I am truly am very glad for you, Sorry, that your husband could provide you with that remarkable gift.
However, it is not something I could have put myself through. I was too deeply traumatized and it was taking everything I had to calm my nervous system and not live in a constant state of fight or flight. That would have been a trigger of epic proportions and would have felt insulting if he'd even asked. If I had really believed my husband needed for his own well-being, I wouldn't have wanted to stand in his way - I love him too much for that. But I also love and respect myself too much to put myself through that level of harm - I would have likely seen it as a sign that we could no longer be good for one another as our deepest needs were in direct opposition to one another and left him. That way he could gain whatever closure he needed without it further harming me. My priority in the aftermath was first and foremost my own well-being. He had not protected me and now I needed to make sure that I did not lose myself in the devastation that followed. I had no desire to hurt him, but I had to put my oxygen mask on first. And given that his unhealthy selfishness had put me in that position, I felt (and still do) that my healthy selfishness in placing my needs for healing before whatever his needs for closure was fair.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl