing before whatever his needs for closure was fair.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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